Archive for the ‘Confidence Games’ Category

“What’s this?”
FullSizeRenderHalf-awake and semi-puzzled, I eye-balled the hand-held smart telephony device. Eye-balled in the singular – mind you, dear reader – not plural. Both mine eyes were too dehydrated from Wednesday’s rum to be open simultaneously, so instead I hopped from one eye to the next and back again, scanning the dark & ominous font rising out of the bright illumination of my hand-held smart telephony device as I (or at least the mortal vessel which encompassed I) rose from the coyote’s den in search of a pot to piss in and, subsequently, caffeine. My mind attempted to make sense of the flotsam, jetsam, et al, of loose thoughts at play in the ebbing tide of my morning as I studied the message aboard my hand-held smart telephony device.

“An email from the Illuminati? How unlikely for such an unassuming Thursday.”

illuminati5

Lo! from the Illuminati it was. Not only did the message claim so, but it was attempting to woo me out of the shadows and wed me to the Enlightenment. Yee Gods! what took THEM so long? Obviously, I was a prime candidate – having studied THEM, spied on THEM, spat in THEIR general direction for the majority of what life I have thus far undertook. Not only that, but I had the Renaissance qualities of a well-rounded dude: educated in finance, weathered from love, embalmed in booze, marinaded in the sweat enforced by a dozen jungles, steeped in classical verse of the rock gods, naïve to naught, everybody’s stranger, cynical to a fault and recognized as an expert navigator by the International Guild of Pizza Delivery – one would have thought the Masters of the Universe would have scoped me out by now. Perhaps my bloodline was too watered down for their liking and they have only reached now! in desperation?

Is DISNEY a platform for the Illuminati?

Is DISNEY a platform for the Illuminati?

Just go ahead and gaze upon the wonder of their encouraging solicitation yourself! (NOTE: the below is unadulterated and exists in its original form, for all its grammatically-challenged glory and truly received on an unassuming Thursday)

Do you want to be a member of Illuminati as a brotherhood that will make you rich and famous in the world and have power to control people in the high place in the worldwide .Are you a business man or woman,artist, political, musician, student, do you want to be rich, famous, powerful in life, join the Illuminati brotherhood cult today and get instant rich sum of. 2 million dollars in a week, and a free home.any where you choose to live in this world and also get 3000 U.S dollars monthly as a salary %u2026 BENEFITS GIVEN TO NEW MEMBERS WHO JOIN ILLUMINATI.1 A Cash Reward of USD $50,000 USD 2. A New Sleek Dream CAR valued at USD $30,000 USD 3.A Dream House bought in the country of your own choice 4. One Month holiday (fully paid) to your dream tourist destination. 5.One year Golf Membership package 6.A V.I.P treatment in all Airports in the World 7.A total Lifestyle change 8.Access to Bohemian Grove 9.Monthly payment of $1,000,000 USD into your bank account every month as a member 10.One Month booked Appointment with Top 5 world Leaders and Top 5 Celebrities in the World. If you are interested email mr james at jamesilluminati666@gmail.com or call +2348160153010

Yes, Mr James! Yes I want “power to control people in the high place in the worldwide” because that sounds fan-bloody-fucking-tastic! And tell me more about this “BENEFITS” numbero dos about the “new sleek dream car” valued at $30,000 – is it a Camry with a moon roof? Please tell me “yes”!

Hmm… you & me, dear reader: let us not fool ourselves. The Illuminati does not recruit. Not from amongst us proles, us common torch & pitchfork peasantry. The Illuminati indoctrinates from within. My father, Old Neverman, was not landholding elite. He was U.S. Marine spawned riffraff. And Mum’s old clan had plenty of land in the 1950s, but Disney bought it out from under them for cents on the buck to build something near Orlando, not sure what. I have Gypsy, Cherokee, Irish, Scotch and rum in my veins, not Rockefeller, Rothschild, Reptilian, Windsor or Merovingian. How about you, dear reader? I suspect the Illuminati does not recruit the likes of us. Should THEY find a worthwhile talent outside THEIR genepool, THEY merely mercilessly bribe, extort, kidnap, brainwash, torture or clone a DNA replica of said worthwhile talent. THEY’d never let someone as ill-bred and undereducated as us into their incestuous genepool. I mean, no offense, dear reader…

Truth is: this email is a con.

There once was a Bavarian Illuminati who were anti-religionists and pro-reason, yet were run out of Munich by the powers that then were. Ambrose Bierce, the great American author of “The Devil’s Dictionary” in the 1880s, defined Illuminati as “A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the 16th century; so called because they were light weights – cunctationes illuminati”. In today’s media, “Illuminati” is a broad term used to describe any secret power-brokers – be they regal, capitalist elites, Freemasons, leftists, Lebron James, etc. In recent years, there has been a boon of exposure to the Illuminati through art. I once discussed at great length the use of Illuminati symbolism in contemporary music: in the post-9/11 world, the new generation of Millennial is being brought up on uncertainty and they crave any sort of power structure – even if it is malevolent. Artists, such as Kanye West, Beyonce and Katy Perry, have catered to this desire, declaring themselves – subtly or not – to be the new Illuminati. Wanting to believe in Order over Chaos, the Millennial Generation has bought in, entirely.

The sharks have tasted blood…

Mr. James is a con-man. If you, dear reader, receive the same message I did, I advise you do not respond. Giggle if it is in your nature, chuckle otherwise. Move along.

Yes, but what if you went down the rabbit hole? Is the curiosity tearing at your loins as it oft does mine? Rejoice! dear reader for I have dove into said rabbit hole so you do not have to. What am I, if not a bad man to give good advice? Here it is: don’t go there. It’s dank and smells of closets best unopened.

After initial contact with Mr. James, you could expect a few rounds of email correspondence as he builds up your trust in his scam. It will be apparent Mr. James’s first language is not English as you read his prose, but then this is about world elitism, not merry-old England – right? So you shrug off his improper punctuation and references to the wrong sex when improperly addressing you. Then comes the first questionnaire.

A con-man is patient. Mr. James is not going to ask for your bank account information right off the bat like some Nigerian Prince. No, Mr. James is going to build a rapport. He is going to engage in “phishing” and “social engineering” to stick his greasy fingers down your gullet before he turns you inside-out looking for loose change.

The questionnaire will ask innocent enough things, such as:

  • Do you believe in capital punishment, yes or no?
  • Do you believe Eugenics is the best path towards population control, yes or no?
  • On a scale of 1 – 10, how religious are you with 1 being atheist and 10 being lemming?
  • On a scale of 1 – 10, how amoral are you with 1 being polite and 10 being bestial?
  • Would you be sexually aroused by engaging in congress with a partner who is masked, yes or no?

illuminatiAll fine and good. A week after responding, an email will congratulate you on the Illuminati’s increased interest in bringing you into the fold. Not only are THEY intrigued by you, but you are a candidate to be an apprentice initiated into the Sacred Order of the Dragon. Damn Skippy. The next round of questioning is less about your disposition and more about your preferences.

The second questionnaire will inquire:

  • Any allergens to shellfish or penicillin?
  • Any aversion to lying with an unclean woman?
  • Any aversion to lying with an unclean man?
  • What sort of preference might you have for a partner: Red, Brunette, Blonde? (please prioritize as red-headed virgins are hard to come by)
  • On a scale of 1 – 10, what is your age preference in a partner with 1 being under and 10 being elder?
  • What hat-size do you wear?

You’ve just won the Illuminati Sweepstakes!

Of course, you have spent the better part of a month answering asinine questions and day-dreaming about steam-bathing with power-brokers like the Trump, Beyonce and Kanye, by now, you are chomping at the bit to gain entry. Once the formal invitation arrives, with stipulations, you are overcome with ecstatic joy. All the Illuminati needs, so THEY say in their fanciful embroidery, is a DNA swab taken from the inside of your mouth. THEY just need to ensure you are not related to Obama or Carrot Top. The swab kit is en route courtesy of priority mail! In fact, regardless of your DNA results, THEY would like to send you $50,000 of Good Faith cash. THEY want you to know that if things do not work out, THEY still care about you. So how about $64,500 since you’ve been so patient? Why not? Okay – just provide your checking account number and routing number… a week later… THEY’ve had difficulties accessing your account. Your bank representative has told THEM you need to provide a PIN number before THEY can transfer the Good Faith cash. What is your debit card number and PIN? You should expect to see this transfer on the next business day. And the cotton swabs should be delivered any day now…

There will be transfers, alright. Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all to hell. You do not need the Illuminati any more than they need you. Yes, it did look good on my LinkedIn resume: Initiate into the Secret Order of the Dragon. Yes, I know you were fantasizing of telling off your boss, “Look here, man! I’m kind of a big deal now. So back off! I know things, man, things I can’t blink out. Things that would give you night terrors and soil your sheets. So back off or I will set my henchmen upon you!” But alas, the Illuminati – whoever they are – are not knocking on your front door. It’s just a scam.

Advertisements