Posts Tagged ‘Israel’

History is the biographical shadow play on the cave wall of a manic, semi-self-aware species of ape dancing in front of the fire. History is decided by the victors, mere lipstick applied to the slaughtered pigs of the defeated. History is a child backing away from the broken cookie jar. Ambrose Bierce defined history as “An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.” As flawed as the books may be, history does reflect our future by highlighting patterns from the past. Marx said history repeats itself as farce, but then what does farce repeat itself as?

The world only seems to be coming apart at the seams. In reality, it is Sweeps Week as reruns of ancient feuds are played out LIVE! on our cable news networks. Japan has militarized itself for the first time since the last world war in order to deal with Chinese pursuits in the South China Sea. Saudi Arabia and Iran are fighting a proxy Sunni v Shia war in the apocalyptic playground of Eastern Syria and Western Iraq as the established tyrant Assad has cried havoc! and ISIS lets slip the dogs of war. Russia had a fine winter harvest, hosting the Olympic Games and annexing Crimea as Vlad Putin stabbed his arse with another syringe of testosterone. In the Holy Land, Hamas defied their will to live and Israel rained a plague of hellfire down on Palestine.

And then Malaysia Flight MH17 was shot down over the Ukraine by pro-Russia rebels. Thoughts of the USS Maine (1898, Cuba), the HMS Lusitania (1915, North Atlantic), and the USS Maddox (1964, Gulf of Tonkin) come to mind as war inducing catalysts. I cannot help but compare 1914 with 2014; 100 years ago complicated alliances and a tinderbox of ethnic tensions brought about the Great War. Fortunately, for the purpose of this discussion, an old colleague was in Casablanca and available to help sort through the madness.


Jojo, the German bankster, sat beside me in the dark confines of the Rialto Theatre in Casa’s Art Deco district. I apologized for my slurred speech; I was as hung-over as a drowned parrot after spending the last forty hours in a deep, brooding drunk with my Aussie friends in Rabat after we learned one of our own was aboard the MH17 flight (and this is the last I will speak to that; apologies, but it is too acute that I dare not bare it). I didn’t give Jojo the background into my state and he would have been disinterested anyway. I asked him, if history repeats itself as farce, what does farce repeat itself as…

Jojo emitted a condescending snort of amusement, scratched his chin and delivered a speech too Shakespearean and academic for me to digest on a blackened liver, “A Midsummer Night’s Dream leads to The Winter’s Tale, but all circles back, eventually, to Titus Andronicus: a bloodbath that would consume the complacent.”

Paranoid Profile: Jojo, the German

I last saw Jojo in Split, Croatia, when he was working as an advisor in Zagreb towards Croatian ambitions to join the European Union. He was a married family man, then, with a profound respect for the double-jointed hips of the sashaying local broads. Ours was a discussion, at length, into the last hundred years of conspiracies in the Balkans. In 2014, Jojo was semi-retired, living in Basel, Switzerland, with a predilection for absinthe, fairly off the radar, yet within striking distance to Zurich or Geneva should his services be required. He had re-branded himself as a backroom theoretical rogue economist for hire to postulate pseudo-cyber/economic warfare scenarios. He was anti-IMF, anti-World Bank and quite the historian. He rotated between mistresses and in 2013 attempted to negotiate the American citizenship of a Belarussian 22 year-old (younger sister of a friend of a mistress) by marrying her off to yours truly – Vic Neverman. I was… ‘open’ to the idea until Jojo’s mistress made hasenpfeffer out of his pet in retaliation for his dalliances.

“I hate this city.” Jojo sneered. “No history, just filth. My last time here, Casablanca 1987, I come to this theatre, Rialto, to see ‘The Ice Pirates’ movie which starred Robert Ulrich (not to mention future Hellboy & SOA star Ron Perlman). Half of the movie is blurredness censorship. Moroccans disrespect the bare thighs of Angelica Huston, though a still-unknown Mary Crosby is delectable. Much unfortunate.”

I offered a second venue, literally a block away: Petit Poucet, a pre-war bar built by the Franks, it was a cultural icon. Humphrey Bogart’s Casablanca was a bullshit Hollywood set; Petit Poucet was the true mid-century representation of the waning years of French occupation – Morocco’s own version of La Belle Epoque, indeed. Petit Poucet also had kindly grandfatherly barkeeps who smiled upon my arrival, clearing off a spot at the bar and serving up a bowl of olives. North Africa, during the recent troubles in Palestine, was not an easy place for a westerner to find comfort, but Petit Poucet was familiar territory: a good of a place as any for Jojo and I to discuss Realpolitik in relative peace.

I asked Jojo if he found any relation between 1914 and 2014.

Gavrilo Princip, Yugoslav Nationalist, assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914

Gavrilo Princip, Yugoslav Nationalist, assassinates Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914

Ja.” He responded mildly, sipping his Speciale Flag pilsner. “Damn pesky Slavs. They are always inciting conflagration at the forefront. Putin, Vladimir, he has Panslavic desires, uniting Ukraine and the Baltic States back with Russia. Poor Vladimir, deeply he laments the end of the USSR. He wants Russian hegemony over the former ‘Republics’ they lost in 1991. You know this word, ‘hegemony’? Is like political power.” Jojo demonstrated by grasping an olive with his non-beer hand and squeezing until extra virgin oil seeped through his fingers. “The Serbs, they are Southern Slav; in 1914, Serbian Anarchists, the Nationalists, they wish to get rid of Austrian Hegemony in the Balkans. In 1914, Serbs wanted greater Slav nation and supported Russia. In 1914, Russia wanted to drive wedge between Hapsburgs and their Slavic subjects. Panslavic unification.”

“Right.” I skipped into the jump rope. “Similarly, has not the West been occupied with driving a wedge between Russia and Ukraine? Getting Ukraine to join the EU and leave Putin’s Soviet Union behind? Are not Western Europe and America pissing in the face of the sleeping bear?”

Jojo grumbled, “Europe is pussies. Europe is indifferent, economically they need as much help as can get for European Union. America, yes with the pissing. Europe, no. The dominant country in EU is Deutschland. We Germans do not oppose the Russians. Since 1950s, we have policy of OustPolitik – we favor the East, German Chancellors have been pro-Russia. Germany does not provoke the bear. EU just needs Ukraine for economic gain.”

“Is it just America, then, provoking the bear? Perhaps the US is trying to drive an economic wedge between Germany and Russia.”

Jojo nodded meager acceptance, “Ja, perhaps. US of A, though, is currently performing ‘Eastern Pivot’ to Asia. Obama was not ready for Ukrainian situation. United States was caught by surprise as they are too focused on China. Now, is not an easy situation, Ukraine, Arab Spring… Secretary Clinton, Secretary Kerry, they are having to speak to events in Middle East and Eurasia, but they want to be looking to China.”

“The latest Malaysian Airline tragedy almost helps the west as it is entirely damaging to Putin’s regime in the Kremlin. Do you think it will be enough to turn Germany away from Russia?”

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Vlad Putin inciting chaos in the Ukraine

Jojo groaned his indecision. “Russia wants chaos in the Ukraine. If Russia cannot have the Ukraine, chaos is best. The Ukraine offers a buffer state and chaos allows Russia to control trade routes, oil routes, Panslavic unification of Russian ethnicity. Russia will not admit to wrong-doing and the rest of the world hesitates. Germany will say nothing. I speak earlier of Europe being pussies. Germany, we live with war guilt. We will use economic sanctions, ja, but to mobilize military as Japan is now doing, nein. This will not happen. Deutschland will be invaded before Germans commit to war again.”

“After the crash of MH17, the black boxes have been removed, the missile launchers hidden; there may not be enough evidence to determine who is ultimately responsible for the tragedy. Still, Russia directly or indirectly is to blame, but will anything actually change?”

“Some things change. Some things, not so much. Israel and Palestine – eventual ceasefire (temporary, as always). The Israelis will not want world calling them bad guys. Palestine will lose fervor for martyrdom. Russia and Ukraine – eventual de-escalation. Pro-Russia rebels will be forced to turn to politics, not guns. Once more peaceful, MH17 will be footnote. Syria and Iraq, there is no hoping. Strife will exist unless dominate power exerts force. Damascus and Baghdad, everything in between, will become dust and ash…that is, unless the Great Powers divide up the Middle East and run as fiefdoms; a far more pragmatic outcome, wouldn’t you say?”


He who makes kittens put snakes in the grass

-Jethro Tull, Bungle in the Jungle

There is a prevailing sense of doom in the air. From the dearth of avocados in the lead-up to Cinco de Mayo to the rising cost of bacon because pig fever epidemic, the nearness of the End seems to be quickening.  Don’t look now, but in the wee hours of Tuesday, April 15th, a lunar eclipse will occur in such a fashion that will paint the moon a rusty hue of red. It is known as a “blood moon” when the earth’s atmosphere distorts the light of the sun reflecting off the moon to create the bloodiness. Now dig this: the next four lunar eclipses all happen to be blood moons. For apocalyptics looking for signs from above, this does not portend well. For doomsday capitalists, though, business is booming.
Search Amazon for “blood moon” and you will find three different books detailing the same basic plot points: four blood moons (what astronomers call a “Tetrad”) occurring over four Jewish holidays is not just eerie, it is historically profound. In the past, according to the snake-oil salesmen of this doomsday du jour, four blood moons falling on Jewish feast days have occurred alongside the beginning of the Inquisition (kicking Jews out of Spain), the 1948 creation of Israel and the 1967 capturing of Jerusalem by Israel in the 6 Day War. What Goliathian event must await the world with this pending tetrad of four blood moons beginning with April 15th?

Allow me to reintroduce Cyrus Lee Hancock, a gentleman scoundrel who I’ve outed as a charlatan in the past. After swindling his fanatic followers with his doomsday insurance for the anti-climactic 2012 Maya Apocalypse, he and his wife (affectionately called by locals, “the Princess Di of Oviedo”) were forced to flee Florida for the Appalachian comforts of Tennessee where Cyrus Lee was born again as a preaching man. He too has picked up on the blood moon hysteria and is selling his doomsday insurance and hosting parties (his wife, Layla Santana Crow, is planning each extravagant bout of revelry). While Cyrus Lee is not taking my call, I knew I could lure one of his henchmen out of the wilderness to discuss the Blood Moon Prophecy in more detail.


Finding Rufus Holdsworth is no easy ordeal. He lives off the grid like the neighborhood tomcat that keeps knocking up your pet and stealing the coffee grinds out of your garbage. For me, I knew which disillusioned housewife was laying scraps outside her window for the tomcat, so I dropped him a message vis-à-vis her. As expected, Rufus showed his weathered and wizened mug at my suggested burger joint in Longwood, Fla an hour late. He was excitable, showing pictures of the paw prints of a Florida Panther he had been tracking in the scrub brush while drinking bottles of Corona with an expediency suggesting he expected the heavens to ignite with a nuclear mushroom cloud at any moment. Which he did. Expect. At any moment. Luckily for me, he was willing to answer questions in his fleeting time.

“Hancock saw how much money these fat preachers were making off of their ‘four moon’ books and his initial thought was to put out a ‘five moon’ book.” Rufus Holdsworth informed me. “Y’know, what is worse than four blood moons? Five blood moons.”

How could that possibly work when astronomers know there will only be four in a row?

“He argued we don’t need to convince the science boffins and space wonks, we only need to convince the doomsday crowd.” Rufus explained, as he reached for another bottle of Corona, sticking in a slice of lime before overturning the beer and toasting, “First one today. Hancock knows he will never convert skeptics like yourself, but he doesn’t need to. There are enough lemmings waiting to take the bait. I was able to talk him down from five blood moons to the four, but it might not have mattered.”

How so? You cannot peddle complete lies.

“This is where you are wrong.” Rufus informed me as he scrutinized the beer wench. “She has kind eyes. So… Vic, here’s the thing, man, people do not take new evidence and change their opinions. They take whichever new evidence supports their moral objective and ignore everything else. You know this, dude. If someone believes global warming is a left-wing conspiracy, they will ignore every scientific fact while grabbing a hold of an irrelevant blizzard in Atlanta to prove the world is not getting warmer. You do not convince people with facts, you convince people by playing upon their predetermined moral objectives. If you have people desperate to have the return of Jesus to end their misery, and cousin let me tell you there are scores of theses lunatics about, then they will believe anything you present that suggests their dreams of Armageddon are about to come true.”

There is no point in trying to reason with them?

“No! What did I just tell you? Reason is but bricks used to rationalize their preconceived notions of a wall. They take the bricks of reason that helps build the wall they want, they ignore the facts that will not support the wall. This is new neuroscience stuff, man. Scientists are finding reason is only a tool used to prove what people want to believe.”

Blood Moon Prophecy is selling, but could there be something to it?

“Sure, search the Bible and you will find passages about moons turning to blood and stars falling out of the sky, so yeah, there might be something to it.”

The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.

– Joel 2:31, King James Bible

What about the Jewish feast day coincidence? Is there something to that?

Rufus Holdsworth pulled his jowls out of a cheeseburger and spoke while moving the clump of food into his chipmunk cheek. “’Ere’s what you got to know…” He chewed and swallowed a chunk big enough to give me heartburn. “The Hebrews are an ancient race and like many pre-Christian peoples, their calendar is based off of the moon and not the sun. This is why their holidays float around so much; there are more than 12 moon cycles in a year. Ancient calendars wouldn’t have just a leap day every four years; they would need a leap month to catch up. Ironically, Cyrus Lee Hancock was born on a leap day on a blood moon and he doesn’t hesitate to capitalize on that shit. It’s on his fucking resume.”

What do lunar calendars have to do with anything?

Rufus Holdsworth gulped the remnants of his Corona and winked the barkeep over. She arrived all smiles and blue eyes. He saddened his expression, “It’s damn hot in here. If you can’t drop the air conditioning a couple of degrees, I might have to take off my shirt.” She teased him something about no shirt, no shoes, no service. Rufus was adamant with his douche-bag grin, “You and I both know I’d still get service.”

After a few finger-snaps, I redirected Rufus’s attention. What do lunar calendars have to do with anything?

blood-moon-tetrad“The Blood Moon myth is based off of the coincidence there are four straight blood moons on Jewish feast days. Jewish holidays are based on lunar cycles, so there is a high chance they occur on a full moon. You can’t have an eclipse without a full moon and 1 out of every 6 eclipses just so happen to occur on a Jewish Holiday.”

So it isn’t a coincidence?

“Not so much.”

Two similarities is a coincidence. Three similarities is a conspiracy. Four blood moons is the end of the world as we know it.

– Cyrus Lee Hancock

What about the history described by the prophecy pushers?

Rufus spoke to the bartender in the gray tank-top instead of responding to me. “Hey, so do you have any roommates?” The bartender smiled quizzically as she admitted she did have roommates. “Will they mind if I shower at your place? I’ve been camping for the last month and could use a good scrub.” The girl was closer to 20 than 30, but she didn’t mind they grayed temples of Rufus’s wild mane or his middle-aged sunburnt smile. Her gasp of startle was filled with enough delight to qualify as approval, though she said little else. I told myself I wasn’t envious of Rufus and the coquetry on display as his object of desire sauntered away. I snapped my fingers to recapture his attention.


“Bollocks.” He admitted before saluting his bottle of beer, “First one today. First of all, these preachers talk about three tetrads that occur on Jewish holidays (tetrads are four consecutive blood moons). There has been more than just those three significant tetrads, but the spares do not have any historical significance, so they are ignored. So these blood moon preachers are already fucking with the data, eliminating inconsequential detail to improve their statistics. You follow? Yeah? So what of the three tetrads they do bring up? Three tetrads that have been important to the Jewish people?

“First they reference the Spanish Inquisition, which began in 1478. There was a royal decree in 1492 to expel from Spain any Jew that did not convert to Christianity. Well, the fucking blood moons don’t even start until April of 1493. If the blood moons are some sort of warning to the Jewish people, the Almighty was a little late to the party. While we are on the subject, if these blood moons were supposed to be this great warning, why weren’t there any before the Holocaust? Might’ve been handy to have then, right? Fucking Nazis.”

I once saw Rufus Holdsworth fight a Holocaust denier at a tailgate party before a football game. Rufus not only walloped the denier with a half-eaten turkey leg, he disposed of the imbecile in a portable toilet box. The home team Citronauts won on that day. No word on the denier.

What of the other historical blood moon tetrads?

“I won’t call her.” Rufus spoke about the barkeep. He scowled an admission, “I have chiggers and my junk is all jacked-up. I mean, it isn’t scabbies or herpes or anything, but my junk is all itchy and red. I can barely sleep at night.”

I had been there. Have you tried applying meat tenderizer?

“The other historical blood moon tetrads being referenced are the nationalizing of Israel in 1948 and the 6-Day War of 1967 when Israel took back Jerusalem. Here is the thing: the first blood moon of the 40’s was in 1949 and the other tetrad didn’t begin until 10 months after the 6-Day War ended. What sort of warning is that? If we are really using history to predict blood moon prophecy, then we need to find out what happens before the blood moons begin. Since the blood moons begin on Tuesday, what the fuck just happened that is significant?”

Russia invaded the Ukraine. A Malaysian flight disappeared into the Indian Ocean. David Letterman announced his retirement.

“Right, so there you have it.” Rufus Holdsworth leaned over his empty plate towards the barmaid, “We’ll take the check. Put it on his card. Hey… do you have any calamine lotion at home?”

Flashingback to a Conversation on Immantizing the Eschaton

BIMINI, Bahamas

“To Immanentize the Eschaton is to help facilitate religious end times here on Earth” Rufus Holdsworth mentioned to me years ago over rum drinks under an oak tree. We had both spent too much time in the sun and he was wearing his scuba mask backwards so it appeared like the back of his head had huge bug-eyes. “It’s like ripping off the band-aid real fast in expectation of seventy virgins hurrying to kiss your boo-boo.”

“What does ripping off a band-aid have to do with the United States’ invasion of…(whichever nation we were invading at the time)?” I inquired.

“See if you can dig this, man. Christian, Judaic and Islamic faiths all have their ‘End of Days’ scenario that involves the emergence of a messiah and the saving of the chosen. Within all governments of all lands exists some right-wing apocalypto-philiacs who read that shit literally and would like to speed the process along. The Middle East is held together by an old band-aid and there are those on every side who would like to rip it off. They would like to fulfill whichever prophecy that would ‘Immanentize the Eschaton’. In my mumbling humble opinion, G.W.Bush would like to see the return of Jesus occur under his watch, which is why we are invading (wherever we were invading on that day) to help bring about Armageddon. Israel and Iran have their heaven on earth scenarios that certain parties within their governments would like to bring about as well. Be they Sunni, Shiite, Jew or Christian – all apocalyptics are the same – they’d love to bring about the end of the world because of their own religious fetishism.”

About the times of the End, a body of men will be raised up who will turn their attention to the prophecies, and insist upon their literal interpretation, in the midst of much clamor and opposition.

– Sir Isaac Newton

The Passing of Ariel Sharon & the Prophecy

SharonAriel Sharon is considered one of the great military heroes and statesmen of modern Israel. He strove for peace and before his 2006 stroke he was shifting the paradigm in Israel by attempting a “unilateral disengagement” of the West Bank which would allow for an independent Palestine. If his dream had become realized, it could have potentially quelled a lot of antagonism between the allies of Israel and her enemies.

This is not a preamble into a conspiracy theory, mind you. Ariel Sharon’s stroke may have been convenient for the war-hawks, but hardly required the hand of a conspirator as Ariel was not the vision of health. Once when asked why he didn’t wear a bullet proof vest against the many who had threatened to kill him, Ariel admitted there wasn’t a vest that fitted his girth. The guy liked his snacks, his booze and his cigars. A stroke for an obese man in his 70s is not an outlandish concept.

The Jewish Rabbi Yizhak

The Jewish Rabbi Yizhak

Instead of conspiracy premises, this is a story about a prophet, Yitzhak Kaduri. At 108 years old, Yitzhak predicted (months before Sharon’s stroke) the prophesized Judaic Messiah would return, but not until the death of Ariel Sharon. As any apocalyptist knows, the rise of a Messiah comes with the End of Days. Because of this, Jewish mystics and apocalyptists have been waiting for the inevitable demise of Sharon who lied is his coma state for 8 years. The spectators watched for those long years with the words of Yitzhak Kaduri weighing heavily. Would Sharon’s eventual finale be the catalyst to Immanentize the Eschaton?

Yitzhak names the Messiah in his notes...

Yitzhak names the Messiah in his notes…

“Here’s the twist, though.” Cyrus Lee Hancock explained over the phone from his Nashvillain evangelical mission. “Not only does he predict the Messiah, but this old Jew, Yitz, he says on his deathbed he knows the name of the Messiah and eventually he writes it down. This is 2006, he writes down the name of the Messiah who he says is already living in Israel and he puts it into a sealed envelope – not to be opened for a year. Who knows why? Anyway, the name of the prophet is ‘Yehoshua’ which means ‘Jesus’ to us red-blooded shellfish-eating Americans. Basically, the wisest Jew of the last millennia says the Hebrew messiah is Jesus H. Christ. Not only that, but that Jesus won’t bother coming back until this Sharon mensch Rocks the Kasbah!”

So what does this mean?

“Rapture, mon ami. J.H.C. comes down in his Christly hovercraft and raptures up the chosen few.” Cyrus Lee Hancock, Reverend of the Church of John the Revelator in Tennessee, explained. “There’s going to be plagues of locusts with scorpion stingers and frogs raining down, just an awesome shit storm. I, of course, shall remain behind after Jesus’ soul-grab. As much as it troubles me, I want to remain with the sinning heathens and try to arm them against the rise of the Anti-Christ.”

“Nice way to hedge your bets.” I noted. If Cyrus Lee Hancock did not have a ticket for Jesus’ hovercraft, he could claim it was his intent to stay behind all along. He did have the personal arsenal to keep Hell at bay.

What the “Yehoshua” revelation does mean is that the return of the messiah is not just relevant for those of the Judaic faith, but Christians as well. Would God act so ironically to send a Jewish Messiah with the same name as a previous Christian Messiah, unless, of course, they were the same dude? Who is to say? Of course, the modern day prophet Yitzhak Kaduri said the Messiah will return AFTER Sharon’s death. Well, that is anywhere from this weekend to a distant forever from now. So we are on the clock, but are End Times imminent?

I inquired Erasmus of Otterdam Military Academy if he thought Israel’s mystical right-winged war-hawks might try to use the Kaduri prophecy to initiate an attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities. He responded, “No. Israel doesn’t yet have enough Iron Dome interceptors to protect themselves against an all-out attack from both Iran and Hezbollah. They should not rush to conflict just yet.”

“It’s hard to tell how the Israelis may react to a prophecy realized.” Rufus Holdsworth told me over the phone from a location he wouldn’t disclose. “But you are missing a particular point. You are looking for reaction to prophetic visions, but you are completely ignoring the fact that the prophecy may be true. You think it is Hocus Pocus, but how would you react if it became true?”

Cynically, by default.

Victor Ulysses Neverman presents: the world’s most untimely Superbowl prediction. The appearance of this blog was not intended to be two weeks after the game. In fact, well in advance I had compiled a dazzlingly deductive-reasoned argument for one team to beat its other before I was driven underground by the alarming rants of Reverend Chette (see the “You Are Being Watched…” blog). Having now reappeared, my NeverHead poking out of my bunker like a groundhog looking for his paranoid shadow, I have learned that my football predictions are not only obsolete, but startlingly incorrect. So please, dear reader, allow me to take this opportunity to reconstruct this forecast to something more ominous than my faith in Tom Brady. Tonight I speak of Israel’s likelihood of striking Iran in the coming months.

It is of no great irony that I, Vic Neverman, do not have any rocket scientist friends. Sure, you might think someone of my mental caliber must have all sorts of Los Alamos area codes coming up on my caller ID, but it is not so. One of the reasons why I may not have any rocket scientist pals is because Israel has killed them all. NOTE: I don’t say this in spite. I am, in fact, notoriously neutral on Israel and even understanding of their eradication of rogue nuke geeks. One need only look at the news headlines “5 Russian nuclear physicists die in plane crash outside Moscow” or “North Korean nuclear reactor janitor disemboweled by pitchfork” or “unemployed Pakistani nuke warhead duster kills himself by holding a pillow over his face” to recognize this is the work of the infamous Mossad murder squads. Of course, these are headlines I just made up rather than citing legitimate articles, but similar articles can be found and they are worth reading…

It is safe to say (or would be if the Mossad wasn’t listening to everything I said) that if you are an unemployed nuke geek or if you are employed by any Iranian entity, you better be looking over your shoulder for Israeli motorcycle assassins. Hell, they may not even be on motorbike. The Mossad has a team of transvestite demolition experts infiltrating Iran according to this Samsung commercial (which is hilarious):

Even with these rogue nuke geeks dropping like radiated flies and even with the US/Israeli stuxnet virus eating away at Iranian infrastructure, Iran is getting ever closer to nuclear capability. Israel simply must attack. They have no choice.

For those of you who preceded the slack-ass millennial generation or those who have an understanding of history, you might say “the US and Russia both stockpiled nukes that were never used”. And yes, you would be correct. But Israel vs. Iran is not the same as Rocky vs. Vlad.

What is obvious is that the first mistake was settling the Israelites in Israel. If I were in those closed doored meetings post-WWII, I would have recommended sending the chosen people to Nevada. Give them the whole state north of Vegas, I would have recommended. The terrain is more forgiving and their neighbors would be fundamentalist Mormons instead of fundamentalist Muslims. Instead, the Israelites created some quasi-democratic crusader state in the Levant, much to the delight of western powers who sought a foothold in the oil rich region as well as a catalyst for reaping rewards from further bloodshed (think about it – who really won by the U.S. entering into WWII late, if not the military industrial complex?).

Let us not dwell on the past! What’s done is done and Israel remains in Palestine, where they have painted themselves into a corner and are forced to preemptively strike Iran in order to ensure their survival. Back to the argument that this is not the same as the Cold War between USA and USSR, I would like to present two reasons why this situation is different:

1 – Israel doesn’t have the Wolverines. Just ask Russia what they thought when they watched the brilliant motion picture “Red Dawn” starring Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, and C Thomas Howell as Texas high schoolers defending America from a joint Russian/Mexican/Cuban invasion. Those Commie bastards certainly were not putting “Baby into a corner”, Jennifer Grey shot a bazooka at one point. Imagine yourself as a Commie Red and read this exchange between Powers Booth and C Tom (in what was his greatest role not playing volleyball or pretending to be African American in order to get into Harvard)…
Powers: All that hate’s gonna burn you up, kid
Howell: It keeps me warm at night
Gives me chills every time.

2 – Israel lacks a retaliatory threat. This sort of talk is where Vic Neverman earns the big bucks folks. Back in the Cold War, if the USSR nuked the USA, there were seven seas of nuke subs ready to nuke the Soviets right back. And Vice Versa – the US could have blown away every key commie city, but the nuclear retaliation would have still wiped North America off the map. Israel does not have a submarine fleet. Israel is a small sliver of land, any nuclear offensive would put an end to the story.

So you see, this is not a chess match. Israel can’t think a couple moves ahead because allowing just one move by a nuclear Iran means annihilation. If you are a betting man, put your money on an Israeli strike on Iran. Not nuclear, just tactical airstrikes meant to disable Iranian nuclear capability. The United States will be forced out of the conflict by those assholes in Moscow and Beijing who don’t want American interference but do benefit from their “pal” Iran being under attack and requiring missile defense systems on the cheap. Fortunately, for Israel, they should be able to handle this on their own as long as Iraq is in chaos and Iraqi airspace is open. We, being the US, should be happy to stay clear and keep our hands clean. Israel has no other option, but we do.

Strangely, this entire argument greatly resembles my thoughts on why the Patriots would be the Giants.


Neverella and his Fairy Mossad-Mother

January 1st, 2012, I receive a random email from an entity I will only refer to as “DxM”.

Happy New Year Neverman. (DxM) from Israel.

It had been nearly two years since my last cryptic exchange with the Israeli, a man whom I have never met in the flesh, yet a man who has dramatically altered my course of history before vanishing back into the ether of cyber anonymity. Was this most recent message a simple friendly greeting from one wayward traveler to another? Or is my Israeli guardian angel back… and hovering, waiting; a watchman?

The story is not a simple one. February of 2010 found me, Vic Neverman, in old Sai Gon in the days leading up to the Tet New Year celebration. Apparently, this DxM character was also present. Two foreigners: one frantic, the other composed. I had been the victim of a criminal enterprise and found myself without papers. I could not get a hotel room, let alone leave the country. The American consulate was about to close for the week long holiday, leaving me on the brink of being stranded. Airlines were completely booked due to the coming Year of the Tiger and my only course of travel lied in alternative method (smuggling myself aboard a commercial ship to the Philippines, at the risk of piracy, or attempting a westward plot towards India where I would find a flight home, but this came at the risk of crossing Myanmar (or whatever the Burmese junta called itself those days)), yet such travel still depended on my finding a passport of some sort in order to return home. With an absent American presence at the Consulate and the uncooperative Vietnamese police, the straights were dire for Vic. As the disadvantaged is prone to do in desperate situations, I went underground. The police may have been verbally abusive to my Vietnamese translator, but certain members of the police force did agree to an unofficial business proposition. I still had a means to cash and I was willing to pay out $200 for the return of my passport or anything close enough to it. I wasn’t dealing with the fairest of individuals, but as I mentioned, desperation had set in.

As I waited for my bribes to pay off, I brought my case to the American Consulate in the waning hours before they closed up for the week. I had a slim hope they might be able to renew my passport in half a day’s time. They managed to do much better. I was presented with an American statesman whose smirk and slight shake of head wasn’t as disapproving as it was… baffled. “You are Victor Ulysses Neverman? We weren’t sure how to find you.” He then handed over the entire cache of my stolen goods. He smiled, “This has never happened before.” What once was gone, now was found: the Neverman passport, a Vietnamese visa, $600 in cash and there was a note, reading “happy new year” with an obscure email address listed.

The email address would bring me to DxM. This unlikely happy ending is why I refer to this character as DxM, for being my Deus ex Machina*.

*Deus ex Machina is a Latin reference referring to a ridiculous plot twist where a fictional character is suddenly saved by a “god” coming “out of the machine”.

DxM claimed to be Israeli and a simple traveler who had come into possession my materials. Strangest of happenstance… But how could he have been in any position to rescue my passport at the scene of the crime without my knowledge of such an operation? Is it mere coincidence, a serendipitous blessing from the universe, that allowed this angelic presence to intervene on my behalf?

If you know anything about Neverman, you know I do not believe in coincidences. Was DxM Israeli? Sure. But a random wanderer in the right place at the right time? I think not. DxM was following me. For someone not asiatic and of medium height (an assumption) to be following an already paranoid Vic Neverman without my awareness would require a healthy amount of professional training. Understand this, dear intrepid reader, the crime occurred at Saigon’s flower festival where one might find themselves surrounded by tens of thousands of bodies, all moving in a chaotic dissonance – a colossal cluster of humanity – yet, these bodies are almost entirely under 5′ of height and Vietnamese. It is like wading into a flowing river up to your chest. For DxM to be hovering over my shoulder unnoticed would take some special skill. A skill inherited via training as a Mossad agent? Most likely.

We can all agree what is obvious: the Israelis were following me. Whether they played savior or they staged the entire criminal enterprise themselves, this much is uncertain and less relevant. The question that perplexes me is why were they following me? Certainly, if my own native government wanted to keep tabs on me, they would have just as many agents in the field as the Israelis – at least on this stage of Southeast Asia – so there would be no need for an espionage favor-giving between CIA and Mossad here.

Why was the Mossad following me in Vietnam and what does it mean that DxM has re-emerged from the shadows now, nearly two years later?

Neverman’s Stance on Middle Eastern Affairs

I am not shy about being a Turko-phile. The Neverman ancestral lands were pillaged and plundered by the Ottomans enough through history that it is no accident Vic possesses many Turkish traits: similar physical features as well as a fondness for mustaches and meat grilled with charcoal. In fact, prior to spending the new year in Southeast Asia, I was in Istanbul trying to root through international intrigue there, uncovering the ruling Islamic party’s secret military agreement with China (visit other Vic travelogues for more on this).

The Middle East has three cornerstones of influence from Islamic governments and I have gone on the record as far as calling them “the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly”. The “Good” is in reference to Turkey, whose been a long time ally and is the gateway between Europe, Persia and the Levant. The “Bad” is Iran, whose people are wonderful, but whose government is run by radical lunatics. The “Ugly” is the Saudi Royal Family, another American ally who is only pretty on the surface and very ugly underneath (you’re likely familiar by now of my accusing the princes of Saud of indirectly financing 9/11 through protection payments to al Qaeda).

As a self-professed Turko-phile, this does put me at some odds with Israel. While the American government certainly considers both nations as allies, the relationship between the two states of Israel and Turkey has soured since the Islamists have taken over Ankara (the capital of Turkey) from the traditional secular political parties (who’ve ruled since Ataturk’s nationalist movement immediately after the Great War). Just look at Ankara’s support of the Pro-Palestine flotillas bringing aid to the West Bank in recent years.

American foreign policy with Israel certainly seems paramount in contemporary politics and while I, Vic Neverman, am not against the Israelis, I am concerned with how much American support they receive. If you listen to GOP candidates, like Newt Gringrich and Rick Santorum, Palestine doesn’t exist and neither does it’s people so rah-rah Israel. Well, if the Palestinian people are ruled as Israelis and are not an occupied prison camp, why do they not have representation in Tel Aviv? Ye gods! Can the beacon of democracy in the Middle East (or so the diplomats call Israel) not allow a Palestinian vote?

I also find it disturbing how supportive Gringrich and Santorum are behind an Israeli pre-emptive strike on Iran. Shouldn’t we be discouraging Israel from initiating such an attack rather than standing in line behind them? Haven’t we gotten ourselves in enough trouble charging into Mesopotamia and beyond for one century? Yes, we should defend Israel from Iran, but we should not be encouraging them to start a fight that will certainly end badly.

So sure… DxM and his Mossad overlords probably are not the biggest fans of my drunken blog rants, but am I this deserving of such close attention?

Happy New Year, DxM, wherever you may be lurking…