Archive for the ‘Quincunx of Calamity’ Category

Greetings Traveler.

an ale of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

an ale of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy

If you are like me, you are wearing two-socks, feeling Autumnal and writing a blog post from the basement of the Tipsy’s Liquor World in Under Mountains, Colorado (pop. 2,419, give or take a Vic Neverman or 2). As I casually scan my frigid surroundings, I find I am dreadfully alone. Just me, a Led Zeppelin bootleg (of a bootleg of a Cadillac commercial playing Led Zeppelin) and the skull-eyed glance of a beer label hugging a pessimistically half-emptied bottle of ale. Given such personal isolation, I trust you are, indeed, not like me in which case you probably didn’t see this coming: the Quincunx of Calamity (amity, amity, amity…)!

Herein to be read at your own peril are five mysterious conspiracies and cover-ups that should be in today’s headlines. Well… at least four of the topics should be digested, the fifth is just for good measure and because “quatcunx” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as quincunx.

 Imprisoned Pussy Riot front woman has disappeared in Russian Prison System

 As Vlad Putin peacocks about his Sochi Olympic city that crept overnight out of the Black Sea like a beached Kraken diseased on corn syrup, one of his most impassioned antagonists has gone missing. In 2012, the chick band Pussy Riot stirred a commotion with their “Punk Prayer” at a Moscow Orthodox Church where they screamed for the Virgin Mary to rid Russia of Putin. Despite protests from the music community, Vlad at the bequest of the Orthodox Church imprisoned three of the key members of Pussy Riot.

Punk Prayer at Christ the Savior Cathedral, "Hail Mary! Expel Putin!"

Punk Prayer at Christ the Savior Cathedral, “Hail Mary! Expel Putin!”

Nadya Tolokonnikova is one of the most outspoken members of Pussy Riot. In protest of the slave camp conditions she has endured in the woman’s prison in Mordovia, Nadya went on a hunger strike. On October 21st she was moved, but no one knows where to. Her family (she is married and has a child) has no idea where she is. She is likely headed towards a Siberian gulag… at best. At worst, Vlad used her for crossbow practice or sold her off to be a part of some Sheik’s harem. This is the Russian totalitarian regime at its worst.

Click here to sign the petition (futile it may be) for Putin to provide answers to the whereabouts and well-being of the political prisoner.

Monsanto has killed the Honey Bees (Colony Collapse Disorder)

The bees are dying and I blame Monsanto. Perhaps you do not care much for jars of honey. Do you like almonds? 80% of the world’s almonds are grown in California, but after the great die-off, it would take 60% of the surviving bees in the United States to pollinate that crop alone. Whether you’re watching the prices for almonds, avocados or blueberries, the increase in cost is largely due to a mass die-off of bees.

“Monsanto is the devil.” An industry insider once told me as he drove me through Milwaukee. That was back in the good old days; recently, the same insider explained what scientists are not saying, “Monsanto tests these pesticides to gauge the environmental impact before releasing into the market. What they do not test for is what if we spray Agent Orange one year and then Agent Pink the next… it is the mixture of different pesticides that is creating a toxic environment that honey bees, let alone other organisms, cannot subsist in.” The honey bees have been dying off for years now and yet this has been highly overlooked by mass media. Why? Monsanto is a multinational corporation that bullies governments smaller than them and has their own puppet strings in the fourth estate. Monsanto is out to own all the food on earth by pushing their genetically modified seeds that are resistant to non-Monsanto pesticides. What is next for them? Either they create a crop-dust that can pollinate almonds or they start genetically modifying bees. Or they just let half of the world starve. Fucking dicks.

British Spy Found Dead and Locked in Zipped Bag, Officially Called Self-Inflicted “Accident”

In 2010, MI6 communications officer (code breaker) Gareth Williams was found dead in his English apartment. Not just dead, but dead and naked in a gym bag tossed in his bathtub that had been zipped up and locked. Think about this: he is in a zipped-up gym bag locked with a padlock. The coroner’s findings were that it was highly likely that something unlawful occurred. Yeah… No shit, Sherlock.

Yet the investigation was closed this week after it could not be absolutely determined that Gareth could not have padlocked himself into a zipped-up gym bag. Officially, it is an accident. I call bullshit. What the Brits are covering up in the death of one of their spies, I have no idea.

Who killed Arafat? Vlad “the Paler” Putin, that’s who

Yasser Arafat was a leader of the Palestinian people who won the Noble Peace Prize in 1994 for his efforts with the Oslo Accords to bring a calming peace to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Despite his efforts to make peace, undercurrents persist that it was the Israelis that killed Arafat in 2004 rather than a stroke from a blood disorder. This week, Palestinian Authority minister Habbash compared the assassination of Arafat to the poisoning of Prophet Muhammad’s meat by the Jews (Islamic hadith recalls theories on the death of the prophet). This was prompted by Al Jazeera’s report this week about a Swiss team of forensic scientists finding high traces of Polonium-210 in Arafat’s body.

Goodness me, could this be? Arafat’s widow certainly thinks so. But why would Israel want to extinguish the only person on the Palestine side of the fence that would compromise with them? The Palestinian prejudice against Israel is blinding them here. All they need to do is follow the stench of money. There is a team that contradicts the Swiss findings (right or not) and ironically, this is a team of Russian scientists. According to the BBC, the Russians found no polonium poisoning in Arafat.

Vlad Putin, Asshole Extraordinaire

Vlad Putin, Asshole Extraordinaire

“Where is the irony?” you might ask. Russia is a mafia state run by arms dealers with as much to lose in a peaceful Middle East as anybody (including us, U.S., the militarized states of America and our Military Industrial Complex). Curiously, Russia’s latest modus operandi in assassinations is death by radioactive poisoning. Just ask Alexander Litvinenko, the ex-KGB agent who found asylum in England and wrote books about false flag terrorism bringing Vladimir Putin into a position of power. In 2006, Litvinenko died from polonium induced acute radiation syndrome. Oh… just BTW, it was polonium-210.

Dolphin Bullying Frenzy may have Occurred in Media-Chummed Waters

Certainly, the reaction to the bullying allegations of Miami Dolphin Richie Incognito was overzealous. FACT: Incognito is a bully, he represents the dregs of humanity, but such dregs make for good football players. Sport economics provide thugs like Incognito with work. FACT: The sports organization put Incognito into a position of authority, which obviously shows the ineptitude of the Miami Dolphins organization. Bullies exist, bullies given leadership positions should not.

Here is a lesser-known FACT: the threatening phone conversation we’ve seen transcribed was missing an elemental send-off at the end. I shall paraphrase it here with the omitted closing underlined, “hey half-N piece of shit, I will shit in your mouth, slap your real mom, I will kill you, haha call me back.” The media feeds us a vile death threat out of context. In full context, the voicemail is still inappropriate, yet is more understandable as an exaggerated attempt at satiric correspondence. ESPN and the rest of sports media omitted the closing because “call me back” downplays the severity of the preceding comments. FACT: the Media used addition by subtraction (omission) to spin this story out of control.

It is too early to judge Incognito or Martin, but the organization and the media are certainly wrong in their actions. It is time for a sheriff to come in and clean up Miami. Enter Don Shula. In an effort to appease Dolphin fans nostalgic for the glorious 80s, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross has asked Don Shula and his team of Hall of Famers to form a commission to look into these locker room mishaps. This was the first good news I have heard since this locker room scandal was announced. Bring in Don “the Don” Shula. It is time for some accountability.

Shit is about to get REAL

Shit is about to get REAL


Quincunx: arrangement of five objects in a square or rectangle, one at each corner and one in the middle.

Calamity: n pl. a disaster or misfortune, esp one causing extreme havoc, intestinal distress, or acid reflux

Quincunx of Calamity: n. paranoid doggerel portraying four unsavory foreign current events from a fifth perspective under a rock somewhere.

With Labor Day closing in, I have adorned myself in my favorite white linen suit despite how stained with spilt gin and spat sin these lapels may be. Outside my tree fort, a quickening into chaos has begun as the last threads of this civilization are becoming unraveled faster than bootlaces at a foot fetishist’s pleasure palace. My lone comfort, beyond the linen suit, is that this long cruel summer is at a close. Sunburnt from women’s scorn and mildly delirious from dehydration I may be; but be I still am, which is better than to not be (this is the unspilt gin speaking).

So, farewell and good riddance Summer of 2013.

Within the sticky dew of the dawning Fall emerges a fresh football season like a wobbly fawn still finding its balance. As the gladiators suit up and take the field, the hysterical mob finally has a distraction away from the dour circumstances of the world at large. At the risk of being a killjoy during such fanfare, I wish to present my Quincunx of Calamity: four international storylines of import as well as a fifth note from my perspective as central observer.

1 – Syria: if all else fails, start dropping bombs

Fans in Oregon take to the streets to show support

Fans in Oregon take to the streets to show support

Thanks to offseason football storylines, when the common contemporary American male hears the name “Syria” they first think of this country as the origin of the Manziel Family, which begot Heisman Trophy winner Johnny “Football” Manziel. Of course, while American headlines followed the summer antics of the much publicized 20 year-old quarterback, Syria has been a hotbed of civil strife as the Assad Regime and their opposition practice ritual massacre against each other and all those in between. Most recently, the Syrian powers-that-still-be used chemical warfare, crossing the line President Obama drew in the desert sands and calling his bluff. Now, America is drawn to military conflict, but to what purpose? Obama and the supportive UN do not seek to undermine the Assad Regime, only to punish it in order to deter the powers-that-still-be from continuing their use of sarin gas upon its people.

Pre-game antics incorporate the public's growing distaste for the Assad Regime

Pre-game antics incorporate the public’s growing distaste for the Assad Regime

We cannot overthrow Assad because such an action could reduce Syria into a state of tribal warfare like Iraq or a continued civil conflict between moderates and extremists, like Egypt. So what is there possibly to gain by attacking? Justice, perhaps. The perception of Obama’s pride and power would be preserved. But at what consequences? Continued chaos in Syria, an upset Russia and an upset Iran, prompting retribution against Israel which will prompt the Four Horsemen to descend upon Megiddo.

There is no clear way out, only further entanglements and escalating war. If this were a chess match, both sides would call a draw, tip the board over to scatter the pieces and then fall into a deep melancholic vodka-themed drunk.

2 – North Korea: Death to the Porn Queens

LSU fans accept the inevitability of strikes on Syria

LSU fans accept the inevitability of strikes on Syria

In America, land of the free, we raise our child celebrities into twerking trollops, allowing them to parade around unpunished as they take liberty with any preconceived notions of decency. Such child-stars turned-voyeurs, like Miley Cyrus, Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes would do well to look east at the latest events in North Korea. Hyon Song-wol, a popular songstress for the state-run Unhasa Orchestra, was executed this last week along with 11 others after they were accused of selling a sex-tape. Not only was Hyon Song-wol (allegedly a former girlfriend of Ultimate Leader Kim Jong un) executed before a firing squad, her family was forced to watch before they themselves were shipped off to prison camp.

3 – Russia: Bigotry, Corruption and the Winter Olympics

In Central Florida, principles are mixed, but decidedly pro-booze and anti-Putin

In Central Florida, principles are mixed, but decidedly pro-booze and anti-Putin

Don’t fret the eventual close of this pending football season. Soon after will be the Winter Olympics of 2014, broadcasted to you live or tape-delayed on 54 different channels from the summer destination city of Sochi. How Russia convinced the Olympic Committee to allow them to host the Olympics from a Black Sea beach town is easy to explain: bribery and extortion, two of Russia’s finest exports. The amount of money Russia is squeezing out of its people by borrowing from oil barons to pay land developers to create a winter-scape in Sochi will no doubt inspire American entrepreneurs to advocate Las Vegas as a candidate for the 2026 Winter Olympics.

The worst aspect of the coming Olympics is Vladimir Putin’s threats about arresting any homosexual athletes or attendees if such persons demonstrate any signs of homosexuality. Of course, the Olympic Committee sits by idly as these threats are made, twiddling their thumbs and shrugging, “hey, at least we aren’t the committee that allowed Hitler to host the Olympic Games.” There will be protests and there will be arrests and it will get ugly.

4 – Brazil: Pacifying the Streets for World Cup and Olympics

Rio de Janeiro is an obvious location for the 2014 World Cup and not a bad idea for the 2016 Summer Olympics. Of course, one thing stands in the way of Rio being the sports ideal: the abject poverty, crime and murder in the favelas – the shanty towns along the outskirts of the city. In preparation of hosting two of the biggest sports parties of all time in 2014 and 2016, the military/police have begun a form of class warfare by indiscriminately purging the streets of low caste criminals through a process they call “Pacification”. In many places, the locals of these favelas prefer the rule of the street corner drug kingpin over the new pacification teams that have replaced them. As more inhabitants of these slums are removed, real estate investors are buying up property and raising taxes, driving even more residents further from the city.

5 – From Bayou St Bas Trailer Park, Neverman waits out the End

It appears that this whole Maya Apocalypse is a little overrated. Nine months into 2013 and the world still seems to be desperately hanging on despite all the dire 2012 prophecies. Probably a good thing as my supply of canned beans, preserved fruit and pickled ham are running low. The raccoons and feral children outside my abode do not leave much behind for me to forage, so it looks as though I might have to rejoin society and get a job.

At least I will have plenty of good clean sport to immerse myself within on the weekends.