History of the Future: Neverman Predictions for 2014

Posted: January 4, 2014 in Futurism
Tags: , , , , , ,

1/4/14

Vic in the Amazon

Vic in the Amazon

In the Amazon, I had a machete-artist of a trailblazer who spoke the language of birds. He would emit various guttural calls to macaws, egrets, toucans. Within moments, the winged & unseen voices would reply from their secretive nooks betwixt the jungle. I asked my Indian wife (a marriage of convenience, legally-binding only in Peru – mind you… and your sister, should she be so disposed) to ask my steadfast guide in their shared indigenous tongue what fowl message he was receiving from the birdfolk. Roberto would smile his gold-toothed smile at us and interpret the avian squawk. What do the birds say? “When comes the jaguar”.

Hmm, I contemplated whilst stroking the beard grown strictly to be stroked within contemplation. This was strange black magic fuckery, indeed!

Turkish Espresso: a looking glass into the future

Turkish Espresso: a looking glass into the future

In a gas-station outside Ankara, a Turkish woman divined my future by reading the sediment remaining in my coffee cup. I wish I could understand her Turkish like I understood the message I read in Chicago from a fortune cookie that told me to “Duck!” Tarot readers, Gypsy palmists and psychic mediums have all told me the same thing: my “dark and secretive nature” would bring me to ruin. Nice advice, but paranoia, like pregnant housekeepers, cannot be unscrewed.

My point, if there is to be one, is that prophecy surrounds us.

Fear prophets, Adso, and those prepared to die for the truth, for as a rule they make many others die with them, often before them, at times instead of them.

–Umberto Eco, The Name of the Rose

I, Vic Neverman, however, am not a prophet. To read the ripples of a cannonball before it hits the water – this is prophecy. I, rather, am a futurist. A futurist sees the burning fuse of the cannon pointing out to sea and predicts a splash. No prophet, I am just a gambler. Albeit, a lousy gambler; my guestimate of 2013 events proves as much. Nevertheless, Never-the-Man, I am here to boldly pronounce what I – and you with all eventuality – expect to occur this year of 2014 in order of confidence.

Good old Nostradamus, he knew the whole damn time,
There’d always be an East from West and someone in the fight

– Modest Mouse, Education

1. The Downfall of Vladimir Putin

Aye, you might notice that this was my number 1 prediction for 2013 too. Keep the faith, my readership. This is a linear path, my dates are just off. Vlad’s stay of execution as Russian Premier is entirely because of the umpteen billions of dollars invested by the mafia state into this winter’s Sochi Olympics. To overthrow Vlad pre-Olympiad is bad for business.

In a fast-grab for good PR, Vladimir has pardoned some of his biggest foes, most notably oil magnate Mikhail Khodorkovsky and 66.6% of the imprisoned Pussy Riot (curious note – the other 33.3% that is Nadya Tolokonnikova hasn’t been seen (at least reported on) since she was shipped off to a Siberian work camp in November). This good press is rather transparent and will not save Vlad from an Olympic Games that are doomed. This week’s bombs in Volgograd are a bleak picture of the threat of sectarian terrorism within Russia. Even the Olympic Torch seems cursed.

Sochi 2014 - Vlad's greatest triumph or his undoing?

Sochi 2014 – Vlad’s greatest triumph or his undoing?

Vladimir Putin has never been as powerful as he is now, especially after playing the part of peaceful negotiator (fans of the prophetic visions of John the Revelator will find a similarity with the revelation of the anti-christ) in regards to Syria in 2013. Yet, as powerful as this villain has become I have read in the works about heretics, “the Devil mocks his familiars.” Has the devil ever possessed a more greed-infused pawn than the likes of Vlad Putin? Has a tyrant (other than that Hitler guy) ever stood before the world as host of his own Olympiad? Yes, the rising tower of Babel will crumble. If not this year, then surely in 2015.

2. Sushi-Bomb! Fukushima Renders Seafood Unpalatable

The Corporatized 4th Estate tends to only report stories in their own best interests, which is why we never heard about the recent overthrow of banks & government in Iceland and why we hear little news of the increasing nuke pollution threat out of Japan. Fukushima was apocalyptic bad and it has only gotten worse. By the end of 2014, any sushi you eat out of the Pacific may very well drop the mustache right off your face. Gulf of Mexican shrimp, while likely toxic, are far healthier by comparison. Oceanic fisheries are low and mercury is high. Sinbad’s 7 Seas are a sad state of affairs. So much for the Age of Aquarius. You should begin going to your favorite sushi restaurant with a Geiger counter.

3. Sriracha is Hottest Condiment Commodity of 2014

srirachaHeinz or Hunts or Kraft or Tobasco will buy out all of the Sriracha factories in the United States to incorporate into their own product line. If they do not, Sriracha will buy them in 2015. Yes, I know I am tragically known as the futurist who predicted that the eggroll in 2012 would overtake the taco as America’s favorite food… But Sriracha is for real.

4. Bitcoin stays Valuable despite Alternative Currencies to the Alternative Currency

There is the old adage, “if you can’t bury it in your backyard, does it really have a value?” Quite simply, yes. Bitcoin is not only a means for the darkest crevices of the cyber-world to transact business, it has an ingenious ceiling attached to its quantity. A limited supply always increases demand. The fact there is a program built in to limit the number of Bitcoins forever contributes greatly to its very value… And it will spawn off rival coinage similarly programmed.

5. Pope Francis brings many to the Faith, Pisses Off Others

The Argentine pope will bring plenty of new converts to the Catholic Church in 2014 and even win several unconverted back with his liberal stance on many of the longstanding dogmas of the papacy. His liberal approach, however, will offend many and lead to the spawning of heretical groups of orthodox (and perhaps ‘bigoted’) fanatics. They, secretly sponsored by the Establishment (or certain conservative parties within), will undermine Frank by attempting to tie him to scandal and hack into Vatican coffers. Pope Frank, however, will not be deterred despite being labeled a “heretic” by his antagonists. Fortunately, he will not ask Benedict to come out of retirement to jumpstart a new inquisition (though ‘Inquisitioner Ben’ could be a reality show to rival ‘Duck Dynasty’).

6. Negligence towards the Infrastructure leads to Mass Blackouts

A brutally chilling winter will lead to a desperately dry and hot summer. Air conditioners, refrigerators and cell phone chargers will trigger manageable brownouts across the country as the disintegrating web of our infrastructure fails to keep up. Eventually, however, systematic brownouts cannot control the increased demand and an epic blackout will sweep across the Northeast through the Midwest.  The old and young will perish, riots will erupt in marketplaces, sales of pools and fences will rise.

7. The Superbowl No One Went To

In order to finance the construction of the monstrosity of MetLife Stadium which supplanted the previous field that served as Jimmy Hoffa’s gravestone, a Superbowl event was granted to East Ruth, New Jersey. Not the less climactically hostile New Jersey of 20 years ago, but rather the New Jersey of tomorrow… I do not speak ill of New Jersey, mind you, only ill of tomorrow and any host city of the Superbowl north of Tampa that doesn’t put the game in a dome. The climate is changing, storms are becoming more violent and frequent in areas where such storms were once rare. In 2004, Florida was hit by 4 hurricanes in a single summer & there hasn’t been shit since. There is nothing rational about contemporary meteorology – weather patterns now resemble Rorschach ink blots used as gin & tonic coasters. This year’s Superbowl could very well exist in such dismal conditions that no one attends the bloody thing. As a result, the NFL will holographically impose half-naked fans in the stands so the watching American public assumes someone gives enough of a damn to attend the game.

8. All the Tea in China is Steamed over Latin American Waters

In their resource grab, China will buy Nicaragua’s Lake of similar name and Peru’s Lake Titicaca as a means to obtain most of the fresh lake water in Latin America. The former Mayor of Toronto does a line of blow and calls China to offer them the Great Lakes.

9. China’s Terrestrial and Lunar Conquests

China will lay claim to regions of the moon its Jade Rabbit is hopping around. In 2014, China will also own so much earth and precious minerals under Africa and Australia that the popular American restaurant Outback will begin serving eggrolls and will insist you eat their steak with one knife and one chopstick. Ehh, excuse this weak attempt at xenophobic comedy at the expense of the stark reality China will one day own everything.

10. Spy Blimps will Hoover over America

An oldie, but a goldie… I have been predicting this since 2011 and each year spy blimps become more and more a part of our vertical scenery as they scan the populace with their thermal and cyber imagery. You might toss away your cell phone in an attempt to hide from the grid & the NSA, but hope ye not! The multiple spy blimps overhead will train their audio equipment from a mile away and capture each of your ecstatic gasps of delight as you bugger your favorite inflatable so they might store such animal grunts in their bottomless pit of a mainframe.

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