Archive for the ‘Neverman How To’ Category

Summer is the season when the closest star to Earth takes a shine to one respective half of the planet. For those people in the applicable hemisphere, who endearingly call this close star “the Sun” in the haphazard manner Earth people endear themselves to anything which burns, the temperature is increased due to the proximity of “the Sun”. This seasonal summer heat promotes madness in all mammals and increases the spread of dirty little things like bacteria and mosquito. How did our ancestors ever survive this heated season prior to the invention of Air Conditioning? Good question, dear reader. The answer is: Summertime Cocktails.

Allow me to elaborate…

A Cure for Lycanthropy

“I just can’t be with someone who I am not sure who they are from one moment to the next.” She told me, her tiger claws still clutching the beating heart she ripped out through my ass. It was my mistake. It was a season of the summer variety and I had been living in the jungles of the Amazon when I fell into the tiger trap belonging to this Peace Corps Volunteer. But she had a point! I was at the time suffering from MPLS aka Multiple Personality Lycanthrope Syndrome. Not only was I delusional in thinking I was gradually becoming a wolf, I was also confused on which werewolf I was shifting into. One moment I was a hairy-faced Provençal boy of the Napoleonic Period, the next I was a hunch-backed grandmother stalking rabbits along Wisconsin’s Bray Road. Clearly the jungle had muddied my sense of self.

I returned from South America to Florida requiring a close shave and a chemical bath to distance myself from a louse epidemic. It was in Orlando where I renewed my acquaintance with Doc Kelly, a local snake-oil salesman whose notoriety in elixirs and ointments made him the crown prince in hair-growth tonics and libido-enhancers. Fearing my Lycanthropy might endanger further romantic endeavors, I consulted Doc on the matter. He prescribed a cocktail which not only ridded me of my wolf-warging dreams, but cleared up a rash I had had since the Peace Corps conflagration.

The cocktail was a simple one, as Doc explained, “Lycanthropy is often a byproduct of the human psyche desiring a return to nature. In your case, you were likely getting nature overload by living in the Amazon. You basically felt yourself regressing into an animal. So my Lycanthrope cocktail is meant to balance out those natural cravings. It is five parts gin, three parts Italian Bellini peach soda, a lamb’s shake of a squeezed lime, a snort of orange marmalade and a money shot of Sriracha to exorcise the nasal cavity and balance out the sweetness.”

Cure for the Common Lycanthrope

Cure for the Common Lycanthrope

A Cure for Scurvy

I entered the medicine man’s abode, finding a lone bastard child learning to become bipedal whilst her father was busy in the kitchen. What’s cooking, Doc? “A cure for scurvy” he responded. Please do explain…

The cure, as suggested by Doc, “You take a liter of Zing-Zang Bloody-Mary mix and marinade a pound of grapefruit slices along with a quart of Bermudan dark rum for good measure. Make sure it is Bermudan. Bermuda is renown as the Atlantic half-way house; if you are going to trust a rum to cure scurvy, you must trust the Bermudans who’ve been curing scurvy since the Atlantaens setup shop in whichever prehistory you want to engage.” Nevertheless? “Nevertheless, combine it with a liter of white Cuban rum and let it sit in a dark refrigerator for a week. But don’t just let it sit, pepper it with a cup of sugar every day to increase its alcohol and keep the concoction fermenting. By the end of the week, the grapefruit will have jelled into the booze and you will be able to serve this over ice.”

“So it takes a week? This is not for the ‘scurvy & in a hurry’ crowd?”

“Well, no!” Doc Kelly was appalled. “This is for those proactive enough to anticipate scurvy.”

Foot-in-Mouth Disease

Do you mean “Foot & Mouth Disease”?

“Yes, of course, that too.” Doc Kelly ensured. “Modern physicians would prescribe cold liquids and pain killers. Sounds a lot like what I would prescribe to menstrual or menopausal women: chilled vodka.”

Chiggers

Chiggers.

Chiggers. Fucking chiggers. They look like this {            } the sneaky bastards.

Doc Kelly 3I was once a child when my mother told me, “Do not pay any heed to your father’s words, dear son, for your father is afflicted with chiggers.” Little did I know. Until I knew.

“Same thing I prescribe for Fidgety Leg Syndrome.” Doc Kelly said. “The chigger parasites have already departed your body; they just left some pollution behind in their wake. The little tubes they used to suck your blood are irritating your skin and will continue to do so for the next three or fourth months.”

I was told meat-tenderizer helps eradicate the parasitic suck tubes…

“How did that work out for you?”

It didn’t.

“Then I would prescribe this: 5 fingers of gin, 3 swallows of a virgin girl’s spit (it shan’t be tainted by seed, y’know?), 3 ounces of fresh squeezed Key Lime juice, fresh basil and black sea salt, swirled around until well-mixed. Swish-swallow-repeat until fidgety leg is not so fidgety.”

My legs ain’t so fidgety. What of chiggers?

“That too.”

Fire & Ice Relationship Therapy

Doc Kelly had a faraway thousand-yard stare and I could tell he was perplexed by a lady. Indeed, he confided as much. Between he & she it was pure energetic passion one moment and distant indifference the next. Doc, a normally consistent dude, was brought to his knees, willing to offer his neck to the chopping block just to end the cycle of fire & ice. That is until he developed a charm to wear around his throat much like my Neverman neckbeard of invincibility. Doc’s charm was a simple elixir meant to paralyze the fight or flight instinct…

“Six parts Kirkland bulk vodka from Cost-Co, my own special herb-blend of galenicals, fresh-squeezed agave putty, a crushed Xanax consumed along with any meal plan from Taco-Bell. It really doesn’t matter which, just make sure there is a Yankee Candle blueberry scent aflame. The body will spend the next three days in a blissful digestive conundrum, you will not have time to think about the seductress and her fire & ice display.”

After the three days?

“If she is still there, playing her alternative hot & cold affections, just repeat part one until indifference sets in.”

Doc Kelly, in house physician at the Copper Rocket

Doc Kelly, in house physician at the Copper Rocket

Bronyism and Coulrophobia

“I hypothesize,” hypothesized Doc Kelly, “Broynism and Coulrophobia both result from a disruptions in the womb pre-birth.”

Broynism, of course, is the male obsession with the MATTEL toy figurines My Little Pony.

Coulrophobia is a fear of clowns.

While the former occurs in 1 out of every 80 American men, the latter occurs in 80 out of every one man. Perhaps my maths is wrong; nevertheless there is a societal problem when 1 out of every 80 dudes is fixated on My Little Pony. The fact that the cure is so readily available and suggested for clown-haters leads one to believe this is a copacetic universe after all.

The solution is simple: recreate the womb experience, just in a more pleasurable manner.

“If you do not have a hyperbolic chamber available, just find a Jacuzzi, a snorkel and an underwater radio to play human heart rhythms.” Doc Kelly suggested. “Before you take the dip, be sure to drink a cocktail made of six parts Kirkland bulk vodka from Cost-Co, my own special herb-blend of galenicals, fresh-squeezed agave putty, a crushed Xanax consumed along with any meal plan from Taco-Bell.”

Keep dipping into the hot-tub until cured.

Cure for Pareidoila

Pareidoila is the delusional reaction of finding meaning where there is none. It is a common feature in paranoiacs who tend to draw their own constellations of the stars based on their preset fears and anxieties. What was once Gemini is now Cerberus 3-headed-hound o’ Hell. What were formerly Mars abnormalities is now a face of a forgotten god. What was formerly a burnt piece of toast is now the face of Christ.

Fortunately, Doc Kelly had a cure for me, a cure for all paranoiacs….

“Fermented cabbage juice is easy enough to find at German restaurants. Just ask for their sauerkraut runoff. Or go to a Korean restaurant and ask for their kim-chi drippings. Then you just need 3 ounces of raw ginger to be taken rectally.”

“Rectally?”

“Have you ever chewed on raw ginger?” Doc asked. “I didn’t think so. A slice of SPAM muddled with mint, half a cup of fish oil and three ounces of unfiltered tap-water. Most importantly, we need three tablespoons of ‘white Sazon’.”

What was white Sazon?

“It’s like regular Sazon, just crystal white. It is a mystical spice in the Caribbean.”

Of course.

“Mix it all together and let it sit until you see a Moonbow.”

A moonbow? Yes, of course a moonbow. It is like a rainbow but occurs when the moon’s light reflects off the atmosphere in such a way that it creates a strange bow of light. Pretty much something you and I have never seen. And this white Sazon-flavored SPAM must be consumed during a moonbow in order to cure my paranoia?

“Ideally, yes.” Doc Kelly shrugged. “Otherwise, there is Xanax and Ambien.”

Doc Kelly & Vic Neverman searching for the elusive and mystical 'White Sazon' in Ybor City...

Doc Kelly & Vic Neverman searching for the elusive and mystical ‘White Sazon’ in Ybor City…

Encountering your double can be a harrowing event

Encountering your double can be a harrowing event

Encountering your exact double can be a harrowing event. Whether your Doppelgänger is a flesh & blood equal, a factory-produced cyborg or some sort of astral projection acting as a harbinger of death, meeting with your double can be debilitating, let alone frightening. How would you react if you encountered a replica you in line at the DMV or coming out of the massage parlor? Shock, violence, affection? Even more importantly – how would you react to their reaction of seeing & realizing you? No one can be sure how the hypotheticals would play out, but this lack of foresight shan’t prevent anyone from preparing for such an existential crisis. Preparation is where I, Vic Neverman, may be of assistance. Living something of a duplicitous life, I have turned myself inside-out enough times I once woke from a night of drinking to find my liver in a coat pocket. Years ago, I witnessed my Trippelgänger pissing on the 3rd rail from a North Chicago elevated train platform and, despite popular opinion, the dude was not electrocuted as a result. My years of experience in these strange matters grant me the knowledge to guide You, dear reader, on how to not just protect your Self, but preserve your sense of self, when confronted with the existence of Another You.

Running into your own doppelganger is more than a simple case of déjà vu and may require a complex series of social interactions I like to call ‘Shadow Dancing’. The Shadow Dance begins with Identification – are you certain this is your double? The second stage is Reaction – what are the social protocols involved when confronting your other? The final stage, if needed, is Subjugation – if you determine you cannot coexist with your double, how do you contain or exterminate someone who might have the same subjugation in mind for you?

Do it light, taking me through the night
Shadow dancing, baby you do it right
Give me more, drag me across the floor
Shadow dancing, all this and nothing more

– Andy “the other” Gibb

Shadow Dancing: How to Properly Handle an Encounter with your Doppelgänger

IDENTIFICATION

IMG_1418Are you sure it is You you are looking at? Head-Shrinkers describe a Syndrome of Subjective Doubles, which occurs in schizophrenics and/or anyone ingesting hallucinogens. Let’s be honest, if you are reading my blog, chances are you fit into this category one way or another. Syndrome of Subject Doubles means it is possible the likeness you are encountering is a figment of your imagination being transferred onto the face of another. Basically, your perception skills a little sketchy. Given this likelihood when encountering doppelgangers, I recommend applying the Neverman Rule of Paranoia: is it safer to be paranoid when there is no danger or aloof when there is danger? In the case of Doppelgangry, we cannot assume your duplicate represents danger… yet. Duplication does not always add up to a negative, so I urge skepticism when considering similarities perceived in this Other. Do not act violently when encountering your double because the problem may be you, not them.

How to determine if this person really is your double?

  1. How does the doppelganger react to encountering you? Do they appear quizzical at your existence? Remember – you might actually be their uninvited Doppelganger. This happened to me once at a potluck in Oregon and it was quite embarrassing.
  2. How are others in the room reacting? Are they laughing with irony as they point, look at the twins!? Are there pets in the room, belonging to you or the Other, which are whimpering in confusion? Is there an off-spring of your double who is attempting to suckle at your teat? If yes to any of the above, then you are not hallucinating – you are faced with a double.
  3. Are you in Ybor City? For my experience, doppelgangry runs ramped in this West Florida community. Same too with Vancouver, with the difference being doppelgangers in British Columbia wear mullets.
  4. Subtly check for distinguishing birthmarks or tattoos. Is there anything that matches your own trademarks? If it comes off when you rub it with a little spit, then chances are this person is an imposter, not a doppelganger. Remember –act subtly.
  5. When engaging your double in conversation, do not try to quiz it on life questions. Note: doppelgangers may not share your life history. Your face, name, personality and goat-like reflexes might all be the same, sure… but their life experience may be some laboratory until this night in question (or vice-versa).
how do you contain or exterminate someone who might have the same subjugation in mind for you?

how do you contain or exterminate someone who might have the same subjugation in mind for you?

REACTION

I was just minding my own business....

I was just minding my own business….

Okay. So you’ve concluded this is another You. You (you-you, not them-you) should still hold the cards tightly to your vest (especially if you are literally playing a card game and are literally wearing a vest, but really, who does that anymore?). Stick with the poker-face, give your reflected Other the same shit-eating grin and courtesy laugh you have on display for the rest of the schmucks in the room. Shake hands, rub ankles, do whatever is customary amongst the natives of this region, but do not be the first to acknowledge the commonality. Remain objective, unconvinced.

Whether your doppelganger is a threat to your existence or not, it is best to keep him/her disarmed with your aloofness. Your disinterest will foment doubt and temper their action. You must keep in mind: action will be guided by fear. Eco once described the ‘fear of the double’ having to do with redundancy and a sense of meaninglessness. This is the prevailing theme in Dostoevsky’s novel The Double where the anxious protagonist has his life stolen from and then improved upon by a more charismatic doppelgänger. You must tread lightly as this Other may consider you a threat to their sense of self, if not their very existence.

A couple of notes on interacting with your doppelganger:

...then she came into my life.

…when she came into my life.

  1. If your doppelganger seems to be aware of or share your entire life history, this could be one of two things:
    1. They are a harbinger of death. Best case scenario, it is breakfast time and they are the ‘fetch’ of Irish folklore, a spiritual double when seen in the morning means good news, evening bad. If there is an ethereal quality to their voice or flesh, then this is likely some sort of spiritual omen. Be sure to take a cab home, use protection and double-lock the front door (not necessarily in that order).
    2. They are a cyborg – part clone, part artificial intelligence robot implanted with a memory built from your “imprint” upon social media. Some mad scientist must have thought you important enough to recreate. Hopefully you are a comedian or very good looking, otherwise, you have likely become expendable. If the otherwise – Run!

(the rest of the notes in this section assume your doppelganger has a different life history)

  1. If they (your doppelganger) are present with a spouse, try at all costs to not seduce or become seduced by your double’s partner. This is bad manners.
  2. If they (your doppelganger) are present with a companion who they have not yet married, feel free to express yourself as a better version of the man/woman they are currently with – but at your own risk. While it may be easy to persuade your double’s partner, Joan or John Doe, you have the aesthetic likeness along with better breeding and/or education than your double, pointing out such things may incite fracas (#incitefracas).
  3. If you are present with a companion or spouse when you encounter your doppelganger, you should immediately neutralize the threat (i.e. maim, lock in lavatory, set afire, ridicule, file for a restraining order, surprise head-butt, switch their aftershave with chloroform, put laxatives in their meatloaf, snitch on them to the IRS, have your Gypsy mother-in-law stink-eye them) in case they are the aesthetic equal of you, but of better breeding and/or education.
  4. If you are present with a companion or spouse when you encounter your doppelganger and they too are present with a companion or spouse whom is quite fetching, perhaps you wait and see what happens?
  5. If the only visual difference between you and your doppelganger is facial hair, chances are the more radically groomed double is the evil twin of the Other. Regardless of which one you are, begin the act of subjugation.
  6. Likewise, if you or the Other is named Garth(e), begin the act of subjugation as this is not going to end well.
Michael Knight vs. Garthe Knight

Michael Knight vs. evil twin Garthe Knight

SUBJUGATION

Everyone has a right to free will, to live as the person they are (as long as their pursuit of happiness does not infringe on others, of course). If you are called onto a daytime talk show to learn the life you thought you had was fabricated and you are no more than a clone of the unique snowflake you formerly thought yourself to be, your right to exist as “you” is no less true. Similarly, if you are the original “you” and you learn someone has become your clone without your consent; your right to retain your identity is valid. Negotiation between doubles is not always an option. Each entity has the right to live as their self and neither may be at peace with self-exile or the redundancy of living with a double.

It’s you or them. If you do not act, they will. But how do you defeat your Doppelganger if they are likely out to defeat you? True – not all doppelgangers are created equally and your double may lack your life experience or moral ambiguity or the reflexes of fainting goat – but chances are they know exactly what you are going to do right about the same time you realize you are going to do it. How do you get the better of someone who isn’t just in your head, but has your head?

Captain Kirk vs. Garth from Izar - Let Spock Decide!

Captain Kirk vs. Garth from Izar – Let Spock Decide!

  1. Don’t try to out-think your double. They will anticipate that.
  2. Hire a professional to eradicate the nuisance resembling you. Just make sure the professional knows which of you is you and which is not paying the bounty.
  3. Do the exact opposite of whatever your impulse is. No, wait… the Other will anticipate that too.
  4. Build up a tolerance for poisons, invite your doppelganger over for dinner and poison only your plate using a different poison you have never built up a tolerance for. No, they’d think of that too.
  5. Let Spock decide.
  6. Build a decision engine akin to a Magic 8-Ball which will make random decisions you could act upon in order to best your opponent. Your doppelganger will be unable to predict which tactic you might take in subjugating them. Do this before they do the same to you.
  7. If all else fails, shave the goatee, grow a mullet and move to British Columbia. Hopefully, your doppelganger is not already there.

Collegiate Basketball was invented almost accidentally. First there was darkness. Within the darkness, there existed a contest of athleticism between rival teams involving baskets and balls in a sport casually referred to as “basketball” because “cricket” was already taken. Then there was light… After casual passersby began their spectatorship of these contests, the bookies of gambling houses took notice and asked, “Would not these contests be more interesting if one were allowed (legality being irrelevant) to wager one’s monies on the outcome of these contests?” Yes, the mob of spectators answered almost in unison with a resounding abso-fucking-lutely affirmative. Thus sprang forth Collegiate Basketball.

Lo! the Ides of March are upon us. As our pagan ancestors realized with the dying embers of their winter fire the coming equinox required the planting of seed, so too do we contemporary pagans plant our seed with our meager wagers upon the sacrificial altar of Collegiate Basketball trademarked ever-so-alliterately as “March Madness”. Sixty-Four (give or take a few stragglers) teams enter, one team leaves. With the Ides of March we let the wagering begin, and with it, the synchronized prognostication of millions of spectators throughout the known universe (plus any under the shady bits of the unknown).

To assist my fair brothers and sisters in their endeavors with the speculative vice, I present to you:

Vic Neverman’s Thirty-Three Divination Methods for Gambling on Collegiate Basketball!

  1. Astrology – Keep in mind, mutual assured destruction would have occurred between the United States and the Soviet Union in the 1980’s if not for Nancy’s Astrologist (Intern – can you get me a fact check on this?). Look at your Horoscope. Does it read “you could be setting yourself up for disappointment” as mine does? Then fill out your bracket and then fill out a second bracket with the exact opposite picks and put your money on #2. Just make sure you have Kentucky winning it all, even against the Cinderella of Wofford.
  2. Dowsing – Grab your grandfather’s old bronze rods his father used during the Dustbowl for water-witching. Now take out a map of the United States and hover the dowsing rods over the map until the rods swing inward together. Where does the “X” mark? Is it Ottawa? Well, shit, that is Canada, a country designed to resemble Wisconsin, so choose the Badgers as your Penultimate Winner (beating everyone but Kentucky in the Final Four).
  3. "rar! We are Feral!" - the Kentucky Wildcats

    “rar! we are cats incapable of domestication!”

    Astrology 2.0 – does your Horoscope instead read, “All your dreams may come true today”? Last night I dreamt of dolphins and gutter-punks (true enuff!), but no matter as this is your horoscope not mine. Did you dream of misplaced condoms and the life that has become you? Ah-ha, were they Trojan condoms? With the Trojan Horse logo on the package? The same Trojan Horse, of course, which was a faux-gift to Troy in order to hide a bunch of sneaky Spartans? Then your dream is telling you to pick Michigan State, up until they face Kentucky.

  4. Necromancy – NOTE: this does not require fornicating with corpses (at least not literally), which is the most common misunderstanding of “necromancy”. No, instead, Necromancy is divining answers from the dead. So grab the nearest OUIJA board, dig up your most recently deceased ancestor and ask them for who their boss (Devil, St. Peter, someone in the know) is picking in their brackets. Then choose their team to lose to Kentucky in the final.
  5. Astrology 3.0 – does your Horoscope read “Think twice about what you divulge to your friends today…”? Well, obviously – you are filling out your secret bracket and your friends believe you to be more of an authority on the subject matter than they. Tell them lies. Then grab their bracket and write down their champion as your pick to lose to Kentucky.
  6. Alectromancy – grab the nearest white rooster and toss it grains of varying colors. If the rooster prefers red grains, pick teams of red colors, such as Wisconsin and Arizona and Harvard and Kentucky after the downtrodden bleed upon their white knickers.
  7. Haruspicy – go down to the nearest deli and ask about for the nearest Haruspex to review the entrails of whichever animal you are sacrificing. I would go with pork, the other white meat. Perhaps your Haruspex will go woo pig sooie with the pork from Arkansas University to beat everyone but their SEC Rival Kentucky.
  8. Splanchomancy – this is a mix of Haruspicy and Necromancy crossed with virgins. If you know of any dead or dying virgins, inquire if you might inspect their entrails. Or better yet, hire the Haruspex to do so. If they find Blue Devils, voila! Duke will lose to Kentucky.
  9. Astrology 4.0 – does you Horoscope read “do not be too concerned if you are not productive today”? Then you might as well leave work early and consult the rum gods as you fill out your bracket. Suggestion: mark Kentucky’s path to the final prior to your dozenth damn dram of the Naval-strength throat-cleanser.
  10. Maybe another Crystal...

    Maybe another Crystal…

    Crystal Gazing – do you know a chick named Crystal? Gaze into her eyes. What do you see? Fire? A Blazer? As in University of Alabama-Birmingham beating Iowa State? Maybe she isn’t the right Crystal. Pick ISU… and Kentucky.

  11. Hydromancy – try divining images through water. Do you have a virginal pig handy you can’t bring yourself to sacrifice before digging into Wilbur’s entrails? Then have him urinate into a puddle. What images does the splatter create? Does it resemble Utah? Go, then, with the Utes to lose to Kentucky.
  12. Baconmancy – back to the sacrificial pig option, if you are good with sacrificing the virginal pig, but lack the stomach (ahem) or Haruspex to investigate its entrails, then just sacrifice and fry up the virginal pig’s bacon. Eat it all and pick Virginia to win until they lose to Kentucky.
  13. Astrology 5.0 – does your Horoscope say “your intuition will not fail you now”? Then hire a yoga instructor (preferably a virgin) to bring you to a calm enough state to fill out your bracket. Don’t be too calm to not choose Kentucky.
  14. Coin Flip – why the hell not? As long as: Kentucky.
  15. Craps – use dice outcomes to represent the competitors. Summon up your dead great-aunt and tell her which team represents the even-numbered sides of the die and which is odds. Cast away. What do the dice say? Kentucky, ultimately.
  16. Bacanje Graha – are you a Bosniak fortune-teller with 41 beans handy? Or do you know one? Toss the beans and use whichever Balkan folklore rules to determine the outcome of who shall lose to Kentucky.
  17. Favomancy – another bean tossing tradition similar to the Bosniaks is one involving 53 beans by those Persians of Iran. Toss the 53 beans and see if 47 Republican Senators tell you not to trust the result. Regardless of their constituency, go with Kentucky.
  18. Coffee Divining – in Turkey, I once had an old woman pour me a cup of coffee and use the remnants (half of any true Turkish cup of coffee is inedible muck) after I drank the liquid portion to divine patterns in the sludge. She said something about the Wild Cats, so pick Arizona to lose to Kentucky.
  19. My Coffee (and yonder, my beer) and yet... this is the Eye of Isis.

    My Coffee (and yonder, my beer) and yet… this is the Eye of Isis. (just above the reflective light…)

    Javamancy – this is an old Neverman tradition going back to our Turkish roots. We Nevermen were never admittedly Turks, but we were wayward Phoenicians wandering lands raped, pillaged and conquered by the Ottomans, so there is bound to be some Turk blood within. What we do for Javamancy is pour a black cup of American drip coffee and then 7 drops of cream, which we then delicately blow across the surface of the coffee to see which images appear. This is similar to hydromancy. If you see the Eye of Isis, then pick Wichita State to beat Kansas.

  20. Astrology 6.0 – does your Horoscope ask “do you feel you are growing closer to someone or does the relationship seem like a figment of your imagination”? Then ask your someone their advice and if they do not pick Kentucky overall, then they are just shit.
  21. Opon Ifá – does your dentist double as a Babalawo? If so, look no further! As your dentist to toss their palm nuts on the floor and do his arithmetic to see which fortune is yours. I bet it is via Kentucky.
  22. Merindinlogun – do you have 16 cowrie-shells handy and a Brazilian Candomblé priest available? Follow their lead to see who will lose to Kentucky.
  23. Dilogunwho are you kidding? Puerto Rico isn’t quite Brazil, but it will do in a pinch as long as you have the necessary cowrie-shells.
  24. Astrology 7.0 – FACT CHECK: Nancy Reagan’s Astrologer who saved the world from Mutually Assured Mass Destruction was Joan Quigley.
  25. kim-kardashian-paper-cover-full-billboard-650 (1)Rumpology – speaking of Nancy Reagan of Puerto Rico, Rumpology is exactly how it sounds. Divining the future by examining the curvatures and crevices of a person’s buttocks is a thing (thanks Babylon!). Do you have a quarter? Can you bounce it off of someone’s ass? You’re a rumpologist. I don’t know how you can use ass to predict the outcome of games, but perhaps it is like the coin-flip option once the quarter is bounced. If it lands in the crevice… find a new quarter or just say “to hell with it” and select Kentucky.
  26. Physiognomy – on a related note, there is palm-reading. If one of your Aunt Kathys read your palm 18 years ago and mentioned your money-line was disappointing, then you probably were not meant to win this basketball pool anyway.
  27. Physiognomy 2.0 – on the other hand (ahem), I haven’t had any Aunt Kathys since the divorce, yet I did have a recovering-Hooters Girl of Roma origins who read my palm when I was in college and she was flabbergasted by the strangeness of the Neverman faded palm lines. How could Vic even be alive, she wondered. This is a true story, though she refused to pose within a Hooters shirt I had at the ready.
  28. Solistry – is Physiognomy of the feet. But I am ticklish.
  29. Pareidolia – do you see the image of Coach K in your toast? Then choose Duke to lose to Kentucky.
  30. Belomancy – fancy bows & arrows, do you? Grab three and within the feathers label the first after a competitor, the second after the opposition and the third “push” and then shoot the arrows into the distance. The furthest will likely say Kentucky. Credit, again, the Babylonians.

For the king of Babylon stands at the parting of the way, at the head of the two ways, to use divination; he shakes the arrows, he consults the household idols, he looks at the liver.

– Ezekiel 21:21

  1. Taghairm – Prefer the Scottish means of summoning answers of the dead and/or devils by roasting cats alive or water-boarding sensitives? Taghairm is for you! If the dead and/or devils tell you anything other than “don’t eat the haggis”, get out while you can and bet blue.
  2. Technomancy – Ask Siri.
  3. Srirachomancy – Using Sriracha sauce patterns to conjure images of the divine. Splatter some Sriracha onto your breakfast sandwich and press the muffin top down. Now remove. Do you see an outline of the state of Kentucky? Good! It worked.
Srirachomancy: it looks like Jesus, or wait, maybe its just John Belushi...

Srirachomancy: it looks like Jesus, or wait, maybe its just John Belushi…

The Art of Brainwashing

With the fall of civilization and the rewilding of society, strategic alliances with other apocalypse survivors will be paramount to long-term security. But who to trust with such alliances? Those friendlies whose loyalty may have remained unchallenged since pre-EOTWAWKI (end of the world as we know it) may not possess the gumption to realign their moral compass with the magnetic savagery of the new normal. As for strangers, who could you possibly trust?

These were the concerns voiced to me by Cyrus Lee Hancock as he sipped cognac from where he lounged dangerously close to the bonfire planted somewhere in the vast territory of what was his backyard. It was the summer of 2012 and I was on the payroll as a propagandist for Cyrus Lee’s homebred militia, OASIS (Oviedo Army of Security, Intelligence and Survival). With the building hysteria of the Maya Apocalypse (which was all the rage in 2012), the OASIS coffers had swelled with membership dues paid by doomsday-preparers RSVP’ing their place on the Hancock Survivalist Compound. I didn’t know it at the time, but Cyrus Lee Hancock’s ‘Armageddon Insurance Package’ was overbooked. If the END had come, two-thirds of those who prepaid to enter the Compound would have to be turned away. By the time the Maya Apocalypse had come & gone (without so much as a whimper), the IRS came snooping to find the OASIS vault empty and its proprietor on the other side of the world.  But there I go, getting ahead of the story again… Back to the summer of 2012, Cyrus Lee Hancock commissioned me to find a way to ‘vet’ the friendlies and the strangers of the Post-Apocalypse to ensure they were worthy of inclusion in his survival club.

Cat & Mouse - attempting to leave the Hancock Estate unscathed

Cat & Mouse – attempting to leave the Hancock Estate unscathed

How to know who to trust within or without the community?

The solution, ultimately, was not to test the mettle and loyalty of the survivors, but to rebuild them in our image. For those willing to be a part of OASIS, there would be an orientation. For those unwilling to join but coveted by OASIS for their skills or aesthetic (for repopulating the Earth, etc.), there would be a persuasive orientation. The orientation would focus on re-programming the initiate’s mindset, or what is commonly referred to as “brainwashing”.

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 33 of Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Absolute Authority of a Hurricane Survival Guide written by yours truly, Victor Ulysses Neverman:

How to Brainwash People into joining your Post-Apocalyptic Cult

Daryl Dixon was just a douchebag redneck before the apocalypse

Daryl Dixon was just a douchebag redneck before the apocalypse

In the Post-Apocalypse, there will be four types of survivors to plan your defensive strategy around: the dogs, the sheep, the goats and the wolves. The first category is the dogs. These are your loyal hounds willing and able to further the cause of your community in its goal of long-term survival. Of course, every dog has a little wolf in it, so there is a chance of betrayal. Never doubt this. The second category is the sheep. These are those already willing to be a part of your community, but who are unable to be effective because of poor education and/or breeding. Third, we have the goats, these are rogue outsiders who do not wish to be a part of your community but who, ultimately, you need (goats can be milked, after all). Fourth are the wolves. These fuckers can never be trusted, but they often parade around in sheep or goat skins in order to infiltrate your ranks. Wolves are agents of chaos and best shot on sight. The problem is these ravenous bastards are hard to spot.

DISCLOSURE: Brainwashing is subject best left to those with questionable morals. Do not induce brainwashing techniques if you are prone to fits of conscience. To brainwash is to alter another’s thinking. More than the subliminal messages hidden in fast food commercials, brainwashing requires a subject be entirely destroyed prior to being rebuilt. Remember: the Ends Justify the Means, but it is your Ends we are talking about and some fairly diabolical Means.

It is the sheep and the goats who must be brainwashed. A sheep with its docile mindset is a liability. A sheep requires brainwashing or outright abandonment. Goats are needed within the community, yet are unwilling to participate. In order to encourage participation, goats need persuasion. Engage brainwashing…

Stage 1: Isolation

For the sheep, it is like a coming of age ritual. Release the juvenile into the wild. For the goat, it is imprisonment. Freemasons were tossed into a well. Patty Hearst was locked into a trunk.

In Stage 1, the Subject is to be isolated from their family and friends. The environment should either be an entire lack of stimuli or stimulus overload. Even better: both. The time spent in isolation varies on the circumstance. 45 minutes buried alive could be more effective than two weeks marooned on an island.

Stage 2: Nourishment

Remember to pack enough doggie chow for the poxiclypse

Remember to pack enough doggie chow for the poxiclypse

Something keeps the Subject alive. Bread tossed down the well. Bottled water waiting every morning at the tree stump. The nourishment is courtesy of a parental figure, a provider of life yet an authority on the opposite. The Subject creates, willingly or not, a bond towards the provider, who is both guardian and captor.

In Stage 2, the isolation continues in less threatening circumstances than the claustrophobic preceding trauma such as being buried alive or trapped in a car trunk. In Stage 2, there is normality in the sustenance and the hand feeding the Subject is the same hand to scold the subject.

Stage 3: Attack

The hand that feeds begins to scold. The Subject’s entire belief system is under attack. YOU ARE WRONG, WE ARE RIGHT. The Subject is ridiculed without boundary. The Subject is made vulnerable, easily accomplished by stripping down and parading before unseen critics howling their laughter. The Subject may remain firm in their belief system, regardless of the bullying, and at this stage it is okay. Scold, reduce, repeat.

Stage 4: Bottom of the Food Chain

Freedoms are given to the Subject, but only to demonstrate the Subject’s position on the bottom of the food chain. Good behavior is rewarded with food or fresh air with time spent out of their subterranean cell. Bad behavior, even if exaggerated by the captor, is stern and overzealous

Stage 5: Threat of Death

The creepy fuck-rabbit, Charlie Manson, once said “Fear is the great teacher.” He was right. There is an archaic Masonic rite of making the initiate believe they had been poisoned and locked in a coffin. The actual threat is not as grave as the suggestion.

In Stage 5, have the Subject dig a hole 6’ deep, 6’ long and 3’ wide after using a yard stick to measure the Subject’s dimensions. Or, have the Subject climb the gallows to have a noose tightened around their neck only to stand there above the trap-door or un-sturdy chair as long as necessary to thwart their hope for continued life.

Their salvation should come at the sudden appearance and casual insistence of the authority the Subject recognizes as their protector/guardian. The parental authority who nourishes and staves off execution will become deified by the Subject, intentionally or not.

Stage 6: Submission

Samurai swords were just an ornamental luxury until APOCALYPSE

Samurai swords were just an ornamental luxury until APOCALYPSE

The Subject will begin acquiescing to the commands of the authority in order to escape further punishment and/or humiliation. This submission may be unauthentic as the Subject internally could be rigid in their sovereignty. Even so, in play-acting, three occurrences of submissive pretending are all it takes for the psyche to begin accepting theater for truth. The same exists for politicians or actors who thrice pretend to be enraged on a subject… they will eventually find themselves truly angered.

In Stage 6, the prisoner may become dutiful to appease the guard and it is in this practice of appeasement the prisoner’s nature is adjusted to be subservient. In the corporate environment, the roguish maverick may at first shun the organizational culture, yet relent when the boss is present and after so many years of feigning adherence to company standards the maverick is absolutely transformed into a “company man” to the point of defending the corporate culture. In the military environment, the cadet who despises the dictatorship of the drill sergeant will within time work to win the approval of the very authority he earlier rejected.

Pretending submission is still submission.

Stage 7: Identity and Initiation

The Subject is rewarded with a position offered within the Community. The ego of the Subject becomes satisfied with a role defined to suit their ability. A culture is revealed to the Subject which is strange and alienating. This is necessary – outsiders should quake in fear as insiders are emboldened by the peculiar nature of the Community.

It is important, then, the Community has a culture of fear and dominance characterized through symbolism. For example, in the post-apocalyptic realm of OASIS, there should be inhumane and amoral practices of initiation such as wearing the skins of animals and drinking the blood of a vanquished human enemy. These practices are revulsive and this is the point. Early initiative rites should be alienating to outsiders, which will invigorate the obedience of the initiate.

Once indoctrinated, any common assistant bank manager can become badass.

Once indoctrinated, any common assistant bank manager can become badass.

When a child is born, it identifies a maternal provider – the authoritative guardian/captor in this scenario – and then works to find its role within limited world view. Once comfortable with its environment, the child begins mimicking those around it. This is the socialization of a person, when it begins to imitate the culture, whether by playing “dress-up” in mum’s clothes or seeking to match pa’s temper. Socialization is the initial brainwashing of a person. Orientation should be considered a new birth into the Community of the post-apocalyptic damned.

Stage 7 & ½: (Optional) Deepen Allegiance through Sexual Taboos

Whenever the Creator, (S)He of celestial origins or accidental mathes, made creatures, (S)He made sure to include a deep inherent desire to procreate. Or… if not procreate, to practice the methods of procreation. Male bonobo monkeys spend most of their day masturbating and homo erectus isn’t too far in the lag. Sexual appetite and aversion, inversely related yet eternally connected, exist somewhere in the darkest abyss of the psyche and are the easiest apple-cart of the neurosis to overturn. Sexuality is perhaps the least known quadrant of the human mind – what governs temerity & timidity? what governs heterosexuality versus homosexuality, polysexuality or asexuality? – yet sexuality is the easiest quadrant of the mind to manipulate.

Even more than religion, sexual persuasion can alienate a singular person more than any other orbiting force. Society and societal norms continually curb the tendencies individuals allow of themselves, creating closeted sexual proclivities hidden until they burst. Sexual taboo can alienate as easily as it can unite and it is this carnal arena that can be utilized to eternally trap the initiate Subject by allowing, or more often insisting, indulgence in an amoral behavior.

With the Knights Templar, those wayward Franks of the Outremer, there were plenty of blasphemies engaged through initiation and reoccurring through traditional Wednesday night potlucks in the Levant, such as sodomy, bestiality, etc., etc., et al. Charlie Manson, the great psycho-recruiter, pushed his “compulsory free love” upon his initiate murderesses. When the initiate participates in the amoral acts, they become complicit in the tradition, furthering their assimilation into the culture.

Stage 7 and a half is optional because sexual persuasion is not always a necessary component in the indoctrination of followers, such as soldiers in the military. Or is it? The celibacy of soldiers enforced within the barracks is a form of sexual oppression only to be released when the soldiers are on furlough, in which, the nearby brothels become the scene of traditional brotherhood bonding via mass erogenous engagement. Historically, the soldier’s celibacy is also released when encountering the vanquished non-combatants of the enemy.

Stage 8: Superiority Affirmed

During the early stages of captivity, the Subject is indoctrinated on why their previous worldview is invalid and how the Community’s atmosphere is superior to all else. Once the Subject emerges from captivity to have a role within the Community, the lesson of superiority should be affirmed, whether it is by parading around invalids unworthy of the cause or granting the Subject some sort of authority as a result of their personal transformation. Once the Subject participates with the punishment of sheep and goats, they have become complicit.

Stage 8 and into the indefinite future, the heat and cold of the punishment/reward dynamic should be further enacted. To govern and influence over subjects, the rewards should be often and minimal while the punishments should be less frequent and extreme. Certainly “re-orientation” should remain a constant threat for those straying from the company standard.

Season’s Greetings, Fellow Wanderer.

Umi, waiting patiently as her battery charges

Umi, waiting patiently as her battery charges

I say this somewhat contemptuously, not contemptuous of your damp perfumes and arid pleasantries, but rather contemptuous for the gluttonous nature of the season upon us with its flickering holiday illumination buggering my night vision until it’s as useless as the misaligned belly-button on my Japanese sex-bot, Umi, who’s currently charging in the closet. Nevertheless, the holidays are here and like the innermost fowl of Turducken you likely never saw it coming. Thusly, I am here with my travel season advice.

Sure, you may think my talents at gliding through the shadows may not apply to your common lemming channels of passage, but you’d be wrong! I have perspective to offer because Paranoia; perspective your limited worldview is sorely lacking. So buckle-up, fellow wanderer, and perhaps you may just learn something. More than likely not, but that is neither here nor there. It is Neverwhere.

Happy is the traveler who has no heavy luggage with him but a pocket flask, a Times crossword and a firm-fitting mustache.

– Kyril Bonfiglioli’s Hon. Charlie Mortdecai

Duplicitous Slight-of-Handling of your In-Flight Beverages

Crossing a continent is no easy feat. This much is apparent by any Cold War kid who played Oregon Trail on a Cold War computing mainframe. Fortunately, 21st Century transit has the benefits of airport food courts and, well… flight. Making the journey from Independence, Mizzou to Oregon City in these post-apocalyptic times shouldn’t be taken for granted, to be sure, but just because there are no literal rattlesnakes nipping at your heels does not mean there are not figurative rattlesnakes nibbling your Achilles tendon. I speak, of course, of those darned flight stewards. Aye, weasely Bruce and permed Sharon with their bubbly gaiety as they simulate belt-buckling and aquatic catastrophe, they are my figurative serpents. Flight stewardry is no easy job, mind. I wouldn’t want to be labored with such hardship – pleasing the unpleasable masses with their electronic devices, flatulence, phobias, bombs, so on and so forth. Yet, there is sacred ground these air stewards frequently stomp upon: snipping booze. Hear me now, traveler! I advise you when ordering some midflight cocktail to insist upon the attendant you should mix your own drink with whichever Barbie-sized bottle they provide. Just watch their hands if you do otherwise and allow them to mix your drink – the attendant carefully unscrews a new mini-bottle, pours liquid into a heavily-iced plastic chamber pot, re-screws the cap onto the bottle and pockets the leftovers. If the bottle is empty, why would they re-screw the cap back on? Why, indeed! Because these stewards are hording our booze! Aye, sure, sure, sure, most travelers do not need any more alcohol, they are already saturated with Xanax-laced Chardonnay (self-prescribed by my aisle-mates) and they are intolerable light-weight drunks to begin with, surely permed Sharon need not pour a full scotchy-scotch for such passengry. But a full drink is what I paid for! These stewards, when left to their own devices, will dust just enough booze atop our tonic water to give the first sip some bite only to screw-in the rest of the alcohol to pocket for their selves and in doing so are infringing on our rights as consumers. When I want a gin & tonic, I want my Orwellian government-mandated allotment of gin, dammit! Here’s the real fecklessness of these steward antics – their motive. They can only accept credit card, which means no cash, which means they cannot resell stolen gin nips to other passengers for their own underhanded monetary profit. Why, then, do they nip the gin, if not monetary gain? Perhaps just to save the MotherShip money in booze? Ha! Laughable, these stewards are not dolts enough to remain loyal to the golden wings pinned into their smart vests. Nay. These attendants bring said snipping back to their hotel room and participate in heavens-knows-what Bacchanalia with other stewards and pilots before flying back to Toledo on the morn. I say we, passengry, take a stand against these heathen scoundrels who lighten our boozy payload (as any sot worth his salt can attest to)! We should all demand the bottle you rightfully paid for. Deny them their licentiousness, unless, of course, they invite you to participate along in the Bacchanalia. I mean, if nothing else, it would be worth the resulting t-shirt.

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

― Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer

To Uber or Not To Uber?

Absofuckinglutely Not.

Of course, this advice comes from a shifty dude constantly dancing along the fringe of the Grid (viz. the common social network binding us through relatively familiar channels with government oversight); heed my sage advice with a sprinkled grain of salt.

What is Uber? Uber is a company championed by socially networked pioneers and Grid stalwarts like Ashton Kutcher as a means to democratize the driving profession. Uber is an alternative to the reliance on taxis and other metropolitan mass transit by providing a stark raving stranger to drive the carless to the next destination in a cheaper and more convenient manner than the conventional cabbie. Uber does this as an app on your phone that allows you to send out the bat signal to fidgety ferriers likewise connected to the Grid via smartphone. Uber is also counter-traditional, which makes it uber-sexy to Hipsters. Uber will be hugely popular this holiday season as the throngs of amateur revelers stumble out of their binge-sessions in need of an easy means of travelling to whichever warm bed beckons.

Bah humbug. Vic Neverman doesn’t Uber. Why?

Uber works using GPS positioning devices located within your phone and the cars jetting you between points A&B. It is the GPS positioning device that grants Uber more power than you should trust them with. Until recently, there has been a ‘God View’ that allowed Uber drivers to see a bird’s-eye scan of all the Uber patrons and their fellow Uber ferriers as they meandered through the city streets. ‘God View’ still exists, though it has been supposedly taken out of the hands of the Uber drivers. For those married to an indulgence of inclusion into the Grid, this matters not… if you feel so inclined to be another bit along the bacterial branch of humanity, jump right in, Dude. Otherwise, do like Vic and call a fucking cab from a burner phone and pay the Russian pimp in cash you laundered via your burrito food truck operation in order to keep the IRS off your trail.

Add to fuel the fire, pour a little petrol on the party, an executive of Uber was championing a counter-strike upon journalists as a means to keep their sniffling snouts at bay.

Dude... because reasons

Dude… because reasons

Would that be so bad? To paparazzi the paparazzi? Even Ashton Kutcher, 40% of 2 ½ Men and Uber investor argues, “What is so wrong about digging up dirt on a shady journalist?

Here is what it would be so wrong: If corporations could get away with extorting journalists, who happen to lack the monetary and legal team assets, then the Fourth Estate is dead. Of course, this still happens to a degree. I was once impeached as President of the German Honor Society at my high school because of the muckraking financed by the fucking Qatari Royal Family. But this is neither here nor there and I am bored with this car-driving topic.

How to get to Geneva while the CIA thinks you are en route to Tokyo

If you are like me, traveler, you are constantly bemoaning the fact that you cannot visit your uncle Captain Dick in his Bogota compound without alerting the DEA or rendezvousing with the longtime flame Des Riley (the safe-word is ‘indubitably’) in her Southside high-rise without summoning the lunkheads of Chicago Blue. Well, there is hope. All it takes is some ingenuity and a lot of untraceable cash. Let us propose a hypothetical: you want to get to Geneva without Big Brother being the wiser…

Step One: Obtain a vast sum of untraceable money

Step Two: Collect two separate identities. For both J.Doe and A.Smith, you should have separate credit cards, passports, driver’s license and either Cost Co or Sam’s Club member cards to keep it authentic.

Step Three: Hire a dopplegangerish lookalike.

Step Four: Purchase a ticket for J.Doe to travel from San Jose to Geneva by way of Dallas. Purchase a separate ticket for A.Smith to travel to Tokyo from Nashville by way of Dallas. Ensure both layovers coincide. And I mean Dallas-Ft Worth, none of that Dallas-Love bullshit.

Step Five: Have doppleganger version of you enter San Jose airport with J.Doe credentials and ticket while wearing blue jeans and a sweater. You should then enter Nashville airport wearing a windbreaker and slacks. Both you and your doppleganger should have on interchangeable accessories, such as alternative watches, jewelry, sunglasses, hair extensions, etc., etc., et al. Each of you should have within the carry-on luggage a replica of the other’s dress and accessories.

Step Six: Have doppleganger version of you enter Dallas Fort Worth airport lavatory (preferably the same terminal as your flight) and use a stall. You should simultaneously do likewise, just a different stall, otherwise weird. Both you and your doppleganger should remove your clothes and accessories for the alternatives in your respective carry-on. You should replace your windbreaker and slacks with the jeans and t-shirt in your carry-on.

Step Seven: Have doppleganger exit bathroom stall and begin washing hands, crimping hair, etc. You should do likewise moments before or after. Do not make eye-contact with your doppleganger. Floss your teeth. Place your carry-on bag beside your doppleganger’s carry-on bag, each of you making sure your credentials (passport, DL, Diner’s Club card) and ticket are within your bag.

Step Eight: Grab your doppleganger’s bag. You are now J.Doe and they are A.Smith. Walk out of the lavatory and onto your flight to Geneva.

Step Nine: Rockstar.

Fucking rockstar. Unfortunately, by the time you’ve killed off your doppleganger, only you and I will ever know how much of a clandestine rockstar you are. Unless you start your own blog.

Why is all this necessary? In the old spy books it was common for Dudley Studley to buy two sets of tickets, one under his own name and another under an alias. He would then fly to the destination as the alias while the tickets under his own name went unused. The problem with this bullshit excuse for counter-espionage is that as soon as the ticket goes unused, the airline is aware which means any government worth-their-shit is aware. The best means to fulfill the divergent strategy is to employ a Red Herring to go where you want Big Brother to think you are going.

Don’t thank me, thank the Mossad who taught me. Or the CIA advisers who advised the Mossad. Or the long-dead Nazis who built the CIA. Circle of Life…

Ask Vic: the advice column for the damned and determined

Ask Vic: the advice column for the damned and determined

Occasionally, Vic Neverman will answer your questions. Feel free to email him at VicNeverman@gmail.com and perhaps one day you will be featured in the Paranoid Mailbag.

Mr Neverman, I have a girlfriend for five weeks and she is always insulting me cuz of something she read in Cosmo, the magazine. I have a theory Cosmo gives more bad advice than good since more single women read the magazine regularly than happily married women. Am I nuts or am I onto something? – Reginald the Third from Muscle Shoals

Reggie, I like the way you think. If Niccolo Machiavelli were an editor of Cosmo, he would certainly suggest a method for retaining and enhancing readership as you propose. The difference between a conspiracy theorist and a journalist, however, is research. You should look into this potential conspiracy. Start anonymously trolling employees of the magazine until you can get the scoop. Make up business cards that claim you work for TMZ and hand them out at the Cosmo office cafeteria. Flash around rolls of money where the top bill is a Benjamin and everything else is rolled up newspaper. Seek out the interns, get them drunk and milk them for intel. Be persistent. Don’t just be ‘Reginald from Muscle Shoals’, be somebody who matters. Remember, today is the tomorrow you were paranoid about yesterday.

Hi Vic. Longtime reader, first time writer. I am looking to get into the espionage business. I have read all of Tom Clancy’s novels and I once worked with an Arab when I installed air conditioning units. I feel like I have something to offer, yet, I don’t have a degree and my ex-gf says my history with recreational hallucinogens and cockfighting would look poorly in a background check. Where can I find work? – Jerry Bourne of Knob Lick, Missouri

Hey Jerry. Your best asset as a spy is that you are an American. Of course, this is an asset coveted most by enemies of the United States. I wouldn’t recommend walking into Pyongyang waving a white flag or introducing yourself to the nearest Chinese waiter in an act of submission. Your best bet is to offer up services with “allies” of the United States who like to keep tabs on US all the same. Like the world-eating fuckers in Qatar. There are more Qatari spies than there are citizens of Qatar (unofficially 333,033 of the former versus 250,001 of the latter), so you could easily get work there. Or Google the Mossad human resources website. I am currently being vetted by the Israelies for a position in their cryptoblography department. It is tough work, but I am already circumcised and could use the extra income as pizza delivery doesn’t pay as it once did. Plus, their application process is quick, easy and fun!

The Mossad's career builder website...

The Mossad’s career builder website…

Victor, I have a question for Cyrus Lee Hancock. I have one of his business cards, but there are no contact details as it mentions “DON’T ASK FOR US. WE WILL FIND YOU.” This hasn’t been the case and I need to know what he recommends for a pest problem I have. You see, I live in North Florida and there is a tribe of rhesus monkeys gathering about in the trees and they all have herpes. At least, the animals captured by Fish & Wildlife have been confirmed as being Herpes-B infected. It is bad enough listening to their fornication at night, how can I avoid the herpe with these monkeys present? – Sally Jo of Crescent City, Florida

SalJo, on my last trip into international waters, I sent off a carrier pigeon to an offshore data haven and received back a burner phone with a saved number to dial and receive an encrypted password I could use to send an email to Cyrus Lee Hancock. I didn’t bother sending your question to Cyrus Lee because I can already anticipate his response to your Herpes Monkey problem as the following…

Cyrus Lee Hancock's response to rhesus with herpes

Cyrus Lee Hancock’s response to rhesus with herpes

Hey Vic. I know you are something of a gambler on football, as I am, and I have a beef to pick with Jameis Winston, the Heisman winning quarterback for Florida State University. FSU was favored by 8.5 points against Louisville this October and were down by 14 at halftime. At that point, I wagered with my father-in-law I would show him pictures of my ex-wife’s carnal regions if FSU came back and won. Well, it has come to light that Jameis Winston tanked during the first half to help his friend win a bet and then started playing lights-out the second half to win the game (and eventually cover the 8.5 point spread). Now I am in trouble with the ex because her pictures are all over Facebook. How can I bring “Famous Jameis” to justice for the wrongs he done me? – Barry Chichester of Bowling Green, Kentucky

Barry, all’s fair in love and wagering. When you make a gentleman’s bet on a game (though neither you nor your father-in-law, regardless of his relation to your ex, are gentlemen) you are taking the end result of the game in full faith of the proceedings, IfuckingE – unless you have it written in the fine print that cheating should render the wager null & void, you are out of luck. Deal with it. And really… don’t bet against Jameis as long as he is in the college ranks. When Jameis starts quarterbacking the Raiders or Buccaneers in 2015, bet heavily against him. No sooner.

Vic, I am a big fan of the television show, The Walking Dead. I am curious as to which character you think you are most like (my guess is Daryl!) and what strategy you would have in a zombie-apocalypse world. Could you humor me in my sci-fi-horror fantasy hypotheticals? – Tanya of Bitter Oaks, Virginia

Michonne chopping heads off and shit

Michonne chopping heads off and shit

Tanya, I hate to burst your fantasy bubble, but I would be nothing like Daryl in The Walking Dead. Daryl is a redneck biker with a crossbow. I am a pizza-delivery guy who was once on his high school math team. If there is any one character I resemble on The Walking Dead, it would most certainly be Michonne with her dreadlocks and samurai katana blade. Fuck yeah! If I were to have a strategy in the zombie apocalypse, it would involve a strong body of water. I am surprised Rick and his team has not figured this out yet. Find yourself an island and raise zombie stakes on the beach to impale an aquatic invasion. If push comes to shove, swim, surf, paddleboard out to sea… the undead will just walk under the waves and perhaps be picked apart by barracuda. The next spinoff for The Walking Dead should be in Southern California and feature the cast of Point Break. Patrick Swayze isn’t around to surf or dirty dance anymore, so we will have to recast with a bunch of millennial actors (though Swayze’s ‘Bodhitsatva’ character should be Gen X aged, perhaps a bleached Joaquin Phoenix with Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Special Agent Utah). It could be called The Walking Dead: Point Break. Perfect. Surf or Die, baby.

A hipster is someone speaking as the authority on a minority’s superiority over a majority. The subject matter is inconsequential; it is the minority viewpoint which the hipster wields as a cross to bear. Once the particular viewpoint leaves society’s periphery and becomes commonplace, the hipster, by decree, must evacuate all pretense of support for the formerly minority position and find the moral high ground by establishing a position on something newly outlandish, and perhaps, illogical.

Such fluid of a philosophy is as taxing on the physiological state as it is mentally. In fact, 98% of hipsters die of either spontaneous combustion or age (in which, I mean they undergo metamorphosis into a person with a 401k plan who doesn’t begin drinking on Sunday until it is past noon).

In my anthropological studies of this demographic in the hipster-dense region of the Pacific Northwest, I have learned a majority of hipsters will refuse to be labelled as “hipster” and will instead point to another individual who bears similar uncomfortable clothes and atypical fashion accessories, claiming this other is hipster. It is paramount in hipster for there to be minimal effort in a hipster’s self-stylization which requires hipsters to shun hipster because to admit to hipster is to admit to efforts at being hipster. Hipsters would only admit to their appearance resembling hipster characteristics as a result of an occurrence accidental and this admittance would be absolutely unapologetic (even when in the wrong, to apologize would be a sign of weakness, unless apologizing as a form of hyperbole for an exaggerated offense beyond the control of the individual despite their happenstance relationship within the offending party, e.g., apologizing on behalf of Americans for atrocities against other races, creeds, sexes, etc. in which case “I apologize for being a white man” is t-shirt slogan a female hipster might wear semi-ironically over a ratty sweater she bartered for with a rag-and-bone-man in exchange for unfiltered cigarettes).

Cyrus Lee Hancock is an interesting case study as the subject possesses various hipster mannerisms while also occupying qualities entirely not hipster. Given the self-denial logic of hipster recognition, a true hipster would indeed strive to become trans-hipster, exceeding the essence of understood hipster. It is with this in mind we might conjecture the “Alpha-Hipster”, the ultimate hipster, would reject as much of realm of hipster as does Cyrus Lee Hancock does.

Cyrus Lee Hancock is greatly antagonized by the hipster gentrification of East Nashville, especially given his spouse’s predilection towards hipster-favored environments. He speaks of his wife, Layla, in hushed confessional tones pitched with jealousy and awe, “I call her the ‘hipster-whisperer’… she just seems to understand them, to be able to communicate with them.”

As for Cyrus Lee Hancock? He shrugs, “hipsters are good for target practice.”

Despite his antagonism, or perhaps in spite of his antagonism, Cyrus Lee Hancock cannot defend the various characteristics he has in common with the elusively categorized hipster:

  • He is snarky
  • He is stubborn
  • He is heavily tattooed
  • He is self-deprecating
  • He likes quality beer
  • He likes low-quality beer*
  • He peacocks his appreciation for classic literature
  • He likes alternative music
  • He is sympathetic towards Palestine

*Yes – hipsters appreciate quality beer and low-quality beer. While this might seem counter-intuitive, it fits entirely within the hipster worldview – either extreme in the beer quality spectrum is a minority position. Imagine the bell curve of quality by popularity – it is the vast majority who favors the moderate quality mass-produced beer and thus it is the moderate quality beer that is ultimately rejected by hipsters. Herein is a counter-argument towards Cyrus Lee Hancock’s status as hipster as he is an outspoken proponent of Coors Light which is an entirely un-hipster position to hold. Although, one could argue Cyrus Lee’s affinity for craft ales (high end), domestic mass-produced common lager (common) and low-grade rusted can nickel beer (low end) is more demonstrative of schizophrenia than it is a litmus test of his hipstery.

Let us now examine the anti-hipster traits exhibited by our case study, Cyrus Lee Hancock:

    Cyrus Lee Hancock is new and improved with bigger tires

    Cyrus Lee Hancock is new and improved with bigger tires

  • He drives a tank of a truck which requires obscene amounts of gasoline which exacerbates global warming and American dependence on exploiting developing nations for their oil. This is very not hipster.
  • He is politically unprogressive. Conservative, even. He despises liberals, liberalism and libraries.
  • He hordes guns and ammunition. He abhors gun control.
  • He doesn’t tweet or Facebook or Instagram or object himself to social media of any sort
  • He doesn’t have any gay friends (though he is ‘totally cool with it’)
  • He married a cheerleader (a position only a hipster could oppose)
  • He has a dog of an aggressive breed associated with fascism whose namesake is derived from a TopGun character
  • He doesn’t listen to vinyl, have facial hair or wear second hand clothes
  • He’s never been to Trader Joes and cannot comprehend the Starbucks menu
  • He doesn’t ride a bicycle, appreciate art or like Quentin Tarantino movies
  • He does not eat vegan, gluten free, fruitarian or any restrictive diet at all
  • He doesn’t drink coffee

While accepting the various discrepancies between the mannerisms of Cyrus Lee Hancock and that of the prototypical hipster, I would challenge anyone granting him a hipster-free status. Based on the fluidic nature of hipster policy, Cyrus Lee Hancock might just be the Alpha Hipster – the absolute zenith of hipster. Perhaps, even, just perhaps it is Layla’s appreciation for things hipster that allows her to put up with her husband during his grocery aisle rants and laundry tantrums – because these acts are so hipster.

CLH's M4 engravings

CLH’s M4 engravings

Let us examine closer Cyrus Lee Hancock’s obsessive gluttony for firearms. This is un-hipster. However, he has engraved on his M4 Carbine the retro sci-fi onomatopoeia term reserved for the noise a laser-gun makes pew pew pew along with the snarky safety setting ‘no pew’ for when the weapon is unable to discharge. What’s more, he has another engraving on his M4 of an airman which is an allusion to the classic lit anti-war sardonic novel by Joseph Heller, Catch-22. Cyrus Lee Hancock, in his engravings, is not just mocking war and violence, but he is referencing retro science fiction and classical literature while he is at it. This is pure Alpha Hipster.

In conclusion Cyrus Lee Hancock is so hipster, he transcends hipster.

Somebody is watching you...

Somebody is watching you, it is the NSA

You are being watched. The WashPost has recently disclosed that the NSA is collecting billions of records each day as it traces you via your cell phone. You, dear reader, may go off the grid if you like… and when you do, please tell the 20th Century I said “howdy”. Otherwise, keep your cell phone as a member of contemporary society and just deal with the fact you are being watched, scrutinized and likely laughed at for your under-par grammar skills and the ill-timed selfies you keep sharing with the intern.

What’s that you say, friend? Why would the NSA track you when you haven’t done anything wrong? Why, when you are one of the good guys? Well, sure… but,

First of all – the NSA is the security apparatus of the Establishment. To be a good guy in their eyes, you have to suckle up to the twisted tit of the status quo. Bon appétit with that wicked teat, mon frere. The NSA is quite simply antidisestablishmentarian and yes the entire purpose of this paragraph was to write “antidisestablishmentarian” at least once. Scrabble that, Sis!

Thirdly (because I forgot my second point) – the NSA already knows who the bad guys are, it is looking for the friends of bad guys. The WashPost calls this “Co Traveler Analytics” (click on the washpost site, it is a worthwhile diagram). The cell phone in your pocket sends out signals to cell phone towers and those cell phone towers, in turn, send idiotic text responses right back. By feeding off of all this commotion, the NSA can see where nearly everyone is at any time. They aren’t just following targets; they are looking for co-travelers of those targets.

Of course, targets on the President’s Christmas Hit List are of a different category and really they are just living long enough for the next drone to finish charging up via whatever Yemeni electrical converters may be necessary. No, the “targets” we are talking about are a step beneath these dead men walking: your Green Peace pirate, your Tea Party sloganeer, your Conspiracy Theory bloggist. These are the targets the NSA already has a dossier on. Where YOU come in is the tangential relationship.

(No, not trans-genital you perverse guttersnipe!, tangential means “in tangent to”…)

For example, if you see me at a bus stop and we both take the bus to the mall and then naturally eat at the same food-court and then take the bus back from whence we came, the NSA will circle your name as a co-traveler of the target. Something that might seem coincidental might just earn you a red-flag in the NSA’s scrapbook. Oh settle down, fellow traveler! Don’t fret over riding the bus with me, you were red-flagged long ago when you first read my blog or set-up a dating profile on my now defunct Huey Lewis fan dating site, http://www.IfThisIsIt.com (please don’t tell me you just clicked on a site I already told you was defunct).

And you thought you were watching Lady Gaga

And you thought you were watching Lady Gaga

Fear not, fellow paranoid! I come bearing gifts. What follows is a list of measures you might take – not to elude the NSA (the National Security Agency, or as they were known last century, “No Such Agency”), as you cannot elude them long enough to read this blog while remaining on the grid. No, nay, never. Rather, the purpose of this list of measures is to confuse the NSA. It is better for THEM to think you are where you are not than to not see you and really start sniffing.

This list was inspired by a rendezvous I had with a childhood friend, Lily Kudzu. I was man seeking affirmation I was the same Victor Neverman as the faded memory of my childhood when Lo! and Behold! I learn that Lily’s ex-husband was an agent of the Military Industrial Intelligence Complex. Of course, his business card read “purveyor of dental implants”, but that is obviously coded-doublespeak for “gaddam spook!”

The rendezvous of childhood friends, Vic & Lily, after innumerable years is a curious read. You may read it… here.

Without further ado…

MEASURES YOU MIGHT TAKE TO CONFUSE THE NSA’S TRACKING METHODOLOGY UNTIL THEY TOO READ THIS BLOG AND COMPENSATE FOR THE FLIES IN THEIR FASCIST OINTMENT

Anti-Co Traveler Analytics

Local Cell Phone Co-Op:

Create a community of phone sharers outside your normal social/work network and then trade phones on a regular basis. If there are 7 members of the community, develop a schedule of who will have which phone when so that each member of the telephony commune will know which phone to forward calls/messages too. Sure, it makes it difficult to figure out who is sexting you and whom they think they are sexting, but so is life: difficult and kinda kinky. BENEFITS: the NSA thinks they are tracking you, when they are actually tracking any one of seven different people.

National Cell Phone Transit Centers:

Create a community of phone participants in different regions to not share phones, but rather keep them in transit. Each participant would have multiple cell phones always turned “on” which they would mail to various participants via ground shipping, while keeping one local. The NSA would have to track several different cell phones and think You were on several different simultaneous road-trips at all times. Yay! way to blow their fucking mind!

Max Headroom fanatics may be the only people you can truly trust

Max Headroom fanatics may be the only people you can truly trust

Omnium-Gatherum of other Confusion Measures

  • On various social networking websites, post contradicting pictures of yourself. You in a wig is not contradictory enough, be sure the alternate pictures have different cheekbones, with eye/nose/ear placement at different angles. BETTER YET, make the pictures someone else entirely. This will confuse the Facial Recognition software Facebook already has in place and the data they then sell to Intelligence services.
  • Turn your GPS on in your phone device while taking photos of yourself with alternate geographical backgrounds, which you then publish online with conflicting coordinates.
  • File tax returns in states you never lived in.
  • Fly to foreign destinations and never leave the airport, let alone go through customs. Just read foreign language magazines and pay for a third-world massage as you wait for your flight home five days hence.
  • Setup multiple social networking profiles with same name & different face, with same face and different name and then friend yourselves.
  • Setup multiple profiles on dating networks. Especially varying ethno-religious sites (Jewish, Catholic, African-American, Just-Farmers, Ashley Madison, etc., etcetera). Go with same name/different face & same face/different name strategy as varying sexes and varying sexual persuasions (e.g. I am Victor(ia) looking for married Mormon Farmer Lesbian Sister-Wives, etc. etcetera) and then date yourself.
  • Setup checking accounts at different banks. Withdraw $10,000 and fill out the Currency Transaction Report, then deposit $9,999.99 at another bank, asking for 1 cent returned from the cashier’s check produced by the originating financial institution. Deposit that 1 cent back at the originating bank.
  • Use voice-modifiers on Skype and use your voice when logged in as other people on Skype. Hire scripted actors to make personal calls with your voice on Skype. Create a Skye account with Max Headroom and prank call your local Citizens Watch.
  • Join a genealogy network and submit someone else’s cotton swabbed DNA sample. Then join as someone else and submit your own DNA. Send Xenophobic messages between your alter-identities until you are all banned from the site. Join a new site.
  • Renew driver’s license every year and change your political affiliation then vote against the assigned affiliation every year.
  • Get rewards club membership at competing grocery stores. Buy all meats at the organic produce friendly store and all produce at the butcher friendly store. Buy your alcohol and Nyquil in cash-only.
  • Sign-up for multi-player online gaming and pay a kid in Malaysia to play as you for 20 hours a day. Then adopt the child, import him to the United States and pay him to impersonate you at the office.
  • Open a twitter account and have every tweet be anti-you. For example, my alternate account would tweet:
    • “I h8 white people who drive Japanese cars #unpatriotic”
    • “Anyone born on xx/xx/19xx sucks #loser”
    • “I don’t trust bearded men under the age of 50 #creepy”
    • “What a beautiful day! #thanksNSA or #globalwarming”
    • “JFK is dead #getoverit”
    • Open a second twitter account to troll everything the original says
      • “Whatevs, Nazi #nazi”
      • “Dick. #look#in#the#mirror”
      • “LMFAO. Psyche! #NotLOL”

Proverbs for Paranoids, no4: You hide, They seek.

― Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow

The age of the domestic drone is upon us. Look at the greasy General Tso-stained Zodiac chart under your fried rice, right after the Year of the Kinky Monkey comes this: the Year of the Domestic Drone.  And here the cycle ends; there is no Year of the Bloated Pig to follow and save us. The Drones are here to stay. Settle in for the long kiss goodnight, at least to your personal liberties…

To Protect and To Serve and To Watch and To Record and To Cite your shitty Parking

To Protect and To Serve and To Watch and To Record and To Cite your shitty Parking

Fortunately for us domesticated suburbanites, there are test rats who’ve been under the rule of the iron-fisted sky for years. From these infidels, we may learn a trick or two on how to evade the omnipresent eye of Big Brother. Behold – the captured Mali Papers, detailing Al Qaeda advice for avoiding drones. This is part two, see my previous drone blog on the first six rules which seem to be sponsored by the Russian Vladimir’s Secret Lingerie and Electronic Gizmo Catalog. If you are pro-domestic drone, then perhaps my introduction into the subject is the place to start to learn why you are misled.

Note: this is advice for Americans against a potential fascist dystopia in the near distant future. I certainly do not condone the douchery that inspired these Mali Papers in the first place.

Below are tactics 7 through 22 along with Vic Neverman’s personal comments:

Al Qaeda Anti-Drone Tactics (7 – 22), courtesy of the Associated Press

7 – Using general confusion methods and not to use permanent headquarters.

One can only imagine what jihadists consider to be “general confusion.” 3000 years ago, the I-Ching mentions, “Chaos – where brilliant dreams are born.” This is more than fortune cookie inspiration. The drone evader must be irrational. I am not saying set your pants on fire… but on 2nd thought, why not? The drones overhead are piloted either by some algorithm that never saw you coming or some bored pilot who is easily distracted by flaming pants or nude beaches.

It may not be easy to live a domesticated suburban life without a permanent headquarters, but it is possible to switch up your goings-on. Don’t frequent the same bar every Monday Night. Look at online porn at different public libraries. Nap on different park benches. Keep things new and fresh.

8 – Discovering the presence of a drone through well-placed reconnaissance networks and to warn all the formations to halt any movement in the area.

Don't stand anywhere your reflection can be seen from the Moon. Like the freakin' Space Bean of Chicago.

Don’t stand anywhere your reflection can be seen from the Moon. Like the freakin’ Space Bean of Chicago.

Setting up social media could work for routine drone dodging, but a backup plan must be in place should shit hit the fan and the social networks go off-line. Many hysterical conspiracy nuts fear a One World Order’s attempt to subdue We the People and, well, should this occur THEY (the 1-worlders) could pull all stops and shut down the web and cell towers. That is why there is nothing better than a little ham radio. Be sure to pick out a catchy handle like “Jimmy Two-Shoe”, “Goodfoote” or “Bacon Longstrider”.

9 – To hide from being directly or indirectly spotted, especially at night.

Hiding from being directly spotted is a no-brainer, but what the hell does it mean to be “indirectly spotted”? Simple… avoid places that will broadcast your reflection. Or your whereabouts on the web. Turn off your GPS device – they only dumb you down anyway. How do you think you are so easily followed? It is because that Aussie-accented vixen giving you directions is also setting up your own bloody roadblock.

10 – To hide under thick trees because they are the best cover against the planes.

F'ing Predator! He's invisible and he can see in the dark.

F’ing Predator! He’s invisible and he can see in the dark.

Bullshit. The jihadists obviously did not grow-up watching as much HBO as I did. Take the movie, Predator. What do you think the Predator Drone is named after? The crazy son-of-a-bitch alien that hunted Arnold “Dutchy” Swartzeneggar in some Central American hellhole. After Arnold cooked that bitch, the Army took the alien technology and used it in drones to search via infrared and other cool shit like that. Trees, no matter how thick, can’t save you from the Predator.

11 – To stay in places unlit by the sun such as the shadows of the buildings or the trees.

Darkness is overrated. Drones can see in the dark. Better advice is to be moving where there is much movement. When you are one flotsam in the currents of humanity, it is much harder to pick you out.

12 – Maintain complete silence of all wireless contacts.

Then why have wireless contacts? Maintain complete silence when you believe you are being followed or monitored. Then go with a reserve ham radio frequency or resort to calling on disposable phones, but only numbers that are not being monitored.

13 – Disembark of vehicles and keep away from them especially when being chased or during combat.

It would be a good idea to avoid common transport when you believe you are being followed. I only take buses and taxis and only to places I did not intend on going to in the first place.

14 – To deceive the drone by entering places of multiple entrances and exits.

Shopping malls, sports arenas, subways… though keep in mind each of these will have their own internal monitoring.

15 – Using underground shelters because the missiles fired by these planes are usually of the fragmented anti-personnel and not anti-buildings type.

If you are concerned with fragmented anti-personnel missiles then I am afraid I cannot help you. Yeah, I am just afraid.

16 – To avoid gathering in open areas and in urgent cases, use building of multiple doors or exits.

On a more covert level, if you are going to meet with someone you don’t want to be caught with, try Turkish bathhouses, brothels, other places it would be assumed you are up to other duties. If you have an important meeting, try meeting in line at the DMV. Big Brother created the DMV as a means to keep people away, THEY would never suspect you purposely meeting in line there.

Plan to meet at the DMV. No authority would ever assume you would willingly go to the DMV if you didn't have to.

Plan to meet at the DMV. No authority would ever assume you would willingly go to the DMV if you didn’t have to.

17 – Forming anti-spies groups to look for spies and agents.

Umm… not sure what kind of friends you have, but if I attempted to start mobilizing all my friends to look for spies I wouldn’t have friends much longer. Good luck with this one. Best bet is to just be critical of those who laugh at your jokes. A girl that should be out of your league who is suddenly interested in you… probably too good to be true.

18 – Formation of fake gatherings such as using dolls and statutes to be placed outside false ditches to mislead the enemy.

Maybe the jihadists did have HBO. This sounds like something straight out of Home Alone. I am not sure what good false ditches are good for.

19 – When discovering that a drone is after a car, leave the car immediately and everyone should go in different direction because the planes are unable to get after everyone.

Learn to ride a skateboard. They make for quick getaways from tailed cars. Just don’t be the first one out or you might be the first one nabbed by your pursuers who are just as happy to have one vandal who they can torture out the names of the others.

I, however, cannot balance upon a skateboard should my tailbone depend on it. Instead, I just loosen the screws on my friends skateboards and wait for them to try to escape first.

20 – Using natural barricades like forests and caves when there is an urgent need for training or gathering.

A bunch of bearded dudes gathering at Mammoth Cave National Park doesn’t sound like a good idea. If there is a need for training/gathering in private, perhaps agree to separately descend upon the same campsite out in the wilderness. Avoid plotting at Wafflehouse or Denny’s or anywhere the waitresses are smarter than they look.

21 – In frequently targeted areas, use smoke as cover by burning tires.

So much for being inconspicuous. Sure, just run over to Firestone and start setting shit ablaze… No, this is not a good idea.

22 – As for the leaders or those sought after, they should not use communications equipment because the enemy usually keeps a voice tag through which they can identify the speaking person and then locate him.

Oh yeah. Disposable phone or not, the NSA knows who you are whenever you speak. With the disposable phone without GPS, it will just take them longer to find you and burn you out of your hole. Your voice is a virtual fingerprint. Better off texting.

All I have is a voice
To undo the folded lie,
The romantic lie in the brain
Of the sensual man-in-the-street
And the lie of Authority
Whose buildings grope the sky:
There is no such thing as the State
And no one exists alone;
Hunger allows no choice
To the citizen or the police;
We must love one another or die.

– W.H.Auden, September 1st, 1939

I am frequently stopped amidst frantic rant by a listener who naively inquires, “Are domestic drones really a bad thing?” They then list several reasonable roles a drone may be able to serve patrolling our skies: enforcing speed limits, scouting for forest fires, substituting for squad cars in police car chases. Aye – valid arguments, all. A drone could even peek into your car to see if you are texting while driving (illegal in some states), receiving oral pleasures while driving (I assume this is illegal) or if you exhibit visible signs of intoxication (illegal in all states)*. Police drones make for safer streets, but once the genie is out of the bottle, he is a fat bitch to cram back in.

*Mothers Against Drunk Drivers has churned out anti-intoxicated driving propaganda for decades, so this is not a concept lost on the public. Other driving restrictions may not be so clearly spelt out. Perhaps we do need a MABJD?

To Protect and To Serve and To Watch and To Record

To Protect and To Serve and To Watch and To Record

Keep in mind, dear reader, by your mere read of this paranoid conspiracy drivel on your computer screen you are being flagged by the NSA (no such agency, shhhh) as someone who reads paranoid conspiracy drivel. My new friend, Professor Erasmus of Otter Dam Military Academy, waxed woefully about how many National Security lists he must be on for just associating himself with yours truly, Vic Neverman, as well as having a sworn blood-brother who happens to be Persian. As a person of interest, Erasmus must attempt to sleep at night knowing his physical and cyber presences are always being monitored with the collected data being filed away at the NSA Spy City Compound in Utah. Once DRONES are overhead videotaping every move of interesting persons, Erasmus (not to mention your humble narrator) will cease to live in a world where privacy exists.

Imagine this – if the British Empire had drones, all of the Revolutionary Ambitions of our Founding Fathers would have been squashed like a grape (seedless, of course). If John, Paul, George and Ringo (Adams, Revere, Washington and Benny “Ringo” Franklin) had to deal with drones, all of their subversive machinations would have been for naught and we would all be speaking German right now (because the Brits wouldn’t have had the USA to bail them out of 20th Century wars). Nicht sehr gut, ja?

Assuming the inevitable – that the stage is set for a dystopian future of fascist police state policies (that is, if you doubt we already exist in such a state), I am writing a series of posts dedicated on how to maneuver unseen/unheard/unfelt and become a wallflower ventriloquist with an ace up your sleeve and a rabbit in the hat.

My first post is a nostalgic piece on Old Man Neverman and his efforts in alluding oppressive authority in the 1980s.

I will also have posts that examine the tactics of the ultimate drone lab rats – Al Qaeda. These are split into two pieces – the silly technical advice on which Russian drone-deterrents your run-of-the-mill terrorist might buy & then common “duck and run” strategies for avoiding detection from the overhead menace.

Soon, I will be posting my hypothesis that the introduction of reality television was a government plot to acclimate the American Public to eternal scrutiny of the omnipresent cameras of the Police State.

Good Luck and Godspeed!

-Vic