Posts Tagged ‘Iran’

The FSB (the secret police formerly known as the KGB) is busy preparing for the Sochi Olympics where they hope to strategically pair at least 4 militarized cops for every suicide bomber emerging from the Caucasus woodshed like drunken uncles with roman candles on prom night. Sochi is the summer paradise of Soviet bureaucracy, where the Bolsheviks would recuperate along the caviar-enriched beaches of the Black Sea. Now those Cold War summer homes are the site of the Winter Games and they happen to be in spitting distance of bullied Georgia and embattled Chechnya. Ill tidings await NBC and the rest of the world. But what of… beyond?

My numerologist said 2013 would be a year of forced confessions. We’ve learned much about Tiger Woods and the NSA in that time span all thanks to Edward Snowden (the mystery driver of Tiger’s Escalade and the Benedict who stole the secrets of the “No Such Agency”). Now Snowden is hanging out in Moscow within the grip of Vlad Putin, the latest tyrannical star of Russia’s Cult of Personality (following in the footsteps of Lenin, Stalin and Little Niki Kruschev), which means Putin’s KGB chums have in their hands the complete batch of stolen American secrets. While Western media outlets have slowly divulged the secrets provided to them, what spicy details might be released from Russia’s corruptible spies?

News of America being puppeteered by pale and lanky aliens! That’s what.

Iranian News Agency FARS is propagandizing this image to its people

Iranian News Agency FARS is propagandizing this image to its people

According to Iran’s Fars News Agency, (DON’T CLICK THIS LINK UNLESS YOU WANT THE NSA TO KNOW YOU CLICK LINKS TO IRANIAN NEWS AGENCIES) Snowden Documents Proving “US-Alien-Hitler” Link Stun Russia.

So dig this baby – not only does Iranian media say Snowden has evidence Obama is the puppet under the control of “Tall White” aliens who once backed Hitler, but the former Canadian Minister of Defense Paul Hellyer agreed in his interview on Russian TV this month. Hellyer’s “Tall White” aliens operate out of Nevada with America’s Air Force and they go on shopping sprees to Vegas dressed as nuns.

But back to the Iranian 4th Estate…

Snowden’s apparent “leaks” speak of alien-inspired submarines in the 1930s to help the Nazi cause. In 1954, United States President and hero of the sequel to the first Great War, Ike Eisenhower met with “Tall White” Nordic aliens and agreed to create a “secret regime” which still rules American politics.

And you – dear reader – laughed when I spoke of writing underground. This shit is paranoia-inducing, unless of course you are paranoid already and expecting such rando-insaneness. The Wash-Po and Forbes have already read through these strange musings and call them propaganda to paint Americans as other-worldly evil to the people of Iran, who happen to be closing in on being nuke-capable.

Before I close out this post, I did want to provide some background into the “Tall White” theory. Below is a transcript from the beginnings of the Russia Today interview with the former Canadian Defense Minister:

Sophie Shevardnadze: Our guest today is the Honorable Paul Hellyer, former minister of Defense of Canada, and he believes that life forms from space are present on Earth. It’s great to have you on our show. Why do you say that UFOs are as real as airplanes flying over our heads?

Hellyer? Hell Yeah!

Hellyer? Hell Yeah!

Paul Hellyer: Because I know that they are. As a matter of fact, they’ve been visiting our planet for thousands of years and one of the cases that would interest you most if you give me two or three minutes to answer is that during the Cold War, 1961, there were about 50 UFOs in formation flying south from Russia across Europe, and Supreme Allied Command was very concerned and about ready to press the ‘Panic’ button when they turned around and went back over the North Pole. They decided to do an investigation and they investigated for 3 years and they decided that, with absolute certainty, four species – at least – had been visiting this planet for thousands of years. We have a long history of UFOs and of course there has been a lot more activity in the last few decades, since we invented the atomic bomb and they are very concerned about that and the fact that we might use it again, and because the Cosmos is a unity and it affects not just us but other people in the Cosmos, they are very much afraid that we might be stupid enough to start using atomic weapons again, and this would be very bad for us and for them as well.


Victor Ulysses Neverman presents: the world’s most untimely Superbowl prediction. The appearance of this blog was not intended to be two weeks after the game. In fact, well in advance I had compiled a dazzlingly deductive-reasoned argument for one team to beat its other before I was driven underground by the alarming rants of Reverend Chette (see the “You Are Being Watched…” blog). Having now reappeared, my NeverHead poking out of my bunker like a groundhog looking for his paranoid shadow, I have learned that my football predictions are not only obsolete, but startlingly incorrect. So please, dear reader, allow me to take this opportunity to reconstruct this forecast to something more ominous than my faith in Tom Brady. Tonight I speak of Israel’s likelihood of striking Iran in the coming months.

It is of no great irony that I, Vic Neverman, do not have any rocket scientist friends. Sure, you might think someone of my mental caliber must have all sorts of Los Alamos area codes coming up on my caller ID, but it is not so. One of the reasons why I may not have any rocket scientist pals is because Israel has killed them all. NOTE: I don’t say this in spite. I am, in fact, notoriously neutral on Israel and even understanding of their eradication of rogue nuke geeks. One need only look at the news headlines “5 Russian nuclear physicists die in plane crash outside Moscow” or “North Korean nuclear reactor janitor disemboweled by pitchfork” or “unemployed Pakistani nuke warhead duster kills himself by holding a pillow over his face” to recognize this is the work of the infamous Mossad murder squads. Of course, these are headlines I just made up rather than citing legitimate articles, but similar articles can be found and they are worth reading…

It is safe to say (or would be if the Mossad wasn’t listening to everything I said) that if you are an unemployed nuke geek or if you are employed by any Iranian entity, you better be looking over your shoulder for Israeli motorcycle assassins. Hell, they may not even be on motorbike. The Mossad has a team of transvestite demolition experts infiltrating Iran according to this Samsung commercial (which is hilarious):

Even with these rogue nuke geeks dropping like radiated flies and even with the US/Israeli stuxnet virus eating away at Iranian infrastructure, Iran is getting ever closer to nuclear capability. Israel simply must attack. They have no choice.

For those of you who preceded the slack-ass millennial generation or those who have an understanding of history, you might say “the US and Russia both stockpiled nukes that were never used”. And yes, you would be correct. But Israel vs. Iran is not the same as Rocky vs. Vlad.

What is obvious is that the first mistake was settling the Israelites in Israel. If I were in those closed doored meetings post-WWII, I would have recommended sending the chosen people to Nevada. Give them the whole state north of Vegas, I would have recommended. The terrain is more forgiving and their neighbors would be fundamentalist Mormons instead of fundamentalist Muslims. Instead, the Israelites created some quasi-democratic crusader state in the Levant, much to the delight of western powers who sought a foothold in the oil rich region as well as a catalyst for reaping rewards from further bloodshed (think about it – who really won by the U.S. entering into WWII late, if not the military industrial complex?).

Let us not dwell on the past! What’s done is done and Israel remains in Palestine, where they have painted themselves into a corner and are forced to preemptively strike Iran in order to ensure their survival. Back to the argument that this is not the same as the Cold War between USA and USSR, I would like to present two reasons why this situation is different:

1 – Israel doesn’t have the Wolverines. Just ask Russia what they thought when they watched the brilliant motion picture “Red Dawn” starring Patrick Swayze, Jennifer Grey, and C Thomas Howell as Texas high schoolers defending America from a joint Russian/Mexican/Cuban invasion. Those Commie bastards certainly were not putting “Baby into a corner”, Jennifer Grey shot a bazooka at one point. Imagine yourself as a Commie Red and read this exchange between Powers Booth and C Tom (in what was his greatest role not playing volleyball or pretending to be African American in order to get into Harvard)…
Powers: All that hate’s gonna burn you up, kid
Howell: It keeps me warm at night
Gives me chills every time.

2 – Israel lacks a retaliatory threat. This sort of talk is where Vic Neverman earns the big bucks folks. Back in the Cold War, if the USSR nuked the USA, there were seven seas of nuke subs ready to nuke the Soviets right back. And Vice Versa – the US could have blown away every key commie city, but the nuclear retaliation would have still wiped North America off the map. Israel does not have a submarine fleet. Israel is a small sliver of land, any nuclear offensive would put an end to the story.

So you see, this is not a chess match. Israel can’t think a couple moves ahead because allowing just one move by a nuclear Iran means annihilation. If you are a betting man, put your money on an Israeli strike on Iran. Not nuclear, just tactical airstrikes meant to disable Iranian nuclear capability. The United States will be forced out of the conflict by those assholes in Moscow and Beijing who don’t want American interference but do benefit from their “pal” Iran being under attack and requiring missile defense systems on the cheap. Fortunately, for Israel, they should be able to handle this on their own as long as Iraq is in chaos and Iraqi airspace is open. We, being the US, should be happy to stay clear and keep our hands clean. Israel has no other option, but we do.

Strangely, this entire argument greatly resembles my thoughts on why the Patriots would be the Giants.