Posts Tagged ‘Robot Protocol’

People… People who need people are the luckiest people in the world

– Barbara Streisand, founder of the Streisand Effect 

There is a growing segment of the population within developed nations whose preference it is to have intimate relationships with robots rather than living entities from their own species. In fact, it is a common occurrence, according to my doctor (well, he’s a pharmacist (well, more of a free-lance pharmacist)), for perfectly normal human beings to fornicate with robots. Not that I am one of those people! I mean, I was only asking because I have this friend…

Photo by Franz Steiner

Photo by Franz Steiner

Could you blame anyone for preferring sexual intimacy with a humanoid-ish being in a controlled environment? No jealousy, no apathy, no passive aggression, no needless quarrels. Guess who never argues over finances or changing diapers or cooking and cleaning? The lover who runs on batteries. Guess who doesn’t disobey their programmed Protocol by betraying or fileting you? The lover who runs on batteries. Guess who is always ready and eager for a carnal knowledge exchange? The lover who runs on batteries. For someone with paranoid tendencies with trust issues, like this friend I have, a romantic relationship with a She-Bot allows him an alternative to finding love in all the wrong places.

It is the normalizing of the human-on-robot (or robot-on-human, depending on your proclivity) relationship which makes it all the more important for me to raise awareness of proper etiquette when engaging with a friend who’s accompanied by their robotic companion.

First of all, if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and tastes like a duck, let’s call it what it is. But what is it? Agalmatophilia is commonly used to explain the robo-sex preference, but only to insult as this is a fetishism which also applies to mannequin-fuckers and frat-boy Ruphylin peddlers. A Mechaphiliac is a fetishist obsessed with machines, but this broad category also contains your typical jet-ski douchebag. Technosexual could refer to someone who is strictly a pornographic spectator and a Robo-philiac could be anyone who wants to plug-in to your standard R2 Unit garbage-can-on-wheels. What fits best is Androidosexual. An android isn’t just a robot, it is a humanoid robot. We’re not fucking robot sheep here, after all.

photo by Franz Steiner

photo by Franz Steiner

Of course, not all robots are built in the image of Sean Young in Bladerunner or Tricia Helfer in Battle Star Gallactica. Contemporary robotic companions walk awkwardly (they haven’t mastered the controlled fall of the human gait), they only speak when spoken to, they don’t yet possess artificial intelligence and they are Uncanny Valley girls (or Uncanny Valley boys). The “Uncanny Valley”, for the uninitiated, is not somewhere in California, but rather it exists in your mental perception. When the line between human and robot becomes blurred, this is the Valley of Uncanny. If you begin your perception of robots with R2-D2 and proceed along the spectrum towards Sean Young in Bladerunner, the moment right before your android appears to look human is the deepest gulch in the Uncanny Valley. The geographical term refers to a psychological revulsion towards pseudo-human characteristics. For example, if you look at an intricately detailed doll face, it is almost frightening because it is almost human without being human at all.

Okay, with the biggest roadblocks towards proper etiquette addressed, let us jump into:

Vic Neverman’s Social Etiquette when encountering Friends with Robotic Companions Code of Conduct:

  1. Don’t categorize your friend’s sexuality, but if you must, refer to them as Androidosexual.
  2. Prepare yourself for the Uncanny Valley. Don’t freak out on sight of the robotic companion; that would be rude.
  3. If your car needs a tune-up, do not assume your friend’s robot is a programmed mechanic. Even if you know the sex-bot doubles as a gear-head, your friend did not bring their robo-lover over to fix your car. Unless they did.
  4. Don’t ask if you can get the robot companion something to drink. Because rust.
  5. Similarly, set a place at the table, but do not serve the machine food.
  6. Don’t refer to the entity as “the machine”. Your friend likely has a name for it, so use it.
  7. If your friend did not pre-emptively tell you he/she was bringing their sex-bot over for dinner/game-night/whatever then you have the right to tell them “hold on while I compose myself and tell my other guests you like to fuck machines and you thought it appropriate to bring the bi-pedal fucking-machine over to this event tonight”. Because such shit ain’t à propos and you should have a chance to warn the unexpectant.
  8. Do not assume that just because the companion is a machine, it is available for you to take for “a test spin around the parking lot”. I mean come-on, you wouldn’t use your friend’s dildo just because it is an inanimate object without feelings? Would you?
  9. Don’t get all fucking existential. Okay, yay! you read Camus in college and smoke French Gauloises. Get over yourself. Asshole. Keep the Sartre quotes to a minimum unless you are addressing the pâté.
  10. It is acceptable to have off-the-record conversations. If you need to tell your friend to go fuck his/her self, but without their robotic companion recording the event for all posterity, you have the absolute right to ask for the machine to leave the room or power down.
  11. photo by Franz Steiner

    photo by Franz Steiner

    Invite the robot to play billiards, but do not gamble. Yeah, you might have been a pool-shark during your Vo-Tech days, but robots have a profound understanding of geometry and physics far beyond your drunk pluckiness.

  12. If it is “game night”, it is acceptable to insist the robot remains in the garage during Scrabble, Connect-Four, Bridge or Poker. However, Candy Land, Monopoly, Yahtzee and other dice games is totally cool for a robot.
  13. If you find your friend fornicating with their sex-bot on your premises, the same rules would apply to any human-on-human relating going on. If it is a Swingers-Party and they are over eager, then let it slide. If it is your kid’s Bar Mitzvah and the assumption is that no sex should be occurring for any reason, then absolutely you are in right as scolding your friend and his/her robot for being inappropriate.
  14. Do not attempt to clean the robot with antibacterial liquid or any general soaping agent. If the robot appears to have just emerged from a Somme trench, ask your friend if you can assist in cleaning, but otherwise assume the android is already clean. Exception: If the robot is going to be assisting with food, then inquire your friend on the best manner of ensuring all digits are sanitary.
  15. Yes, we can all acknowledge robots will figure out fellatio long before they ever master cunnilingus, but ultimately with the coming Artificial Intelligence explosion this will become a moot point. End of Conversation.
  16. You have the right to inquire if your friend’s sex-bot has infrared cameras prior to admittance. Or any software that recognizes stress patterns in speech. Or automatically loads images or sound clips to social media. Or records anything, for that matter.
  17. If your friend offers any services of their sex-bot to your spouse (massage, shaving, etc.) you have the right to refuse on their part, unless, you’d like to watch in which case you are equally entitled. In essence, you should consider your friend’s machine an extension of your friend. Would you let your friend shave the nether-regions of your spouse? No? Then do not allow your friend’s machine to do likewise.
  18. If your friend becomes intoxicated and their robot lover is equipped to drive, you have the right to not allow them to stay the night on the premises. Don’t give your friend a chance to soil your sheets again. If they have a robot to attend to them, let the machine do its thing.
  19. If you have children:
    1. Tell them if they come within 2’ of the robot they will be zapped
    2. Tell them “Uncle X” or “Tia Y” spent a lot of money on their friend, so be nice
    3. Tell them “Uncle X” or “Tia Y” was especially naughty and now the Government has a robot following them around to chop their head off upon the next criminal act. Oh, if only “Uncle X” or “Tia Y” had done more of their homework on time.
  20. When a Random Dance Party breaks out, best to keep it to Country Music so the Android is confused on the reason for awkward shuffling and heel-tapping. Otherwise, the Robot will adapt to rhythm, harmony, etc. and own it.
  21. If you must destroy the robot companion of your friend, it is preferable for you to put its parts in the recyclable bin rather than the standard garbage.

NOTE: all these rules are considering the absence of Artificial Intelligence. If android companions possess A.I. then the end is near and you should strategize on how to incur the empathy of the machines you shunned up until now.