Posts Tagged ‘NASA’

Something launching in the East, near Cape Canaveral?


At approximately 6:40 pm EST, I walked out of the gym and thanked my stars for the serendipitous timing. There before me was what I was certain must be the last shuttle launch. It was perfect timing, with the clear day and beautiful sunset, the plumes of the rocket were lovely hues of red, pink, purple. Helluva way to sunset the NASA program…

I was there early enough to see the star-like flame of the rocket as it arched its way over the Atlantic (I was definitely looking East). The glare of the rocket was very similar to a shuttle.

A couple of strange items:
– How did I not know this was the day of the last launch? I figured I must have been distracted by all of the tragedy in Libya and Japan.
– The plume of the rocket was spiral, making quite the lovely (though brief) imprint on the twilight sky. What is strange is that I am not familiar with a shuttle making this sort of cloud wake.
– There was no shuttle launch. According to NASA and Florida Today websites, nothing was scheduled to launch.

So what was it? I started searching the web and the only thing I found were similar questions asked on a conspiracy theory website (where Vic Neverman happens to be a member). I followed the thread – a mix of curious questions, panicked doomsdayers, and then the naysayers who wouldn’t believe. The thread was started by someone in Tampa around 5:30 (odd) and who thought was from over the Gulf Coast, but I read of at least one person in South Florida and another in South Georgia who saw the same thing.

Unfortunately, conspiracy forums become so burdensome to read entirely as so many users hawk their own opinion and half of the remarks are making fun of other user’s gullibility, grammar, or spelling. Needless to say, I did not read the hundreds of comments made in the last 2 hours, but I will stay abreast of this odd situation…


Destroyer: Mission to Mars

Posted: February 5, 2011 in paranoid life
Tags: ,

(part 3 of 3 of a blog series on Dan the Destroyer and his visit to Florida)

At last, prophecy fulfilled, Dan the Destroyer arrived in Central Florida. For the first time since leaving my Oregonian life behind, I have been confronted with a remnant of that past. I gave Dan some direction and blindfolded him the rest of the way. Beer was on the quick draw and soon after I confronted him, “I know you are a narc and I have blogged about your narcism so if anything happens to me, the public will know the truth! …Except that I have blurred out your face and covered my own so they will only know so much and have to guess the rest.”

Dan offered his typical defense when faced with accusations of being a government mole: bewilderment. He even had a bewildering haircut. Trained in Quantico (or maybe Langley) to play poker, Dan offered nothing up. His explanation for being in Florida revolved around a small business conference and his desire to transact business in Cape Canaveral at the Space Center. Dan, electrical engineer that he is, fell back on a story of manned missions to Mars and robotics required for such ventures.

Fortunately, Vic Neverman is not a stranger to such conversations. Indeed, I have offered myself up to NASA as a volunteer for a one-way mission to Mars via long email to their public relations department. Figuring the government would love to get me out of their greasy hair, I expect a call any day.

Vic Neverman, always looking for a passage into orbit

Dan went into conversation about robotics and I quickly cut him off, telling him the most vital automaton for such a trip would definitely be a sex-bot. Think about it… getting to Mars requires a two year trip there IF you properly coordinate each planets journey around the solar system to find the quickest route. Should you go equipped with a way back (easier said than done), that would be another couple years home. That is a lot of space and time to fill.

While many human beings have a high ideal for their concept of MAN, I do not. I believe man to be much closer to animal than to the ideal we set for ourself. One of the key (beautiful) flaws of man is the natural desire to procreate – or in the very least, the love of chemicals released during the procreation act. In a solo mission to Mars, the astronaut would simply need something, anything, to simulate the procreation rituals. In a multi-man Missions to Mars, inter-spaceship relations would be very testy in this space odyssey if each astronaut did not have their own private carnal escape awaiting them back in their pod.

Dan proposed sending a husband-wife team. I laughed. Multiple husband and wife teams? I laughed even heartier. Space can do strange things to a psyche. I know this from spending so much time underground in hiding (excessive space and lack of space are eerily similar). Your nerves fray and the few relationships that do exist are stretched until somebody snaps. What’s to stop one angry lover from shooting out their other through the air lock and into the infinite? No space cops can stop them. The simple act of one astronaut tossing another’s dildo out the airlock is harrowing enough (well, not to me personally, but you get the point).

The relationship dynamic between man & woman (woman & woman, man & man, woman & man, all inclusive here) is not built to handle a space journey like a mission to Mars. And so, there is only one answer… Sex-botics. Dan, I believe, felt the eureka moment. Perhaps this is the moment his small business venture was waiting for: that one spark to ignite a new industry.

“Before you go shifting paradigms…” I suggested to my friend, the engineer. “Remember this, when I speak of a sex-pot-bot, I am not referring to a mechanical sex-slave. Such a tool would only garner so much use. What man needs is fluctuation, variety even. Within the sex-bot should be code, an algorithm in the programming that randomly chooses when and how not to abide to the owner’s will. If the astronaut always retired to his chamber knowing Johnny 5 was going to give him head prior to his shower, then such a luxury would become underappreciated. Let us say the contrary, that SkyNet’s Poon Tang* only made herself available 65% of the time… the great anticipation of the astronaut would result in feelings of endearment for the cases when satisfaction was reached. The focus and adoration resulting from a fickle machine would certainly enhance its value to a socially starved astronaut. Love is directly tied to fear and in this case, fear of a lonely night would bring man and machine that much closer.”

*reference to the early 20th century rosy-tattooed Chinese escort of the same name, rather than whatever urban ramifications this term currently has.

Of course, the biggest problem would then be if the algorithm rejected Buzz Lightyear too many times to earn it a ride out the airlock. Then it would be back to too much space and time and nothing to “do”. And then there is the possibility of integration back into society upon return. Five years of loving a sex-bot might be too much to come back from.

Dude, Dan the Destroyer, Vic Neverman

Dan the Destroyer certainly left Florida a little wiser. I am sure somewhere there is a file being processed that includes my comments on spacial dynamics and for this I am glad. If Big Brother needs any more ideas, they can send Dan back to Florida to pass a few more beers in my direction…