Posts Tagged ‘Putin’

Yeah the Russians are here. I mean, they’re everywhere, but especially in Nashville.

– Layla Santana Crow

NASHVILLE, Tenn

Paranoia is a cottage industry in Tennessee where there exists a strange stew of Revelators, Second-Comers, Doomsday-preppers, bootleggers and coonskin-capped militiamen cooked together by the overhead high-voltage power lines running roughshod through the hinterlands. None of the above characters, however, have cornered the Russophobic market in these foothills like Texan native, Layla Santana Crow. In short time, Layla has become an urban myth in Nashville; spoken of, yet rarely seen and when seen, the witness is left dumbstruck enough to be certified as a hysteric. The going wisdom is to not seek out Layla Santana Crow because, sooner or later, she will find you.

I flew into Nashville beside a rhinestone and sequin-bedazzled woman who smelled like a duty-free store (a mélange of perfume samples with a splash of spilt single-malt) who had heard of Layla Santana Crow. Legend had it, or so conveyed my partner-in-transit, Layla had two wolves smuggled from Siberia who could smell Russians from a mile away.

If you ask the pit-boss behind the counter at the airport pork-rib depot, he will tell you that seeking out Layla Santana Crow is akin to dressing up a possum for Sunday service, which meant, amongst other things, updating my last will and testament and grabbing a shovel to bury good intentions.

If you weave your way through the Papists and Baptists of Sunday morning (do avoid the dressed-up possums) while inquiring laypersons of the aforementioned Layla, more than one will ask if your head had been touched without specifying by whom. “Touched by God, son.” One wizened miser clarified while a spinster spoke in condescendingly sympathetic tones, “Bless your heart.” They once knew of a fella like me, more or less bearded, who went looking for “Leah Crow” and when he laid eyes on her he burst into flames. Spontaneous combustion: one moment pyrophoric hipster, the next – poof – ashes. Dust to dust, etcetera.

And yet, into the foothills of Tennessee I sought her, this Layla Santana Crow…

Layla Santana Crow confronts Vic, "were you followed?"

Layla Santana Crow confronts Vic, “were you followed?”

Assuming the identity of my alias, Bucky Swoon, Esq., I tracked down Layla Santana Crow’s whereabouts to a jazz club this side of Ghost Creek where she was holding court amongst the homegrown moonshiners and imported bourgeois from the Atlantic seaboard. The Ghost Creek Jazz Club was a cigar bar which practiced ventilation via osmosis (absorption through the cement walls) and it wasn’t until I kneeled somewhere between sax and trombone before I had any visibility beyond four inches. Scanning the knee-scape, I found a high-density of sophisticated man-slacks near the bar and rightly assumed it to be the compilation of Layla Santana Crow admirers. Betwixt the sophisticated slacks, I deduced, sat the spy-huntress, herself. Her entourage of admirers, asthmatic and arrhythmic (bouncing in-and-out-of-sync to the jazz), was easily dispersed when I began accidentally lighting their silken neckties afire instead of my own cigar. While the fog refused to clear and her face wasn’t quite visible as I neared, the sheer radiance of Layla Santana Crow created a halo in the suspended cigar smoke, providing her more of a celestial quality than even I was accustomed to.

“Hey Vic.” She spoke non-committal, stoic-even, seeing through the smoke and past the Bucky alias in spite of the mustache I had groomed for the occasion. “Were you followed?”

Russian Spies in America

The trial of Igor Sporyshev, the Russian banker in New York who was attempting to funnel financial information back to the Kremlin, reminded Layla Santana Crow of the unearthed spies of her youth. Specifically, Layla was reminded of Anna Chapman, circa 2010 (aye, Layla is a bit younger than us Cold War kids), the sexy spy who had infiltrated New York high society prior to being outted and who has become a celebrity in Moscow after the United States performed a spy-swap with Putin.

Anna Chapman and Igor Sporyshev: Neo-Cold War Russian Spies

Anna Chapman and Igor Sporyshev: Neo-Cold War Russian Spies

“Anna Chapman is an example of how the Kremlin is attempting to spy on America – by infiltrating our social crème de la crème. Yeah, so this guy Igor, the banker, was a fat a-hole, but he was still trying to get American coeds to act as spies for Russia.” Layla Santana Crow explained. “Russia is going straight to the well for their intelligence: they are spying on the housewives of Washington and New York. I bet they have analysts in Havana watching North American television for TMZ and every reality show just for the gossip.”

Indeed, contemporary Russian spies might have a different modus operandi than former generations, but do not doubt their malice for a modicum of a second as their Grand Master is still Vlad “the Paler” Putin, formerly of the KGB. Today’s Russian spies might be educated on episodes of Saved By The Bell, but they are raised on deception and sabotage from the first day they suckle upon the vodka-infused milk of the teat of Mother Russia. It may be a mafia state which governs the Russian people, but its spies are nostalgic for the old Soviet Empire and eager to fulfill a vendetta against the West, regardless of the different ideologies at play during the chilling 20th Century schism. Whether you believe the Cold War was Democracy vs. Totalitarianism or Capitalism vs. Communism or the Establishment vs. Populism, you could boil the fat out of the whole brouhaha into being nothing more than an imperial gun show. 2015 or 1965, it makes no difference.

Russian Spies in Tennessee?

Russians love Country Music and they see Nashville as the gateway to the soul of America. There is nothing more American than a sorrow-drunken cowboy dancing in his boots and there is nothing more Russian than a bare-chested Premier riding a bear as he invades the Ukraine. The second-most Russian thing, however, is a sorrow-drunken Cossack dancing in his boots.

Cossacks are just Cowboys born of another  mother

Cossacks are just Cowboys born of another mother

“For Russian spies whose first language is not English…” Layla Santana Crow told me over lunch at a fashionable East Nashville burger bar. “They can hide their Caucus accent if they enunciate with a southern drawl. It is a lot easier for a spy to acclimate into the Country Western scene, than say, Hip-Hop or Hipster, because the twang accent is easy to emulate and the music lyrics describe exactly how a countryperson must live: a steady dose of religion, alcohol, good times and sorrow.”

“Country music lacks the ambiguity of alternative hipster shit.” Cyrus Lee Hancock, Layla’s head of security, chimed in. “Whether it is a song about drinking liquor before beer or a song about falling in love at night school while pursuing your GED, country music gets to the point. If a Russian spy has to lie about where he was on the night of August 5th at approximately 2200 hours, he can just quote his favorite country song, ‘I was shooting Fireball while lying in the bed of my pickup truck, looking at a picture of Rhonda Sue who was known as being good for uhhh luck.”

“In short, Russians are already half-hillbilly and it is easy enough to fake the rest.” Layla concluded.

Spy-Hunting in Nashville

Layla Santana Crow was neither raised by wolves nor does she own any. Instead, she has a pair of German Shepherds (one is named after a Top-Gun character, another after a salad) who, allegedly, can smell borscht at a hundred yards. It helps her sleep at night.

“Potential Ruby at twelve o’clock with the shaven head and bear-tooth necklace.” Layla spoke between bites of gluten-free biomass as we lunched at the recycled pharmacy on the eastside. “His front teeth are fake, which is common among Rubies who spend their youth getting head-butted and/or falling on their face after draining too many vodka bottles.”

“Or he’s just a dirty hipster with a smack problem.” Security Chief Cyrus Lee pitched-in. “Heroin isn’t good for the chompers.”

“What about the goon sisters over there?” I mentioned with a head nod. “These guys are a pair of ‘Rubies’ if I have ever seen one.”

“Doom and gloom.” Layla Santana Crow named the untoward thugs. “And they’ve pancake batter on their faces to disguise the burst blood vessels in their noses. Another sign of a Ruby. Vic, take a picture of us and be sure to frame the image with the goon sisters in the background so I can add to the database.”

Cyrus Lee and Layla in the foreground with the Goon Sisters in the background

Cyrus Lee and Layla in the foreground with the Goon Sisters in the background

One of the surefire ways to out a Ruby (Layla’s codeword for “Russian Spy”) is to approach one on the sly and engage them with a joke in Russian. Neither Layla nor her head of security speak Russian, but they can sound out the words. For example, Cyrus Lee Hancock will follow a potential Ruby into the bathroom and while poised before the latrines quip, g’p-ka nush-nee which often gets a chuckle out of anyone who understands Russian and who agrees it smells like horse stables are near. At high society events, Layla, dressed to the nines without doubt, will approach a Ruby at the bar and order a double-vodka tonic. She isn’t the greatest fan of vodka, but the order alone will perk up the ears of any Russian. Layla will then take a sip and mention how it tastes like home, but instead of speaking English, she’ll mumble f’vus ga doma. When the Ruby’s eyes light up, the trap is snared.

“Vic, discreetly take a picture of our beers and be sure to focus on the tracksuit.” Layla said. “Only a Ruby would wear a tracksuit that expensive and have such a horrid taste in foot attire.”

The Speakeasy

We parked somewhere downtown, or so I judged by the street traffic I heard. It wasn’t until Layla whispered the password du jour to the doorman and we were safely in the basement (or the attic, I was a bit dizzy) before Cyrus Lee Hancock removed the blindfold from my gourde, granting me sight. We were in a speakeasy. Despite the hordes of desperate dipsomaniacs begging for a seat, there was a table already reserved for Layla and her plus 2. There was nothing on the menu necessarily verboten and we weren’t here for the $12 Dark & Stormy. This speakeasy was a hub of clandestine activity: political hitmen extracted bribes beneath table tops, a Rosicrucian proselytized a defrocked priest, a guitarist sold his soul to the agent who picked him up at the crossroads and some half-naked pagans prostrated themselves before a boar’s head. It was here, Layla Santana Crow surmised, the Russian sleeper agents would meet their handlers over nefarious naval-strength rum drinks.

Some might call Layla’s spy-hunting senseless fear-mongering. She calls it proactive counterintelligence. All it takes is a few firebrand Neo-Soviets to become embedded in Nashville’s Country Music scene and then if there is ever a Russian invasion (perhaps through Canada once the Arctic melts), Putin’s conquerors will have a Nashville fifth column of sympathizers at the ready. As we finished our drinks at the speakeasy, I mentioned to Layla my opinion on the greater threats of American-bred spies hired by the Qatari Royals and, even worse, the largest intelligence network in the world according the late Kyril Bonfiglioli – the International Chinese Waiter Union.

Layla Santana Crow, in the unsettling way in which she comes out of her thousand-yard stare to refocus locally upon your face, tilted her head ever so slightly before finally responding to my comments. “Really, Vic? Paranoid much?”

See also…
***Layla on the Illuminati’s influence of Hip-Hop***

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Buckle-Up, Sugar-Tits, because rocky is the road...

Buckle-Up, Sugar-Tits, because rocky is the road…

Greetings Wayward Traveler,

Weary as ever, I see. Come in, come in; make yourself at home. Warm your stockings next to the electric fire and I will pour you some of this Polish cherry brandy I’ve come across through my speculative wagering in the Occident. You’ve arrived at this threshold, of course, for the same reason as in years past: to peer into the crystal ball which is my mind for knowledge of the path ahead. Well, buckle-up, Sugar-Tits, because rocky is the road and as Caesar said on the far side of the Rubicon, “the die is cast”.

Without further ado, here is your 2015:

  1. Putin, like a Phoenix, will rise from the Ashes of his Demise and Escalate a New Cold War!
Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

2012 – Putin re-ascended to Russian presidency as I predicted
2013 – Putin demise did not occur as I predicted, but
2014 – Putin’s demise did occur as I re-predicted.

Despite a great start of 2014 for Vladimir Putin, what with hosting the Olympic Games, annexing a fine piece of real estate and Cossacks whipping Pussy Riot punk rockers, the year ended with Russia in financial ruins. After Vlad seized Crimea, the Western Establishment along with the Saudis reacted with more than just sanctions: markets were manipulated to drop the price of oil to deal a devastating blow to the Russian economy. Why all of the cheap gas lately? It is the result of the Establishment telling Vladimir Putin to go fuck himself.

And fuck himself, Vlad has. With nowhere else to turn, the desperate Vladimir has signed-off on his pound of flesh to get into bed with the clammy ghosts of Mao. Yes, the great loan shark that is China is all that is keeping Russia afloat. What comes next will be global strife as Vladimir tears off his tattered shirt and gets back astride his bear to lead the Russian people into another age of anti-West paranoia, bringing us the next Cold War. This time, it will not be quietly fought over an East and West Germany, but rather East and West Ukraine.

China wants American military focus out of the China Sea and a new Cold War would help. The Military Industrial Complex wants constant armament and a new Cold War along with the constant anti-Jihadi defense build-up is a dream come true.

  1. New Drinking Establishments will be constructed like Cyber-Cafes for Virtual Socializing

Between Google Glass and Facebook’s purchasing of Oculus Rift (for $2 Bill, no less), people will be wearing a lot more shit on their face in 2015. The shift from flesh & blood socializing to online social networking will escalate as virtual reality features come into play. Why go to a traditional bar to meet underwhelming local personage when you can go to Ralph’s VR Café, sit alone in a cubicle slurping martinis through a straw and cyber-mingle with drunks from all over the world? Why go to a brick & mortar shopping mall when you can strap on your Virtual Reality mask and meet your friends in a virtual market where you can legitimately shop for anything (even try on clothes after you enter your biometrics)? In the future, we’ll go to virtual nightclubs where our avatar bodies dance with a whole lot more rhythm than we’re capable of in our physical form. We can go to brothels, opting to be either the john or the prostitute, depending on whichever role you wish to assume. Just imagine: instead of driving over to Applebees for another Friday night with a dyspeptic spouse, you can head down to Ralph’s VR Café and link-up with the animated avatar of some lonesome man/woman on the other side of the world (or the other side of your duplex) to tango or overthrow ancient Carthage.

Terms like ‘friend’, ‘community’, ‘society’ will become increasingly vague as a simulated dream world overtakes reality.

  1. Green Co-Opt Gyms will be a Thing

All they need to do is figure out how to collect energy off of a stair-master like they do a wind turbine and then BOOM: you will have a cottage industry of Co-Opt Gymnasiums where energy exerted into the machines creates storable power to be sold into the infrastructure. Members of these gyms will receive monetary benefits for the amount of output they put into the gym (within reason, the incentive will come with a ceiling to keep the gym-rats from hogging all the spoils). Think about it: if you commit to 10 hours on the excite bike or 8 hours on the elliptical or 6 hours on the treadmill per week, you will pay off your gym membership with the reusable energy you create. Green gyms with benefits: this will be a thing.

Intermission #1: So How Does Vic Do It?

How do I do it? How do I know shit with such accuracy (evidenced by my 2014 success rate)? Well, you should realize time isn’t just relative, it’s all bullshit. Imagine a bowling ball suspended over an egg crate hung by dental floss over a smoldering Jacuzzi pit of bubbly warmth. In this scenario, gravity = gravity, bowling ball = time, perception = egg yolk and you are the one cleaning up the hot tub.

Make sense? No? Okay.

  1. Hot Meat Pies will be the Culinary Fad of 2015

I don’t really understand the “Paleo Diet” as such a thing would require us keeping our wisdom teeth to gnash on tree roots and the like. Right? Regardless, or irregardless as the kids are saying these days, meat & potatoes are IN while carbs are OUT. Imagine, now, a Chicken Pot Pie where the crust is carbohydrate alternative like… I don’t know, tree root? Either way, what I see is a move towards hot meat pies, loaded with plenty of meats and starches and kept together with buttery gravy and held into place by whichever shell is non-carb.

Look for it – hot pies and wisdom tooth implants.

  1. Cuban Cigars Flood Market

Obama has opened the flood gates, allowing for limited trade between America and Cuba. This is going to have a profound impact on the trendy cigar bar scene in the United States. While any aficionado can tell you the world over from Toronto to Tokyo is rife with Cuban cigars, here in the States we have been sans Cubano (due to special interest influenced foreign policy over the last few decades). In the prior void of the esteemed Cuban tobacco, industries in Honduras and the Dominican Republic have prospered offering their version of tobacco (Cuban seed grown on local war-torn ground) stogie. Once the current market adjusts, Cuban cigars will become available at a great premium due to high American domestic demand. The Cuban originals are not necessarily superior in quality, but their reputation alone may drive Honduran and Dominican companies out of the market.

  1. Next Big Virus Hysteria Will Emerge From Asia

While MERS and Ebola stole headlines in 2014 after popping up in Africa, the world-ending disease/virus to emerge in 2015 will be out of Asia. There are more pigs in China than there is tea. More pigs than you can even imagine. If you imagine an absurd number of pigs in China, that number would be less than the amount of pigs floating dead in Chinese rivers. So here is the fun thing about pigs: the dirty bastards are the French Academy of Cuisine in regards to cooking up new diseases. Swine can swallow bird flu and man flu because swine are fed and eat everything, including dead birds and man shit, and then swine digestive systems will reimagine all these bugs into a superbug then become depressed and drown itself in a river to wash up in Shanghai only to be served at Taco Bell and voila! you have a world-wide pandemic of Flying-Pig Flu H37N50.

Intermission #2: back to How Does Vic Do It?

Srirachomancy: it looks like Jesus, or wait, maybe its just John Belushi...

Srirachomancy: it looks like Jesus, or wait, maybe it’s just John Belushi…

This is how I predict the future: it is a black magic divining craft I like to call Srirachomancy. First, I find a breakfast sandwich. Nothing vegan as Srirachomancy requires at least two separate animals to be sacrificed for this to work. An egg & turkey sausage sandwich is fine, even though both meats are fowl. Pork of some sort would be better, but whatevs… Sandwich secured, I squirt a blazing drizzle of Sriracha sauce atop the highest layer of meat before pushing down the sandwich top. English muffins work much better than croissants for obvious reasons (bagel’ll work in a pinch). Once the sandwich top is settled, lift it up to reveal the splatter on the ceiling. Srirachomancy involves interpreting the red-splattery result of the collision between solids with the spicy liquid in-between acting as our medium.

So now you see as I see…

  1. The Old will get Older and the Young will become more Anarchistic 

There is a twilighting of talent as the Baby Boomers fade into the great dusk. This is occurring in the corporate world and, perhaps more troubling, in the skilled labor arena where trade guilds are lacking apprentices to fulfill the next generation of carpenter, electrician and plumber. Why is there no skilled labor amongst the heaps of unemployed youth? Blame the Establishment (Creditors, Realtor Association, Chamber of Commerce) for selling the populace with messages of how glorious college education is because education is money and money gets real estate and real estate is the American Dream no matter the cost. Such messages end up with Americans outspending what they will never earn only to lose what they briefly had. The American Dream is a banker’s sales pitch: become indebted, work hard and become free once you pay-off the debt & vigorish. But that vig is a bitch!

Financial leverage is a tricky game. If you are a commercial entity with capital to spare, leverage that shit. If you are a student with only your future at stake, leverage becomes another matter. This new generation emerging from college is realizing the dream they’ve been sold is a trap of indentured domestication. Obama pledging, as he has recently done, free community college tuition is nothing more than a drug dealer offering a couple free scores in order to drive up the dependency. This isn’t about furthering education; America needs more electricians and few liberal arts degrees. This is about increasing the number of potential debtors to the banks who want to own us all.

This is a cocktail that will incite civil unrest. What happens when you tree a r’coon or back an opossum into a corner? They lose all of their political ideals and turn to anarchism.

  1. ISIS/ISIL is on the Decline while Roguishness Overall Thrives

Currently, ISIS/L is being bombarded with air-strikes. These will increase and continue until the desert buccaneers are nothing but a loose bunch of highwaymen doing little more than bootlegging oil and spreading jihadist sexually transmitted diseases in the name of their prophet of choice (fyi jihadis don’t wear condoms).

Of course, Islamic Radicalism will remain constant. Yemen will become a drone playground while Europe and other ports of entry will continue to be terrorized by the Jihad on Tour. Even if Yemen sinks into the Earth’s mantle, the radicals will find the next rogue state haven. The War on Terrorism is a new cottage industry for the Industrial Military Complex who consider indefinite terror threat good for business. Get used to it: until the robots rise up and exterminate us or aliens return to hit the reset button, world wide jihad is the new norm.

This threat of random jihadist violence will increase the armament of local police forces (despite a disastrous 2014 in Ferguson and everywhere) as well as home-brewed militias. 2nd Amendment exaggerators will find reason to furnish themselves with rocket-propelled grenades, laser death-rays and whatever other lethal shit pops up on the internet, which is exactly what the Military Industrial Complex has brainwashed them to do (subliminal “buy more guns” messages can be found in their mayonnaise if you stare long enough).

  1. Crypto-Currencies do not go away

Bit-Coin and many other alternatives are here to stay. This is a good thing. Crypto-Currencies cannot be counterfeited or manipulated, which is what has the Establishment queasy. Here is how it works: the crypto-currency’s worth is based off the difficulty of solving the mathematical problem built into the programming. Imagine gold’s value not being judged by the karat or the ounce, but rather the swings of the axe against the earth or the hours of sifting through river silt. This is how crypto-currency works. The inherent value of currencies put them out of reach of governmental control. Local economies can be made more sovereign by switching to crypto-currencies versus depending on the dollar, the euro or other garbage out there. What is strange today will be the norm tomorrow.

  1. Jesus will Return in September

Halleluiah!

Jesus returns this September!

Jesus returns this September!

Yes, we are approaching the next prophesized END TIMES date in September of 2015 when Jesus is supposed to make his comeback and vacuum up all the cool people to take back to Heaven or wherever. There is a sub-set of conspiracy theorists devoted to the literal interpretation of REVELATIONS and how the events around us fit into the prophecies. I call them the Revelator Crowd. What they are especially tickled over with this coming September is the coincidence that Pope Frank will be Stateside for the assumed Return! Aussie and Germanic and Brit and Israeli Apocalyptophiles probably do not give a damn about Frank in the USA, but American paranoiacs certainly do. What does it mean? Is Pope Frank coming to America because he realizes Jesus is rapturing Americans first? Or, YIKES!, could it be Pope Frank is actually the Antichrist journeying to America to seize control in the post-rapture power void?

Either way, End of Days is Nigh. Which makes for interesting conversation.

PUTIN (poo-tin)

pronoun. The inglorious faux-czar of Russia

verb. To bring oneself to ruin at the height of one’s powers

adjective. Being without shirt, oft whilst atop beast

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Vladimir Putin and I go way back…

Oh sure, Vlad’s bouts of vodka-laced nostalgia for the Cold War likely do not include memories of young Vic Neverman as much as the various Western diplomats he tossed into the Dardanelles with an anchor necktie or those early mornings in some East Berlin basement fastening jumper-cables to Teutonic man-nipples. Yes, in Vlad’s glory days of the Cold War, I was just a boy from the mangroves scouting for commie submarines off the shores of Florida until Nana called me in for nappy-time. Nevertheless, I’ve been predicting (plotting even!) the sweet demise of my archest of nemeses, Vladimir Putin, since I was old enough to draw it out in Crayola.

Lo! here we are on the verge of Putin’s catastrophic collapse.

Da, the Russian bear was cruising along just fine until he bit off a piece of the Ukraine. Putin’s land grab was too brazen and the West responded with sanctions and market manipulation to drive down the price of oil (which is Russia’s golden teat). Russia’s economy is on the brink and the people will soon drive out Vladimir Putin just as I predicted for 2014. And for 2013. Come to think of it, I have been predicting the fall of Vlad every year I have written this damn blog. The time is nigh!

Yet Vlad’s demise was not my only prediction ahead of 2014 and certainly not the only newsworthy event. Allow me to present to you, dear reader, a review of my 2014 predictions as well as a recap of notable trouble we found ourselves in this last year…

Vic’s 2014 Predictions

Vic and his Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee

cat-masked Vic and his Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee

As frequent readers will attest, I am quite the lucky bastard to have a Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee. What prognosticator worth his salt is anything without their own Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee by their side? Indeed, as expected, my Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee was again my most valuable person in 2014, sparing my neck, saving the hairs on my chin and, indeed, the very skin of my teeth. Many times. Yet, she does so subtly, without giving away the big cosmic joke at the end. You see… she, my Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee, is very selective in telling me what future she sees in the entrails of the tacos she divines. Of course, she is quite quick to forewarn me of bad jokes she senses I am about to tell and she will bray like a banshee whenever some foul woman is about to cross my path! But she, my Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee, will not provide me her foreknowledge of worldly events or even set my Fantasy Football lineup, for that matter. Long story short, she’ll protect me without allowing me to use her clairvoyance for personal gain, and thus, obviously, evil.

TACOMANCY (ta-ko-man-see) noun. Divination through interpreting the composition of tacos.

I disclose all of this so you, dear reader, realize my annual prognostications are not spoon-fed to me by my Puerto Rican psychic-sidekick from Milwaukee, but rather the result of hours of research and beer-gut intuitive speculation. She is not to blame for anything that follows…

Without further ado, these were my predictions for 2014 taken straight from last year’s post:

  1. Vladimir Putin will fall. HIT! Bigtime. Perhaps it doesn’t come to fruition until 2015, but Putin putined in 2014.
  2. Sushi-Bomb! Fukushima meltdown will render seafood unpalatable. HIT! I can’t believe anyone eats sushi anymore. What, do you think all the mercury in tuna is going to protect you from the radiation? Have you looked at that roe lately? Those fish-eggs have Godzilla
  3. Sriracha is hottest condiment commodity of 2014. BULLSEYE! Subway and other franchises have sriracha sauced entrees.
  4. Bitcoin stays valuable despite flood of alternative currencies. HIT! This time last year I was buying Bitcoin for $100 a pop to then bury in my backyard. It is now over $300 and sponsoring the damned St Petersburg Bowl Game.
  5. Pope Francis brings many to the Faith, pisses off others. HIT! Heck, he even went as far to suggest the need to baptize aliens if they landed tomorrow and wanted to be accepted into the Faith. His comments were typical Argentine hyperbole, of course, unless, of course, they weren’t…
  6. Infrastructure negligence leads to mass blackouts. Because lucky. The same riots I predicted took place, but because of police brutality and stuff, not blackouts.
  7. Artic Conditions make the Superbowl unbearable to attend. It was cold, but people turned out. The game was still unbearable to watch, however. On second thought, HIT!
  8. All the tea in China is steamed over Latin American waters. Too early to tell. In 10 or 20 years, if the only freshwater left in the world is at Lake Titicaca and the Chinese own every drop of it, then we’ll know I was onto something with China Red’s 2014 resource grab.
  9. China conquers the moon. Too early to tell. These Chinese play long games of chess. We Americans want Rock-Paper-Scissors instant gratification. I haven’t heard about Jade Rabbit, China’s lunar rover, in some time which is likely a bad sign.
  10. Spy Blimps will hover over America. HIT! Spy Blimps over DC no less.

Vic’s 2014 Blog Posts

I posted forty-something blog posts this year. The most popular had to do with my favorite paranoid song of the summer and the damn blood moon prophecy. Here are some of the other things I wrote about…

  1. Corruption in sports, from Russia’s Sochi Olympics to Qatar bribing FIFA. In fact, both of these countries earned my irkedness more than any other this year. I also bet heavily on the Super Bowl.
  2. HBO’s True Detective was the one social meme I really sank my teeth into. I even began my own investigation which found me chasing Satanists in Florida forests.
  3. I explored the possible alternative terrorist angles to the Malaysia 370 tragedy and the more recent Sony Hack. I did not delve into the latter Malaysia flight shot down over the Ukraine because we all know who I would blame and mostly, because, a friend of mine was on board.
  4. It was a big year for virus hysteria. I hit the ground running with my MERS is Camel Flu post and then talked about the EBOLA elephant in the room before anyone else gave a shit. Not too shabby considering I summered in North Africa. In fact…
  5. I spied for the Aussies in Morocco, made some friends, etc. There was a fatality in Fes, but otherwise good times.
  6. Cyrus Lee Hancock returned to the Bayou. We covered topics such as ISIS and Why is Hipster?
  7. As a result of Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk coming out against A.I., I began a series of posts discussing Artificial Intelligence with various characters, in which I refer to myself as the Drunken Robot.

History is the biographical shadow play on the cave wall of a manic, semi-self-aware species of ape dancing in front of the fire. History is decided by the victors, mere lipstick applied to the slaughtered pigs of the defeated. History is a child backing away from the broken cookie jar. Ambrose Bierce defined history as “An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.” As flawed as the books may be, history does reflect our future by highlighting patterns from the past. Marx said history repeats itself as farce, but then what does farce repeat itself as?

The world only seems to be coming apart at the seams. In reality, it is Sweeps Week as reruns of ancient feuds are played out LIVE! on our cable news networks. Japan has militarized itself for the first time since the last world war in order to deal with Chinese pursuits in the South China Sea. Saudi Arabia and Iran are fighting a proxy Sunni v Shia war in the apocalyptic playground of Eastern Syria and Western Iraq as the established tyrant Assad has cried havoc! and ISIS lets slip the dogs of war. Russia had a fine winter harvest, hosting the Olympic Games and annexing Crimea as Vlad Putin stabbed his arse with another syringe of testosterone. In the Holy Land, Hamas defied their will to live and Israel rained a plague of hellfire down on Palestine.

And then Malaysia Flight MH17 was shot down over the Ukraine by pro-Russia rebels. Thoughts of the USS Maine (1898, Cuba), the HMS Lusitania (1915, North Atlantic), and the USS Maddox (1964, Gulf of Tonkin) come to mind as war inducing catalysts. I cannot help but compare 1914 with 2014; 100 years ago complicated alliances and a tinderbox of ethnic tensions brought about the Great War. Fortunately, for the purpose of this discussion, an old colleague was in Casablanca and available to help sort through the madness.

CASABLANCA, Morocco

Jojo, the German bankster, sat beside me in the dark confines of the Rialto Theatre in Casa’s Art Deco district. I apologized for my slurred speech; I was as hung-over as a drowned parrot after spending the last forty hours in a deep, brooding drunk with my Aussie friends in Rabat after we learned one of our own was aboard the MH17 flight (and this is the last I will speak to that; apologies, but it is too acute that I dare not bare it). I didn’t give Jojo the background into my state and he would have been disinterested anyway. I asked him, if history repeats itself as farce, what does farce repeat itself as…

Jojo emitted a condescending snort of amusement, scratched his chin and delivered a speech too Shakespearean and academic for me to digest on a blackened liver, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream leads to The Winter’s Tale, but all circles back, eventually, to Titus Andronicus: a bloodbath that would consume the complacent.”

Paranoid Profile: Jojo, the German

I last saw Jojo in Split, Croatia, when he was working as an advisor in Zagreb towards Croatian ambitions to join the European Union. He was a married family man, then, with a profound respect for the double-jointed hips of the sashaying local broads. Ours was a discussion, at length, into the last hundred years of conspiracies in the Balkans. In 2014, Jojo was semi-retired, living in Basel, Switzerland, with a predilection for absinthe, fairly off the radar, yet within striking distance to Zurich or Geneva should his services be required. He had re-branded himself as a backroom theoretical rogue economist for hire to postulate pseudo-cyber/economic warfare scenarios. He was anti-IMF, anti-World Bank and quite the historian. He rotated between mistresses and in 2013 attempted to negotiate the American citizenship of a Belarussian 22 year-old (younger sister of a friend of a mistress) by marrying her off to yours truly – Vic Neverman. I was… ‘open’ to the idea until Jojo’s mistress made hasenpfeffer out of his pet in retaliation for his dalliances.

“I hate this city.” Jojo sneered. “No history, just filth. My last time here, Casablanca 1987, I come to this theatre, Rialto, to see ‘The Ice Pirates’ movie which starred Robert Ulrich (not to mention future Hellboy & SOA star Ron Perlman). Half of the movie is blurredness censorship. Moroccans disrespect the bare thighs of Angelica Huston, though a still-unknown Mary Crosby is delectable. Much unfortunate.”

I offered a second venue, literally a block away: Petit Poucet, a pre-war bar built by the Franks, it was a cultural icon. Humphrey Bogart’s Casablanca was a bullshit Hollywood set; Petit Poucet was the true mid-century representation of the waning years of French occupation – Morocco’s own version of La Belle Epoque, indeed. Petit Poucet also had kindly grandfatherly barkeeps who smiled upon my arrival, clearing off a spot at the bar and serving up a bowl of olives. North Africa, during the recent troubles in Palestine, was not an easy place for a westerner to find comfort, but Petit Poucet was familiar territory: a good of a place as any for Jojo and I to discuss Realpolitik in relative peace.

I asked Jojo if he found any relation between 1914 and 2014.

Gavrilo Princip, Yugoslav Nationalist, assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914

Gavrilo Princip, Yugoslav Nationalist, assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914

Ja.” He responded mildly, sipping his Speciale Flag pilsner. “Damn pesky Slavs. They are always inciting conflagration at the forefront. Putin, Vladimir, he has Panslavic desires, uniting Ukraine and the Baltic States back with Russia. Poor Vladimir, deeply he laments the end of the USSR. He wants Russian hegemony over the former ‘Republics’ they lost in 1991. You know this word, ‘hegemony’? Is like political power.” Jojo demonstrated by grasping an olive with his non-beer hand and squeezing until extra virgin oil seeped through his fingers. “The Serbs, they are Southern Slav; in 1914, Serbian Anarchists, the Nationalists, they wish to get rid of Austrian Hegemony in the Balkans. In 1914, Serbs wanted greater Slav nation and supported Russia. In 1914, Russia wanted to drive wedge between Hapsburgs and their Slavic subjects. Panslavic unification.”

“Right.” I skipped into the jump rope. “Similarly, has not the West been occupied with driving a wedge between Russia and Ukraine? Getting Ukraine to join the EU and leave Putin’s Soviet Union behind? Are not Western Europe and America pissing in the face of the sleeping bear?”

Jojo grumbled, “Europe is pussies. Europe is indifferent, economically they need as much help as can get for European Union. America, yes with the pissing. Europe, no. The dominant country in EU is Deutschland. We Germans do not oppose the Russians. Since 1950s, we have policy of OustPolitik – we favor the East, German Chancellors have been pro-Russia. Germany does not provoke the bear. EU just needs Ukraine for economic gain.”

“Is it just America, then, provoking the bear? Perhaps the US is trying to drive an economic wedge between Germany and Russia.”

Jojo nodded meager acceptance, “Ja, perhaps. US of A, though, is currently performing ‘Eastern Pivot’ to Asia. Obama was not ready for Ukrainian situation. United States was caught by surprise as they are too focused on China. Now, is not an easy situation, Ukraine, Arab Spring… Secretary Clinton, Secretary Kerry, they are having to speak to events in Middle East and Eurasia, but they want to be looking to China.”

“The latest Malaysian Airline tragedy almost helps the west as it is entirely damaging to Putin’s regime in the Kremlin. Do you think it will be enough to turn Germany away from Russia?”

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Jojo groaned his indecision. “Russia wants chaos in the Ukraine. If Russia cannot have the Ukraine, chaos is best. The Ukraine offers a buffer state and chaos allows Russia to control trade routes, oil routes, Panslavic unification of Russian ethnicity. Russia will not admit to wrong-doing and the rest of the world hesitates. Germany will say nothing. I speak earlier of Europe being pussies. Germany, we live with war guilt. We will use economic sanctions, ja, but to mobilize military as Japan is now doing, nein. This will not happen. Deutschland will be invaded before Germans commit to war again.”

“After the crash of MH17, the black boxes have been removed, the missile launchers hidden; there may not be enough evidence to determine who is ultimately responsible for the tragedy. Still, Russia directly or indirectly is to blame, but will anything actually change?”

“Some things change. Some things, not so much. Israel and Palestine – eventual ceasefire (temporary, as always). The Israelis will not want world calling them bad guys. Palestine will lose fervor for martyrdom. Russia and Ukraine – eventual de-escalation. Pro-Russia rebels will be forced to turn to politics, not guns. Once more peaceful, MH17 will be footnote. Syria and Iraq, there is no hoping. Strife will exist unless dominate power exerts force. Damascus and Baghdad, everything in between, will become dust and ash…that is, unless the Great Powers divide up the Middle East and run as fiefdoms; a far more pragmatic outcome, wouldn’t you say?”

The FSB (the secret police formerly known as the KGB) is busy preparing for the Sochi Olympics where they hope to strategically pair at least 4 militarized cops for every suicide bomber emerging from the Caucasus woodshed like drunken uncles with roman candles on prom night. Sochi is the summer paradise of Soviet bureaucracy, where the Bolsheviks would recuperate along the caviar-enriched beaches of the Black Sea. Now those Cold War summer homes are the site of the Winter Games and they happen to be in spitting distance of bullied Georgia and embattled Chechnya. Ill tidings await NBC and the rest of the world. But what of… beyond?

My numerologist said 2013 would be a year of forced confessions. We’ve learned much about Tiger Woods and the NSA in that time span all thanks to Edward Snowden (the mystery driver of Tiger’s Escalade and the Benedict who stole the secrets of the “No Such Agency”). Now Snowden is hanging out in Moscow within the grip of Vlad Putin, the latest tyrannical star of Russia’s Cult of Personality (following in the footsteps of Lenin, Stalin and Little Niki Kruschev), which means Putin’s KGB chums have in their hands the complete batch of stolen American secrets. While Western media outlets have slowly divulged the secrets provided to them, what spicy details might be released from Russia’s corruptible spies?

News of America being puppeteered by pale and lanky aliens! That’s what.

Iranian News Agency FARS is propagandizing this image to its people

Iranian News Agency FARS is propagandizing this image to its people

According to Iran’s Fars News Agency, (DON’T CLICK THIS LINK UNLESS YOU WANT THE NSA TO KNOW YOU CLICK LINKS TO IRANIAN NEWS AGENCIES) Snowden Documents Proving “US-Alien-Hitler” Link Stun Russia.

So dig this baby – not only does Iranian media say Snowden has evidence Obama is the puppet under the control of “Tall White” aliens who once backed Hitler, but the former Canadian Minister of Defense Paul Hellyer agreed in his interview on Russian TV this month. Hellyer’s “Tall White” aliens operate out of Nevada with America’s Air Force and they go on shopping sprees to Vegas dressed as nuns.

But back to the Iranian 4th Estate…

Snowden’s apparent “leaks” speak of alien-inspired submarines in the 1930s to help the Nazi cause. In 1954, United States President and hero of the sequel to the first Great War, Ike Eisenhower met with “Tall White” Nordic aliens and agreed to create a “secret regime” which still rules American politics.

And you – dear reader – laughed when I spoke of writing underground. This shit is paranoia-inducing, unless of course you are paranoid already and expecting such rando-insaneness. The Wash-Po and Forbes have already read through these strange musings and call them propaganda to paint Americans as other-worldly evil to the people of Iran, who happen to be closing in on being nuke-capable.

Before I close out this post, I did want to provide some background into the “Tall White” theory. Below is a transcript from the beginnings of the Russia Today interview with the former Canadian Defense Minister:

Sophie Shevardnadze: Our guest today is the Honorable Paul Hellyer, former minister of Defense of Canada, and he believes that life forms from space are present on Earth. It’s great to have you on our show. Why do you say that UFOs are as real as airplanes flying over our heads?

Hellyer? Hell Yeah!

Hellyer? Hell Yeah!

Paul Hellyer: Because I know that they are. As a matter of fact, they’ve been visiting our planet for thousands of years and one of the cases that would interest you most if you give me two or three minutes to answer is that during the Cold War, 1961, there were about 50 UFOs in formation flying south from Russia across Europe, and Supreme Allied Command was very concerned and about ready to press the ‘Panic’ button when they turned around and went back over the North Pole. They decided to do an investigation and they investigated for 3 years and they decided that, with absolute certainty, four species – at least – had been visiting this planet for thousands of years. We have a long history of UFOs and of course there has been a lot more activity in the last few decades, since we invented the atomic bomb and they are very concerned about that and the fact that we might use it again, and because the Cosmos is a unity and it affects not just us but other people in the Cosmos, they are very much afraid that we might be stupid enough to start using atomic weapons again, and this would be very bad for us and for them as well.

1/4/14

Vic in the Amazon

Vic in the Amazon

In the Amazon, I had a machete-artist of a trailblazer who spoke the language of birds. He would emit various guttural calls to macaws, egrets, toucans. Within moments, the winged & unseen voices would reply from their secretive nooks betwixt the jungle. I asked my Indian wife (a marriage of convenience, legally-binding only in Peru – mind you… and your sister, should she be so disposed) to ask my steadfast guide in their shared indigenous tongue what fowl message he was receiving from the birdfolk. Roberto would smile his gold-toothed smile at us and interpret the avian squawk. What do the birds say? “When comes the jaguar”.

Hmm, I contemplated whilst stroking the beard grown strictly to be stroked within contemplation. This was strange black magic fuckery, indeed!

Turkish Espresso: a looking glass into the future

Turkish Espresso: a looking glass into the future

In a gas-station outside Ankara, a Turkish woman divined my future by reading the sediment remaining in my coffee cup. I wish I could understand her Turkish like I understood the message I read in Chicago from a fortune cookie that told me to “Duck!” Tarot readers, Gypsy palmists and psychic mediums have all told me the same thing: my “dark and secretive nature” would bring me to ruin. Nice advice, but paranoia, like pregnant housekeepers, cannot be unscrewed.

My point, if there is to be one, is that prophecy surrounds us.

Fear prophets, Adso, and those prepared to die for the truth, for as a rule they make many others die with them, often before them, at times instead of them.

–Umberto Eco, The Name of the Rose

I, Vic Neverman, however, am not a prophet. To read the ripples of a cannonball before it hits the water – this is prophecy. I, rather, am a futurist. A futurist sees the burning fuse of the cannon pointing out to sea and predicts a splash. No prophet, I am just a gambler. Albeit, a lousy gambler; my guestimate of 2013 events proves as much. Nevertheless, Never-the-Man, I am here to boldly pronounce what I – and you with all eventuality – expect to occur this year of 2014 in order of confidence.

Good old Nostradamus, he knew the whole damn time,
There’d always be an East from West and someone in the fight

– Modest Mouse, Education

1. The Downfall of Vladimir Putin

Aye, you might notice that this was my number 1 prediction for 2013 too. Keep the faith, my readership. This is a linear path, my dates are just off. Vlad’s stay of execution as Russian Premier is entirely because of the umpteen billions of dollars invested by the mafia state into this winter’s Sochi Olympics. To overthrow Vlad pre-Olympiad is bad for business.

In a fast-grab for good PR, Vladimir has pardoned some of his biggest foes, most notably oil magnate Mikhail Khodorkovsky and 66.6% of the imprisoned Pussy Riot (curious note – the other 33.3% that is Nadya Tolokonnikova hasn’t been seen (at least reported on) since she was shipped off to a Siberian work camp in November). This good press is rather transparent and will not save Vlad from an Olympic Games that are doomed. This week’s bombs in Volgograd are a bleak picture of the threat of sectarian terrorism within Russia. Even the Olympic Torch seems cursed.

Sochi 2014 - Vlad's greatest triumph or his undoing?

Sochi 2014 – Vlad’s greatest triumph or his undoing?

Vladimir Putin has never been as powerful as he is now, especially after playing the part of peaceful negotiator (fans of the prophetic visions of John the Revelator will find a similarity with the revelation of the anti-christ) in regards to Syria in 2013. Yet, as powerful as this villain has become I have read in the works about heretics, “the Devil mocks his familiars.” Has the devil ever possessed a more greed-infused pawn than the likes of Vlad Putin? Has a tyrant (other than that Hitler guy) ever stood before the world as host of his own Olympiad? Yes, the rising tower of Babel will crumble. If not this year, then surely in 2015.

2. Sushi-Bomb! Fukushima Renders Seafood Unpalatable

The Corporatized 4th Estate tends to only report stories in their own best interests, which is why we never heard about the recent overthrow of banks & government in Iceland and why we hear little news of the increasing nuke pollution threat out of Japan. Fukushima was apocalyptic bad and it has only gotten worse. By the end of 2014, any sushi you eat out of the Pacific may very well drop the mustache right off your face. Gulf of Mexican shrimp, while likely toxic, are far healthier by comparison. Oceanic fisheries are low and mercury is high. Sinbad’s 7 Seas are a sad state of affairs. So much for the Age of Aquarius. You should begin going to your favorite sushi restaurant with a Geiger counter.

3. Sriracha is Hottest Condiment Commodity of 2014

srirachaHeinz or Hunts or Kraft or Tobasco will buy out all of the Sriracha factories in the United States to incorporate into their own product line. If they do not, Sriracha will buy them in 2015. Yes, I know I am tragically known as the futurist who predicted that the eggroll in 2012 would overtake the taco as America’s favorite food… But Sriracha is for real.

4. Bitcoin stays Valuable despite Alternative Currencies to the Alternative Currency

There is the old adage, “if you can’t bury it in your backyard, does it really have a value?” Quite simply, yes. Bitcoin is not only a means for the darkest crevices of the cyber-world to transact business, it has an ingenious ceiling attached to its quantity. A limited supply always increases demand. The fact there is a program built in to limit the number of Bitcoins forever contributes greatly to its very value… And it will spawn off rival coinage similarly programmed.

5. Pope Francis brings many to the Faith, Pisses Off Others

The Argentine pope will bring plenty of new converts to the Catholic Church in 2014 and even win several unconverted back with his liberal stance on many of the longstanding dogmas of the papacy. His liberal approach, however, will offend many and lead to the spawning of heretical groups of orthodox (and perhaps ‘bigoted’) fanatics. They, secretly sponsored by the Establishment (or certain conservative parties within), will undermine Frank by attempting to tie him to scandal and hack into Vatican coffers. Pope Frank, however, will not be deterred despite being labeled a “heretic” by his antagonists. Fortunately, he will not ask Benedict to come out of retirement to jumpstart a new inquisition (though ‘Inquisitioner Ben’ could be a reality show to rival ‘Duck Dynasty’).

6. Negligence towards the Infrastructure leads to Mass Blackouts

A brutally chilling winter will lead to a desperately dry and hot summer. Air conditioners, refrigerators and cell phone chargers will trigger manageable brownouts across the country as the disintegrating web of our infrastructure fails to keep up. Eventually, however, systematic brownouts cannot control the increased demand and an epic blackout will sweep across the Northeast through the Midwest.  The old and young will perish, riots will erupt in marketplaces, sales of pools and fences will rise.

7. The Superbowl No One Went To

In order to finance the construction of the monstrosity of MetLife Stadium which supplanted the previous field that served as Jimmy Hoffa’s gravestone, a Superbowl event was granted to East Ruth, New Jersey. Not the less climactically hostile New Jersey of 20 years ago, but rather the New Jersey of tomorrow… I do not speak ill of New Jersey, mind you, only ill of tomorrow and any host city of the Superbowl north of Tampa that doesn’t put the game in a dome. The climate is changing, storms are becoming more violent and frequent in areas where such storms were once rare. In 2004, Florida was hit by 4 hurricanes in a single summer & there hasn’t been shit since. There is nothing rational about contemporary meteorology – weather patterns now resemble Rorschach ink blots used as gin & tonic coasters. This year’s Superbowl could very well exist in such dismal conditions that no one attends the bloody thing. As a result, the NFL will holographically impose half-naked fans in the stands so the watching American public assumes someone gives enough of a damn to attend the game.

8. All the Tea in China is Steamed over Latin American Waters

In their resource grab, China will buy Nicaragua’s Lake of similar name and Peru’s Lake Titicaca as a means to obtain most of the fresh lake water in Latin America. The former Mayor of Toronto does a line of blow and calls China to offer them the Great Lakes.

9. China’s Terrestrial and Lunar Conquests

China will lay claim to regions of the moon its Jade Rabbit is hopping around. In 2014, China will also own so much earth and precious minerals under Africa and Australia that the popular American restaurant Outback will begin serving eggrolls and will insist you eat their steak with one knife and one chopstick. Ehh, excuse this weak attempt at xenophobic comedy at the expense of the stark reality China will one day own everything.

10. Spy Blimps will Hoover over America

An oldie, but a goldie… I have been predicting this since 2011 and each year spy blimps become more and more a part of our vertical scenery as they scan the populace with their thermal and cyber imagery. You might toss away your cell phone in an attempt to hide from the grid & the NSA, but hope ye not! The multiple spy blimps overhead will train their audio equipment from a mile away and capture each of your ecstatic gasps of delight as you bugger your favorite inflatable so they might store such animal grunts in their bottomless pit of a mainframe.

Food Blog – (noun) a writing assignment recommended by Vic’s life coach to transfer his attention away from less paranoid matters to something more digestible.

MiscellAsian – (adj) describing a quality of miscellaneous Asian origins.

Nestled in between Central Floridian train rails and Interstate #4 sits the thin strip of Ivanhoe, a brief median between alternative transits where the most vulnerable curators oversee shops of antiquities and wine cellars rub sports jacket-patched elbows with archaic furniture priced for someone above your station in life. At the southern end of Antique Row rests “The Hammered Lamb”, a sportsy bistro invested in its own irrelevancy between signs for the railroad and the freeway. With every train pass comes a free shot of revelry booze that is hardly free from consequence. It is the kind of place where you find hipsters of bygone decades sporting fedoras along with their grunge-era concert tour shirts. It is the kind of place where you find Erasmus.

I speak, of course, of Erasmus of Otter Dam Military Academy, the professor of military analytics and a foreign policy aficionado. A creature spawned, nurtured and de-virginized during the Cold War, Erasmus is of a skeptical nature and only agrees to see me every Winter Solstice or so…

Now I, Victor Ulysses Neverman, am not entirely certain of my birthdate thanks to the gypsy nature of my parental units’ fact collecting, but I can reverse-engineer the very month of my birth based on the characteristics of zodiacs and horoscopes. For someone as dark, secretive, passionate, distrusting, conniving and sarcastic as your narrator, it is obvious I was born a Scorpio in the Chinese Year of the Snake. Given that, my Winter Solstice horoscope was one of suggestion, “You need to indulge in a power struggle today – so make sure you are ready for whatever comes! It’s a good time for you to strike first, because surprise may be your only asset.” Well said for someone born under scorpion and snake signs.

Advised by the stars, I arrived at the agreed upon destination with a sharpened wit and a pair of brass knuckles I won off a Persian in a contest of Fantasy Football. Did I expect antagonism from Erasmus? Well, no, but one would be wise to consider the stars.

hammerd lambI met Erasmus and we ordered draft ales, some of those popular craft beers of high gravity alcohol content reminiscent of eating moldy cinnamon toast. Simply lovely. I began the chat with an Arctic inquiry, If a government fell in Iceland and no one was there to report it, did it really make a sound? I was referring, of course, to the revolution in Reykjavík, where the banking and political establishment was entirely upended without the American media ever noticing it. Erasmus shrugged it off, “It is an island nation of 300 thousand people, you cuckolding’s your neighbor qualifies as a power coup in Iceland.” Yes, yes, but the fact that a government and its banks were overthrown by the people, the fact the American media did not report this; doesn’t it say something about the corporatization of the fourth estate that they would censor such details from us, the American public? Erasmus again shrugged, “Iceland isn’t exactly a microcosmic example of what is possible in America. There isn’t anyone in Iceland that isn’t in some way a relative of anyone else in Iceland. If America is a melting pot, Iceland is mutton.”

And so the lamb quesadilla arrived. It was very lamby. I am not big on lamb, so I went on…

“I foresee the Sochi Olympics this winter being an absolute disaster. The Olympic torch has become unlit umpteen times and has set several Olympic torch-bearers on fire. Seems a bad omen. What other kinds of disaster can we expect in Russia this winter?”

Erasmus, between hammering lamb quesadilla betwixt his molars, commented, “I like the way Obama slapped Putin in the face by assigning openly gay Olympians to the American counsel. It may be more of a back-handed slap, but a power-play nonetheless. Sochi is a shithole. The fact the Russians were able to turn it into a winter sport Mecca overnight speaks to the efficiency of the mafia running that corrupt state.”

I hurried to the next subject as the house-wings arrived, “What do you think about China on the moon?”

“China doing what on the moon?”

“Just having a lunar rover roaming around and taking pictures?”

“It’s eventually going to come to arms, it is sadly inevitable.”

“You mean open conflict?” I sought clarity.

House Wings, worth tearing through like a mugger on a sacred cow

House Wings, worth tearing through like a mugger on a sacred cow

“Yes.” Erasmus confirmed, handling a house-wing like mugger pulling a sacred cow into the Ganges. “Out of a demand for resources. They’ve bought the ground underneath the feet of Africa already.”

“And Australia for mineral rights.” I added. “China owns most of the earth at this point.”

“Fortunately…” Erasmus spat out a bone of one of the fallen. “America has found enough resources under us, as far as natural gas, as long as we are not too big of a pussy to draw it out of the ground.”

“Fracking has got some long-term bad mojo, man.” I countered.

courtesy of defensenews.com

courtesy of defensenews.com

“And so does China. And don’t overlook Japan, man. Since World War II, Japan’s military has been strictly defensive. With China annexing the waterways of the South China Sea and setting new air defense perimeters, Japan is starting to get edgy.”

“Especially with North Korea.” I offered. “North Korea is China’s gimp in the box. China can keep Pyongyang in check or they can let Kim Jong-un loose and shrug their shoulders at the result as if they had nothing to do with it.”

“Sure.” Erasmus agreed, washing his pallet with some dopplebock elixir from a domestic brewery. “Given all of these threats, it might make sense allowing Japan to assume proactive military measures, but I warn you… beware waking the Shogun. We’ve kept Japan’s military in check since World War II for a reason. Just because half of America is driving Japanese cars doesn’t mean we can trust them.”

Paranoid Food Blog Rating – loud and festive atmosphere at the Hammered Lamb, good for conversations not to be overheard. There were fanatical holiday-goers, but nothing too tinsley. 45 out of 63 NeverStars.

Greetings Traveler.

an ale of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

an ale of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

If you are like me, you are wearing two-socks, feeling Autumnal and writing a blog post from the basement of the Tipsy’s Liquor World in Under Mountains, Colorado (pop. 2,419, give or take a Vic Neverman or 2). As I casually scan my frigid surroundings, I find I am dreadfully alone. Just me, a Led Zeppelin bootleg (of a bootleg of a Cadillac commercial playing Led Zeppelin) and the skull-eyed glance of a beer label hugging a pessimistically half-emptied bottle of ale. Given such personal isolation, I trust you are, indeed, not like me in which case you probably didn’t see this coming: the Quincunx of Calamity (amity, amity, amity…)!

Herein to be read at your own peril are five mysterious conspiracies and cover-ups that should be in today’s headlines. Well… at least four of the topics should be digested, the fifth is just for good measure and because “quatcunx” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as quincunx.

 Imprisoned Pussy Riot front woman has disappeared in Russian Prison System

 As Vlad Putin peacocks about his Sochi Olympic city that crept overnight out of the Black Sea like a beached Kraken diseased on corn syrup, one of his most impassioned antagonists has gone missing. In 2012, the chick band Pussy Riot stirred a commotion with their “Punk Prayer” at a Moscow Orthodox Church where they screamed for the Virgin Mary to rid Russia of Putin. Despite protests from the music community, Vlad at the bequest of the Orthodox Church imprisoned three of the key members of Pussy Riot.

Punk Prayer at Christ the Savior Cathedral, "Hail Mary! Expel Putin!"

Punk Prayer at Christ the Savior Cathedral, “Hail Mary! Expel Putin!”

Nadya Tolokonnikova is one of the most outspoken members of Pussy Riot. In protest of the slave camp conditions she has endured in the woman’s prison in Mordovia, Nadya went on a hunger strike. On October 21st she was moved, but no one knows where to. Her family (she is married and has a child) has no idea where she is. She is likely headed towards a Siberian gulag… at best. At worst, Vlad used her for crossbow practice or sold her off to be a part of some Sheik’s harem. This is the Russian totalitarian regime at its worst.

Click here to sign the petition (futile it may be) for Putin to provide answers to the whereabouts and well-being of the political prisoner.

Monsanto has killed the Honey Bees (Colony Collapse Disorder)

The bees are dying and I blame Monsanto. Perhaps you do not care much for jars of honey. Do you like almonds? 80% of the world’s almonds are grown in California, but after the great die-off, it would take 60% of the surviving bees in the United States to pollinate that crop alone. Whether you’re watching the prices for almonds, avocados or blueberries, the increase in cost is largely due to a mass die-off of bees.

“Monsanto is the devil.” An industry insider once told me as he drove me through Milwaukee. That was back in the good old days; recently, the same insider explained what scientists are not saying, “Monsanto tests these pesticides to gauge the environmental impact before releasing into the market. What they do not test for is what if we spray Agent Orange one year and then Agent Pink the next… it is the mixture of different pesticides that is creating a toxic environment that honey bees, let alone other organisms, cannot subsist in.” The honey bees have been dying off for years now and yet this has been highly overlooked by mass media. Why? Monsanto is a multinational corporation that bullies governments smaller than them and has their own puppet strings in the fourth estate. Monsanto is out to own all the food on earth by pushing their genetically modified seeds that are resistant to non-Monsanto pesticides. What is next for them? Either they create a crop-dust that can pollinate almonds or they start genetically modifying bees. Or they just let half of the world starve. Fucking dicks.

British Spy Found Dead and Locked in Zipped Bag, Officially Called Self-Inflicted “Accident”

In 2010, MI6 communications officer (code breaker) Gareth Williams was found dead in his English apartment. Not just dead, but dead and naked in a gym bag tossed in his bathtub that had been zipped up and locked. Think about this: he is in a zipped-up gym bag locked with a padlock. The coroner’s findings were that it was highly likely that something unlawful occurred. Yeah… No shit, Sherlock.

Yet the investigation was closed this week after it could not be absolutely determined that Gareth could not have padlocked himself into a zipped-up gym bag. Officially, it is an accident. I call bullshit. What the Brits are covering up in the death of one of their spies, I have no idea.

Who killed Arafat? Vlad “the Paler” Putin, that’s who

Yasser Arafat was a leader of the Palestinian people who won the Noble Peace Prize in 1994 for his efforts with the Oslo Accords to bring a calming peace to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Despite his efforts to make peace, undercurrents persist that it was the Israelis that killed Arafat in 2004 rather than a stroke from a blood disorder. This week, Palestinian Authority minister Habbash compared the assassination of Arafat to the poisoning of Prophet Muhammad’s meat by the Jews (Islamic hadith recalls theories on the death of the prophet). This was prompted by Al Jazeera’s report this week about a Swiss team of forensic scientists finding high traces of Polonium-210 in Arafat’s body.

Goodness me, could this be? Arafat’s widow certainly thinks so. But why would Israel want to extinguish the only person on the Palestine side of the fence that would compromise with them? The Palestinian prejudice against Israel is blinding them here. All they need to do is follow the stench of money. There is a team that contradicts the Swiss findings (right or not) and ironically, this is a team of Russian scientists. According to the BBC, the Russians found no polonium poisoning in Arafat.

Vlad Putin, Asshole Extraordinaire

Vlad Putin, Asshole Extraordinaire

“Where is the irony?” you might ask. Russia is a mafia state run by arms dealers with as much to lose in a peaceful Middle East as anybody (including us, U.S., the militarized states of America and our Military Industrial Complex). Curiously, Russia’s latest modus operandi in assassinations is death by radioactive poisoning. Just ask Alexander Litvinenko, the ex-KGB agent who found asylum in England and wrote books about false flag terrorism bringing Vladimir Putin into a position of power. In 2006, Litvinenko died from polonium induced acute radiation syndrome. Oh… just BTW, it was polonium-210.

Dolphin Bullying Frenzy may have Occurred in Media-Chummed Waters

Certainly, the reaction to the bullying allegations of Miami Dolphin Richie Incognito was overzealous. FACT: Incognito is a bully, he represents the dregs of humanity, but such dregs make for good football players. Sport economics provide thugs like Incognito with work. FACT: The sports organization put Incognito into a position of authority, which obviously shows the ineptitude of the Miami Dolphins organization. Bullies exist, bullies given leadership positions should not.

Here is a lesser-known FACT: the threatening phone conversation we’ve seen transcribed was missing an elemental send-off at the end. I shall paraphrase it here with the omitted closing underlined, “hey half-N piece of shit, I will shit in your mouth, slap your real mom, I will kill you, haha call me back.” The media feeds us a vile death threat out of context. In full context, the voicemail is still inappropriate, yet is more understandable as an exaggerated attempt at satiric correspondence. ESPN and the rest of sports media omitted the closing because “call me back” downplays the severity of the preceding comments. FACT: the Media used addition by subtraction (omission) to spin this story out of control.

It is too early to judge Incognito or Martin, but the organization and the media are certainly wrong in their actions. It is time for a sheriff to come in and clean up Miami. Enter Don Shula. In an effort to appease Dolphin fans nostalgic for the glorious 80s, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has asked Don Shula and his team of Hall of Famers to form a commission to look into these locker room mishaps. This was the first good news I have heard since this locker room scandal was announced. Bring in Don “the Don” Shula. It is time for some accountability.

Shit is about to get REAL

Shit is about to get REAL

Mother do you think they’ll drop the bomb?

-Pink Floyd

The future is uncertain but the end is always near.

-The Doors

Welcome to the future. Welcome to 2013. I am Vic Neverman and I am your guide to what will be this next year, at least for the length of this blog post. Yes, the future is running a little late, but what’s prognostication without a little procrastination?

I consider myself neither optimist nor pessimist in these prognostic pursuits, merely the pragmatic gambler, placing my wager only after peering perversely into my telescopic lens at the voluptuous Lady Fortune as she bathes in what she assumes is absolute privacy. Yes, as King David upon the roof, I peek at the forbidden flesh that is the future and watch the torrent of water beating down upon the sudsy curvatures of her naked form. Enlightened with such hidden knowledge, I return at once to Plato’s cave to relieve you, dear reader, of the dark abyss of ignorance and deliver you, presently, to what is and what should be… 2013.

1 – Russian Premier Vladimir Putin will resign or be overthrown.

First dart toss and I am going straight for the jugular. Vlad “the paler impaler” Putin is so righteously paranoid, he makes your narrator look like Mary-fucking-Poppins. For good reason – Vlad’s greatest allies are those who fear him most. Russia is a Mafia State, as “corrupt as a prostituted nun selling a hotdog to a lipless pig.” Vlad plans a purge on corruption and this will only bring about his downfall.

To read more on this prediction, see the below blog post…

The Fall of Vladimir Putin

2 – Gun legislation dance will prompt highest gun sales ever

Conspiracy theory has gone platinum of late with hot-headed talk show guests screaming about Obama and the hidden world government taking away our guns. The truth is that these paranoid theorists are on the payroll of the NRA and so is Obama. Every time Obama mentions gun control, what happens? Every gun and round of ammunition between you and St Lou is gobbled up as if zombies are gathering in the parking lot. Not much is made in the USA anymore, but guns and tanks and missiles and robo-pterodactyl drones still are. War is no cottage industry, it is the American industry. All those trillions put into our oversea campaigns – a lot of that money goes into the pockets of bomb builders, contractors and our own troops. The domestic market for weapons is fast expanding. The NRA doesn’t represent gun owners… it represents the gun manufacturers. Politicians do not represent their constituents… they represent special interests.

There may eventually be legislation proposed requiring background checks, proof of ID, sexual persuasion, etc. all while gun lobbyists flaunt the 2nd Amendment like a fifty dollar bill in a whorehouse to keep assault weapons easily obtainable, but the entire drama is little more than grand theater.

3 – Big Pharma will produce a zombie pill

The FDA will approve testing of a new super-drug that lowers blood pressure by diverting blood to the groin, curing both heart and erectile malfunction issues in men simultaneously. This super-drug will become the cause of the world’s first zombie outbreak thanks to the use of blow-fish toxins and panther bits in the recipe. Fortunately, the zombieism is contained to just lab rats and gerbils and the one lab scientist who got creative with some PVC pipe after reading a Richard Gere autobiography. Unfortunately, the damn Canadians got their hands on the chemical makeup and will produce a generic version of the pill by 2014.

4 – Climate Change will bring best justification for owning assault weapons

The 2nd Amendment allows us to bear arms as a militia force to standup to a potentially oppressive government. The unforeseen benefit is that such ownership allows us to also scare off our neighbors during climactic climate events. 2013 will see more unpredictable weather – thunder without rain, snow when you expected bikinis and Al Roker thinner than what is humanly decent. Heat-waves will encourage droughts and by extension lower agricultural output, bringing higher food prices. Heat-waves will bring brownouts as more air-conditioners are turned to uber-high. Food scarcity and power outages will bring social unrest, civil chaos, conduct unbecoming, buggery, larceny, cuckoldry, chronic self-abuse and general disorder. Maybe having that assault weapon isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining

– Fleetwood Mac’s words will prove untrue in 2013

5 – Occupy Movement Performs a Reunion Tour

After taking 2012 off, the well-rested Occupy Movement regains steam in 2013. I, Vic Neverman, personally met with “the Freesome Threesome of Orange Avenue” in Downtown Orlando. Their spokesperson spoke as illegibly as the words tattooed across his forehead (the words were written in inky Cursive, which I believe is a dead language like Pig Latin and is thus indecipherable to anyone other than the casual Egyptologist passerby with a slide-ruler and a sundial), yet the message was audible enough: 2013 will be “Occupied like its 2011” just without all of the Jersey Shore paraphernalia of that bygone age. I was accompanied by “the Butcher of Longwood” who boldly sipped from the cursive tattooed-foreheaded spokesperson’s mustachioed-flask of cinnamon-tainted spirit as we made casual comments about the Occupy Orlando mascot “D’Rupy Dawg” as he lay entirely fucked-up on hashish and passed-out in a guitar case. When that sleeping dog wakes it is on!

D'Rupy Dawg, the hobo mascot of the Occupy Movement as found on the streets of Orlando on 1.12.13

D’Rupy Dawg, the hobo mascot of the Occupy Movement as found on the streets of Orlando on 1.12.13

6 – The term “Lesbianian” will enter the American vernacular

“Lesbianian” will describe anything resembling or bearing the characteristics of or employing the essence of being a lesbian. For example, to decorate your office with posters of Xena:Warrior Princess would be lesbianian. Understandable, sure, but lesbianian. Similarly, “Asianian” will be used to describe something that is not Asian, but very closely resembling.

7 – Alternative Religions will be on the upswing

Living in the post-Maya Apocalypse world is a life without meaning. All of the economic chaos, violence, political instability was easily explained with a point at the looming Apocalyptic date of 12/21/2012, but now the Apocalypse has come and went. All the answers we hoped to find in the galactic alignment promised to us by the Maya Astrologers are empty. The people will turn elsewhere for their Truth.

Cults will be on the rise. Scientology, hurt by the sluggish economy, will start offering membership 2-for-1 deals. Locally, here in Florida, the prophetess Layla Santana Crow will build a following with her message that is centered on the disbelief of dinosaurs. Sales of Tim Tebow jerseys will continue to be a high despite no longer having any team’s colors on them.

8 – On a related note, a Tim Tebow update

Number15, the great forsaken one of the NFL, will wander the wilderness of the offseason where he will meet a wizened old sage known as Jim “Crash” Jensen. Tim Tebow will learn that if you can’t play quarterback – play everything else. He will then sign with the Miami Dolphins to play H-Back.

Jim "Crash" Jensen played backup QB, RB, TE, LB, WR, special teams and occasionally was the Dolphin mascot

Jim “Crash” Jensen played backup QB, RB, TE, LB, WR, special teams and occasionally was the Dolphin mascot

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

― Ambrose Bierce

Bayou Saint Basil, one hour from Tampa, FL (depending on traffic)

The acreage I am surrounded by is pure jungle and gator-infested swamp. The air is alive with the screeching of insectual horde, crickets or locusts or some other exoskeletal shit-eater, all of whom found the same cacophonic pitch right at dusk and have been screaming away ever since. This is home. This is real Florida.

I have been residing in this bayou bungalow ever since the Governor’s voter purge threatened to take away my voter rights for having travelled to three or more communist countries (of which, I will admit Vietnam and Cuba qualify – but Canada?). Rather than suffer the possible purge of Rick Scott (who also appears to be coaching the Miami Dolphin football team), I came here to conserve what rights I have left.

“Who wants shrimp!?!” Nixon, perhaps at the ’72 Ice Gala

Very near Bayou St Bas is Tampa, Florida, where the Republican National Conventioneers are preparing for the greatest GOP party since Nixon’s Shrimp Cocktail on Ice Gala of ‘72, an event so scandalous the press nicknamed it Watergate-Gate. Despite the eager anticipation of the upcoming convention in Tampa, there is an underlying anxiety. Even as the shrimp and strippers are bussed in by the tonnage, there is an uneasy anticipation of the threats creeping along the dark and murky waters of the Gulf of Mexico: the impending path of Hurricane Isaac and the lurking Soviet Akula-class nuclear submarine.

Sure, all of the cable news networks are talking about Isaac and the threat it poses to overflow Tampa’s Bay, but there are few, if any, murmurs on television about Ivan and the Russian sailors refueling at the sunken Deepwater Horizon. According to “reports”, Russian Premier Vlad “the paler” Putin has had one of his nuke-killer submarines patrolling Gulf of Mexican shores for most of this summer – all without being detected by the US Navy’s satellites, anti-sub patrols and laser-equipped dolphins. The Akula class submarines were built to silently hunt and sink American subs, qualifying it for all sorts of devious tasks along our domestic shoreline. This story may have not reached mass-media, but it has definitely floated to the surface in the hallways of RNC HQ in Tampa.

Akula class submarine… perhaps off the coast of Sarasota?

Texas Republican Senator John Cornyn has written a letter to the Chief of Naval Operations demanding an explanation, mentioning in his letter that such events are especially troubling given the military cutbacks of President Obama. The Navy, last I checked, never bothered responding. In fact, many are ignoring the reports, possibly because they came from the Washington Free Beacon (not to be confused with Washington Free Bacon, which does not exist regardless of what the lobbyist is telling you), a blog-site specializing in propagandizing hawkish budgets. When the Houston Chronicle asked Pentagon spokes-sailor, Lt Commander John Fage, he didn’t grant the Free Beacon any credibility, “We are aware of the reporting but we see nothing to indicate it is true.”

Could all this be a carefully orchestrated ruse meant to humiliate the US Navy and Obama’s budget cut proposals? Yes, according to my blog source for all things Lesbian, Lez Get Real. Lisa Carbonell finished her blog with an interesting remark, “We are left with dumb, stupid question of the week about this: if the sub went undetected by our Navy for two whole months, how did the Free Beacon find out about it?”

http://lezgetreal.com/2012/08/the-russians-are-coming-the-russians-are-coming/

Vlad “the Paler” Putin on a Horse

Of course, there is the possibility that the Russian thug, Putin, is mocking the RNC safety exercises put into motion last spring by sending one of his stealthy subs to wink it’s periscope at the vulnerable bitch that is Tampa Bay. If this is possibly the case, should we even be worried? Chicago Tribune blogger Steve Chapman notes the inferiority of the Russian Navy – we out number their ships 2,384 to 233.

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-08-22/news/chi-russian-sub-dubious-danger-20120822_1_russian-subs-russian-navy-aircraft-carriers

While Putin can puff out his chest for the camera, doing so by swimming his subs off of Clearwater would be no more than the act of an underwhelming/overmatched bully. Pick on someone your own size, Vlad, like chick punk rockers.

Perhaps, then, we can dispel with the rumors of one antagonist along the Gulf Coast and focus on the remainder: Hurricane Isaac. Fortunately for me, and for you for that matter, I am a professional hurricane preparedness specialist. I may not have any particular training beyond a rescue diver certification and years of pizza delivery experience in monsoonal climates, but I do intend to make money off of my skills, thus I am a professional. Which… kinda sounds valid.

Hurricane Isaac, the uninvited guest to the RNC

But enough of the small talk! My right-wing conspiracy theorist partner-in-crime, Cyrus Lee Hancock and I will be travelling middle Florida this weekend in anticipation of Isaac and the convention goers. We will be encouraging the peopled streets to hunker down with lots of snacks. We will be interviewing the gaggles of prostitutes gathered for the RNC to determine their overall storm preparedness. We will be preaching virtues of post-cataclysm survivalness, like being able to cook a rabid raccoon, finding clean sources of water and polygamy. (Wait… what? I swear this note is not in my hand-writing). And, damn it, we might just save a life or three in the process.

Once the storm passes, we (“we” being Cyrus Lee, your humble navigator Vic Neverman and the lady conspiracy cadet Bo Lynn Belle) are heading west to the Rocky Mountains for Labor Day revelry of such unnecessary and unnatural dimension something of its like has not been seen since, ironically, the Nixon Shrimp Cocktail on Ice Gala of ’72.