Posts Tagged ‘Mossad’

Ask Vic: the advice column for the damned and determined

Ask Vic: the advice column for the damned and determined

Occasionally, Vic Neverman will answer your questions. Feel free to email him at and perhaps one day you will be featured in the Paranoid Mailbag.

Mr Neverman, I have a girlfriend for five weeks and she is always insulting me cuz of something she read in Cosmo, the magazine. I have a theory Cosmo gives more bad advice than good since more single women read the magazine regularly than happily married women. Am I nuts or am I onto something? – Reginald the Third from Muscle Shoals

Reggie, I like the way you think. If Niccolo Machiavelli were an editor of Cosmo, he would certainly suggest a method for retaining and enhancing readership as you propose. The difference between a conspiracy theorist and a journalist, however, is research. You should look into this potential conspiracy. Start anonymously trolling employees of the magazine until you can get the scoop. Make up business cards that claim you work for TMZ and hand them out at the Cosmo office cafeteria. Flash around rolls of money where the top bill is a Benjamin and everything else is rolled up newspaper. Seek out the interns, get them drunk and milk them for intel. Be persistent. Don’t just be ‘Reginald from Muscle Shoals’, be somebody who matters. Remember, today is the tomorrow you were paranoid about yesterday.

Hi Vic. Longtime reader, first time writer. I am looking to get into the espionage business. I have read all of Tom Clancy’s novels and I once worked with an Arab when I installed air conditioning units. I feel like I have something to offer, yet, I don’t have a degree and my ex-gf says my history with recreational hallucinogens and cockfighting would look poorly in a background check. Where can I find work? – Jerry Bourne of Knob Lick, Missouri

Hey Jerry. Your best asset as a spy is that you are an American. Of course, this is an asset coveted most by enemies of the United States. I wouldn’t recommend walking into Pyongyang waving a white flag or introducing yourself to the nearest Chinese waiter in an act of submission. Your best bet is to offer up services with “allies” of the United States who like to keep tabs on US all the same. Like the world-eating fuckers in Qatar. There are more Qatari spies than there are citizens of Qatar (unofficially 333,033 of the former versus 250,001 of the latter), so you could easily get work there. Or Google the Mossad human resources website. I am currently being vetted by the Israelies for a position in their cryptoblography department. It is tough work, but I am already circumcised and could use the extra income as pizza delivery doesn’t pay as it once did. Plus, their application process is quick, easy and fun!

The Mossad's career builder website...

The Mossad’s career builder website…

Victor, I have a question for Cyrus Lee Hancock. I have one of his business cards, but there are no contact details as it mentions “DON’T ASK FOR US. WE WILL FIND YOU.” This hasn’t been the case and I need to know what he recommends for a pest problem I have. You see, I live in North Florida and there is a tribe of rhesus monkeys gathering about in the trees and they all have herpes. At least, the animals captured by Fish & Wildlife have been confirmed as being Herpes-B infected. It is bad enough listening to their fornication at night, how can I avoid the herpe with these monkeys present? – Sally Jo of Crescent City, Florida

SalJo, on my last trip into international waters, I sent off a carrier pigeon to an offshore data haven and received back a burner phone with a saved number to dial and receive an encrypted password I could use to send an email to Cyrus Lee Hancock. I didn’t bother sending your question to Cyrus Lee because I can already anticipate his response to your Herpes Monkey problem as the following…

Cyrus Lee Hancock's response to rhesus with herpes

Cyrus Lee Hancock’s response to rhesus with herpes

Hey Vic. I know you are something of a gambler on football, as I am, and I have a beef to pick with Jameis Winston, the Heisman winning quarterback for Florida State University. FSU was favored by 8.5 points against Louisville this October and were down by 14 at halftime. At that point, I wagered with my father-in-law I would show him pictures of my ex-wife’s carnal regions if FSU came back and won. Well, it has come to light that Jameis Winston tanked during the first half to help his friend win a bet and then started playing lights-out the second half to win the game (and eventually cover the 8.5 point spread). Now I am in trouble with the ex because her pictures are all over Facebook. How can I bring “Famous Jameis” to justice for the wrongs he done me? – Barry Chichester of Bowling Green, Kentucky

Barry, all’s fair in love and wagering. When you make a gentleman’s bet on a game (though neither you nor your father-in-law, regardless of his relation to your ex, are gentlemen) you are taking the end result of the game in full faith of the proceedings, IfuckingE – unless you have it written in the fine print that cheating should render the wager null & void, you are out of luck. Deal with it. And really… don’t bet against Jameis as long as he is in the college ranks. When Jameis starts quarterbacking the Raiders or Buccaneers in 2015, bet heavily against him. No sooner.

Vic, I am a big fan of the television show, The Walking Dead. I am curious as to which character you think you are most like (my guess is Daryl!) and what strategy you would have in a zombie-apocalypse world. Could you humor me in my sci-fi-horror fantasy hypotheticals? – Tanya of Bitter Oaks, Virginia

Michonne chopping heads off and shit

Michonne chopping heads off and shit

Tanya, I hate to burst your fantasy bubble, but I would be nothing like Daryl in The Walking Dead. Daryl is a redneck biker with a crossbow. I am a pizza-delivery guy who was once on his high school math team. If there is any one character I resemble on The Walking Dead, it would most certainly be Michonne with her dreadlocks and samurai katana blade. Fuck yeah! If I were to have a strategy in the zombie apocalypse, it would involve a strong body of water. I am surprised Rick and his team has not figured this out yet. Find yourself an island and raise zombie stakes on the beach to impale an aquatic invasion. If push comes to shove, swim, surf, paddleboard out to sea… the undead will just walk under the waves and perhaps be picked apart by barracuda. The next spinoff for The Walking Dead should be in Southern California and feature the cast of Point Break. Patrick Swayze isn’t around to surf or dirty dance anymore, so we will have to recast with a bunch of millennial actors (though Swayze’s ‘Bodhitsatva’ character should be Gen X aged, perhaps a bleached Joaquin Phoenix with Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Special Agent Utah). It could be called The Walking Dead: Point Break. Perfect. Surf or Die, baby.


Neverella and his Fairy Mossad-Mother

January 1st, 2012, I receive a random email from an entity I will only refer to as “DxM”.

Happy New Year Neverman. (DxM) from Israel.

It had been nearly two years since my last cryptic exchange with the Israeli, a man whom I have never met in the flesh, yet a man who has dramatically altered my course of history before vanishing back into the ether of cyber anonymity. Was this most recent message a simple friendly greeting from one wayward traveler to another? Or is my Israeli guardian angel back… and hovering, waiting; a watchman?

The story is not a simple one. February of 2010 found me, Vic Neverman, in old Sai Gon in the days leading up to the Tet New Year celebration. Apparently, this DxM character was also present. Two foreigners: one frantic, the other composed. I had been the victim of a criminal enterprise and found myself without papers. I could not get a hotel room, let alone leave the country. The American consulate was about to close for the week long holiday, leaving me on the brink of being stranded. Airlines were completely booked due to the coming Year of the Tiger and my only course of travel lied in alternative method (smuggling myself aboard a commercial ship to the Philippines, at the risk of piracy, or attempting a westward plot towards India where I would find a flight home, but this came at the risk of crossing Myanmar (or whatever the Burmese junta called itself those days)), yet such travel still depended on my finding a passport of some sort in order to return home. With an absent American presence at the Consulate and the uncooperative Vietnamese police, the straights were dire for Vic. As the disadvantaged is prone to do in desperate situations, I went underground. The police may have been verbally abusive to my Vietnamese translator, but certain members of the police force did agree to an unofficial business proposition. I still had a means to cash and I was willing to pay out $200 for the return of my passport or anything close enough to it. I wasn’t dealing with the fairest of individuals, but as I mentioned, desperation had set in.

As I waited for my bribes to pay off, I brought my case to the American Consulate in the waning hours before they closed up for the week. I had a slim hope they might be able to renew my passport in half a day’s time. They managed to do much better. I was presented with an American statesman whose smirk and slight shake of head wasn’t as disapproving as it was… baffled. “You are Victor Ulysses Neverman? We weren’t sure how to find you.” He then handed over the entire cache of my stolen goods. He smiled, “This has never happened before.” What once was gone, now was found: the Neverman passport, a Vietnamese visa, $600 in cash and there was a note, reading “happy new year” with an obscure email address listed.

The email address would bring me to DxM. This unlikely happy ending is why I refer to this character as DxM, for being my Deus ex Machina*.

*Deus ex Machina is a Latin reference referring to a ridiculous plot twist where a fictional character is suddenly saved by a “god” coming “out of the machine”.

DxM claimed to be Israeli and a simple traveler who had come into possession my materials. Strangest of happenstance… But how could he have been in any position to rescue my passport at the scene of the crime without my knowledge of such an operation? Is it mere coincidence, a serendipitous blessing from the universe, that allowed this angelic presence to intervene on my behalf?

If you know anything about Neverman, you know I do not believe in coincidences. Was DxM Israeli? Sure. But a random wanderer in the right place at the right time? I think not. DxM was following me. For someone not asiatic and of medium height (an assumption) to be following an already paranoid Vic Neverman without my awareness would require a healthy amount of professional training. Understand this, dear intrepid reader, the crime occurred at Saigon’s flower festival where one might find themselves surrounded by tens of thousands of bodies, all moving in a chaotic dissonance – a colossal cluster of humanity – yet, these bodies are almost entirely under 5′ of height and Vietnamese. It is like wading into a flowing river up to your chest. For DxM to be hovering over my shoulder unnoticed would take some special skill. A skill inherited via training as a Mossad agent? Most likely.

We can all agree what is obvious: the Israelis were following me. Whether they played savior or they staged the entire criminal enterprise themselves, this much is uncertain and less relevant. The question that perplexes me is why were they following me? Certainly, if my own native government wanted to keep tabs on me, they would have just as many agents in the field as the Israelis – at least on this stage of Southeast Asia – so there would be no need for an espionage favor-giving between CIA and Mossad here.

Why was the Mossad following me in Vietnam and what does it mean that DxM has re-emerged from the shadows now, nearly two years later?

Neverman’s Stance on Middle Eastern Affairs

I am not shy about being a Turko-phile. The Neverman ancestral lands were pillaged and plundered by the Ottomans enough through history that it is no accident Vic possesses many Turkish traits: similar physical features as well as a fondness for mustaches and meat grilled with charcoal. In fact, prior to spending the new year in Southeast Asia, I was in Istanbul trying to root through international intrigue there, uncovering the ruling Islamic party’s secret military agreement with China (visit other Vic travelogues for more on this).

The Middle East has three cornerstones of influence from Islamic governments and I have gone on the record as far as calling them “the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”. The “Good” is in reference to Turkey, whose been a long time ally and is the gateway between Europe, Persia and the Levant. The “Bad” is Iran, whose people are wonderful, but whose government is run by radical lunatics. The “Ugly” is the Saudi Royal Family, another American ally who is only pretty on the surface and very ugly underneath (you’re likely familiar by now of my accusing the princes of Saud of indirectly financing 9/11 through protection payments to al Qaeda).

As a self-professed Turko-phile, this does put me at some odds with Israel. While the American government certainly considers both nations as allies, the relationship between the two states of Israel and Turkey has soured since the Islamists have taken over Ankara (the capital of Turkey) from the traditional secular political parties (who’ve ruled since Ataturk’s nationalist movement immediately after the Great War). Just look at Ankara’s support of the Pro-Palestine flotillas bringing aid to the West Bank in recent years.

American foreign policy with Israel certainly seems paramount in contemporary politics and while I, Vic Neverman, am not against the Israelis, I am concerned with how much American support they receive. If you listen to GOP candidates, like Newt Gringrich and Rick Santorum, Palestine doesn’t exist and neither does it’s people so rah-rah Israel. Well, if the Palestinian people are ruled as Israelis and are not an occupied prison camp, why do they not have representation in Tel Aviv? Ye gods! Can the beacon of democracy in the Middle East (or so the diplomats call Israel) not allow a Palestinian vote?

I also find it disturbing how supportive Gringrich and Santorum are behind an Israeli pre-emptive strike on Iran. Shouldn’t we be discouraging Israel from initiating such an attack rather than standing in line behind them? Haven’t we gotten ourselves in enough trouble charging into Mesopotamia and beyond for one century? Yes, we should defend Israel from Iran, but we should not be encouraging them to start a fight that will certainly end badly.

So sure… DxM and his Mossad overlords probably are not the biggest fans of my drunken blog rants, but am I this deserving of such close attention?

Happy New Year, DxM, wherever you may be lurking…