Archive for the ‘Futurism’ Category

They say history is cyclical. Certainly music, film, and television sitcoms seem to be the second-hand cigarette of yesteryear’s stamped-out tobacco, so why wouldn’t history be similarly recycled? If ‘they’ be right about the cyclicality, then all one must do in order to predict the future sequence of events is be able to discern the path with which the coincidental foci of the ellipse travels. Ha! To quote Euclids, ‘easier said than done, you little sycophantic Pythagoran hustler’. I daren’t even try to unweave the riddled cycle… or… dare I?

Alas, I, Vic Neverman, futurist to the stars, am coming forward to provide you, dear reader, my forecast for 2012. Using my knowledge of passed past, my insight into the present and my irritable bowel syndrome for the future, I have come up with a set of predictions I feel Edgar Cayce could only dream about*!

*An inside joke amongst us futurists, Drowsy-Ed was also known as ‘the sleeping prophet’

So, without any more build-up outside the thudding drumroll of my fingertips upon the keyboard, I present my predictions:

1 – The Mayan Calendar date that is approximately 12/21/2012 signifies a new age, but it will not bring the end of the world. Of course, any sensical conspiracy theorist knows that promoting gold gets you endorsements from the hawkers and that substantiating doomsday rumors increases your readership, but that does not mean these activities are morally justified? The Mayans do not believe the end of the world is coming, so why should Vic? Better yet, why should you?

2 – An expose piece by the Washington Post will reveal that the spiced fowl appendages we have all been eating at Buffalo Wild Wings come from the genetic freak of a six-winged chicken engineered by those Frankensteinian mad scientists at Mansanto, evil motherfuckers they are.

3 – ‘Occupy the Democratic National Convention’ will be infiltrated by agent provocateurs who will turn to violence, which will incite some random circumstantial police brutality. The resulting outrage will taint Obama’s chances of re-election.

4 – 2011 was the year of the drone as our remote control assassins and spies were busy in East Africa, North Africa, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and gods know where else. Even back inside the domestic borders, Miami and Houston police have contracted for ‘flying lawn mowers’ to patrol overhead. 2012 will be different, though. 2012 will be the year… of the spy blimp.

5 – Vlad Putin will win the Presidency of Russia after a brief hiatus as Prime Minister. Of course, the only way this victory will come is through bribery, extortion, and beatings. Many beatings. All courtesy of the KGB school of electioneering.

6 – I remember in the past when futurists told me I would be eating more tacos than hamburgers and using more hot sauce than ketchup. Those predictions seemed silly at the time. Lo and behold, I just had Korean BBQ Tacos out of a mobile restaurant in a gas station parking lot. So what is next in gastro-predictions? By 2020, 80% of our fastfood nutrition will be hidden inside of an egg roll. Forget children, egg rolls are our future. In 2012, the stock price for Hot Pockets will sky-rocket.

7 – Illegal phone applications will utilize facial recognition software, allowing its piratical users to identify strangers on a plane, shoppers in line, patrons at a bar, all by taking a quick snapshot via camera phone. Do not be surprised when you receive a facebook message in 2012 from a complete stranger, “hey, saw you on the opposite sidewalk and couldn’t get your attention, but wanted to say ‘hi’. So HI there… :)”

8 – Robo-Talk!!! Vic Neverman loves to think where robotics will be in the next year. I especially can’t wait until it is socially acceptable to tell the NeverMum I have been married all along to a Japanese automaton who is programmed to cook me crepes and perform other ‘jobs’ around the house. Until then, I foresee:
8.a) robo-hands will be used by TSA for frisking passengers at the airport
8.b) online dating sites will hopefully begin including a new group for robotic companions, which will also be available for purchase.
8.c) pizza and burritos will still require the delicacy of the animated hand, but robots will soon be flipping our burgers and frying our potato sticks.
8.d) living pets will become less relevant as furry robots will be able to reproduce their animalistic charm without the odorous byproduct.

9 – WikiLeaks will reveal President Eisenhower met with the Emperor of the Greys (those almond-eyed, naked, grey-skinned aliens) and made a peace treaty stipulating an allowance for alien harvesting and testing of human subjects and livestock. Considering Ike’s other options, we will call this the greatest presidential bargain since Seward’s Folly.

10 – It will be learned the Vic Neverman blog was nothing more than a Stuxnet cyber-worm burrowing into your computer and creating random gibberish upon your screen in order to keep you from creating your own nuclear weapon arsenal.

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Any self-respecting conspiracy theorist will make forecasts for an upcoming year. It takes a theorist with some serious cunning to be accurate and some serious balls to take it public. Should ‘cunning’ be at a lack, it takes a theorist with a high threshold for pain to actually go on and later review the predictions of the year that was/was not.

Welcome to the Vic Neverman 2011-in-Review Predictions Blog!

While I didn’t formally ‘publish’ any predictions around this time last year, the following list would have been the predictions I would have published if I were not so damned busy crossing river streams to keep the scent of the hounds off my ass, or, for that matter, the scent of my ass off of the hounds.

Now you, dear reader, may say “Hey… Vic, how do I know you were actually predicting the below predictions and are not just making these up?” In which case I would respond, “If I were making these up, wouldn’t I have a greater success rate?” Besides, you don’t doubt me when I paraphrase my father’s high school diary…

“Dear Diary… or future son that I will likely name Victor Ulysses after his grandmother and who may find this diary, and then lose it, and then have to guess at what it’s original contents might be… I read that Jack Kennedy is planning to print off money outside of the Federal Reserve. Jeez, the last time a president printed interest-free cash, it was a curtain call for Mr. Lincoln. I don’t see this ending well.”

So in Neverman tradition, here were my 2011 predictions:

1 – Despite whatever Harold Camping says, the world will not end May 21st, 2011. (I nailed this one, though I do recognize the possibility Jesus could have raptured his chosen and left diabolical dopplegangers in their place – VN)

2 – The Bilderberg Group will pick a GOP candidate from amongst the guests at their annual brouhaha to oppose Obama, and thus, hedge their bets that they will still be the puppet-masters of the world. The BG party guest that will run as Republican nominee is Rick Perry. (Fail… but it was looking good for a while – VN)

3 – The NeverBrother-in-Law, a government-contracted spook, will attempt to frame me, Vic Neverman, in some sort of white collar criminal act, but at least I will go to a nice prison with good gruel. (He’s probably waiting until after the holidays – VN)

4 – China will use their weather manipulation device to send multiple hurricanes to the American Southeast and bankrupt the insurance industry. (Another miss… unless we counter-attacked with our own weather manipulation device)

5 – Obama’s birth certificate will be proven genuine, but we will learn Madonna is not actually English. (Only half-right, but what a relief to learn Madonna is really English)

6 – Osama bin Laden will be found in a New Jersey apartment, but only as a creepy automaton for the sake of producing al Qaeda videos. The real Osama, we will learn, is locked in the bathroom on the International Space Station and no one can talk him out. (Miss, but the bin Laden robot might still be in Jersey City, lying about like a rejected prop piece from Disney’s ‘Small World After All’ ride)

7 – Due to gas prices, the American populace will turn to light rail and riding segue ways to work. (Miss)

8 – Tom Cruise will claim to do his own stunt work, but it will only prove to be one of his expendable clones. (Not enough information, but I am hoping for revelations to come out of ‘The Making of Mission Impossible 4: The Mission Is Impossible Again’ which is bound to be on HBO any day now)

9 – Obama will invade Iran to further his dream of a Persian Autobahn from Baghdad to Kabul. (Invasion on hold)

10 – The Tea Party will split from the GOP Establishment and create a third party, which all of the Republicans will eventually join and elect old GOP Establishment types to be candidates. (I have no idea what actually happened, but these are the best Republican debates ever)

11 – Space Tourism will suffer a setback when the first astro-tourists return disappointed, claiming space is just filled with space. We, however, will all know that they saw far more than just the void and that whatever it is they did see does not want them saying anything more. (No space tourists, but this sounds like a good prediction for 2013!)

12 – Arab States will be so impressed by the European economic recovery, they will decide to adopt their own multi-national currency called the Arabi. The colorful notes will feature several of their inspiring leaders like Qaddafi and Mubarak, as well as have a blank spot on the one-thousand Arabi note referencing Mohammed’s forbidden image. (Big miss)