History of the Future: Neverman Predictions for 2013!

Posted: January 13, 2013 in Futurism
Tags: , , ,

Mother do you think they’ll drop the bomb?

-Pink Floyd

The future is uncertain but the end is always near.

-The Doors

Welcome to the future. Welcome to 2013. I am Vic Neverman and I am your guide to what will be this next year, at least for the length of this blog post. Yes, the future is running a little late, but what’s prognostication without a little procrastination?

I consider myself neither optimist nor pessimist in these prognostic pursuits, merely the pragmatic gambler, placing my wager only after peering perversely into my telescopic lens at the voluptuous Lady Fortune as she bathes in what she assumes is absolute privacy. Yes, as King David upon the roof, I peek at the forbidden flesh that is the future and watch the torrent of water beating down upon the sudsy curvatures of her naked form. Enlightened with such hidden knowledge, I return at once to Plato’s cave to relieve you, dear reader, of the dark abyss of ignorance and deliver you, presently, to what is and what should be… 2013.

1 – Russian Premier Vladimir Putin will resign or be overthrown.

First dart toss and I am going straight for the jugular. Vlad “the paler impaler” Putin is so righteously paranoid, he makes your narrator look like Mary-fucking-Poppins. For good reason – Vlad’s greatest allies are those who fear him most. Russia is a Mafia State, as “corrupt as a prostituted nun selling a hotdog to a lipless pig.” Vlad plans a purge on corruption and this will only bring about his downfall.

To read more on this prediction, see the below blog post…

The Fall of Vladimir Putin

2 – Gun legislation dance will prompt highest gun sales ever

Conspiracy theory has gone platinum of late with hot-headed talk show guests screaming about Obama and the hidden world government taking away our guns. The truth is that these paranoid theorists are on the payroll of the NRA and so is Obama. Every time Obama mentions gun control, what happens? Every gun and round of ammunition between you and St Lou is gobbled up as if zombies are gathering in the parking lot. Not much is made in the USA anymore, but guns and tanks and missiles and robo-pterodactyl drones still are. War is no cottage industry, it is the American industry. All those trillions put into our oversea campaigns – a lot of that money goes into the pockets of bomb builders, contractors and our own troops. The domestic market for weapons is fast expanding. The NRA doesn’t represent gun owners… it represents the gun manufacturers. Politicians do not represent their constituents… they represent special interests.

There may eventually be legislation proposed requiring background checks, proof of ID, sexual persuasion, etc. all while gun lobbyists flaunt the 2nd Amendment like a fifty dollar bill in a whorehouse to keep assault weapons easily obtainable, but the entire drama is little more than grand theater.

3 – Big Pharma will produce a zombie pill

The FDA will approve testing of a new super-drug that lowers blood pressure by diverting blood to the groin, curing both heart and erectile malfunction issues in men simultaneously. This super-drug will become the cause of the world’s first zombie outbreak thanks to the use of blow-fish toxins and panther bits in the recipe. Fortunately, the zombieism is contained to just lab rats and gerbils and the one lab scientist who got creative with some PVC pipe after reading a Richard Gere autobiography. Unfortunately, the damn Canadians got their hands on the chemical makeup and will produce a generic version of the pill by 2014.

4 – Climate Change will bring best justification for owning assault weapons

The 2nd Amendment allows us to bear arms as a militia force to standup to a potentially oppressive government. The unforeseen benefit is that such ownership allows us to also scare off our neighbors during climactic climate events. 2013 will see more unpredictable weather – thunder without rain, snow when you expected bikinis and Al Roker thinner than what is humanly decent. Heat-waves will encourage droughts and by extension lower agricultural output, bringing higher food prices. Heat-waves will bring brownouts as more air-conditioners are turned to uber-high. Food scarcity and power outages will bring social unrest, civil chaos, conduct unbecoming, buggery, larceny, cuckoldry, chronic self-abuse and general disorder. Maybe having that assault weapon isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining

– Fleetwood Mac’s words will prove untrue in 2013

5 – Occupy Movement Performs a Reunion Tour

After taking 2012 off, the well-rested Occupy Movement regains steam in 2013. I, Vic Neverman, personally met with “the Freesome Threesome of Orange Avenue” in Downtown Orlando. Their spokesperson spoke as illegibly as the words tattooed across his forehead (the words were written in inky Cursive, which I believe is a dead language like Pig Latin and is thus indecipherable to anyone other than the casual Egyptologist passerby with a slide-ruler and a sundial), yet the message was audible enough: 2013 will be “Occupied like its 2011” just without all of the Jersey Shore paraphernalia of that bygone age. I was accompanied by “the Butcher of Longwood” who boldly sipped from the cursive tattooed-foreheaded spokesperson’s mustachioed-flask of cinnamon-tainted spirit as we made casual comments about the Occupy Orlando mascot “D’Rupy Dawg” as he lay entirely fucked-up on hashish and passed-out in a guitar case. When that sleeping dog wakes it is on!

D'Rupy Dawg, the hobo mascot of the Occupy Movement as found on the streets of Orlando on 1.12.13

D’Rupy Dawg, the hobo mascot of the Occupy Movement as found on the streets of Orlando on 1.12.13

6 – The term “Lesbianian” will enter the American vernacular

“Lesbianian” will describe anything resembling or bearing the characteristics of or employing the essence of being a lesbian. For example, to decorate your office with posters of Xena:Warrior Princess would be lesbianian. Understandable, sure, but lesbianian. Similarly, “Asianian” will be used to describe something that is not Asian, but very closely resembling.

7 – Alternative Religions will be on the upswing

Living in the post-Maya Apocalypse world is a life without meaning. All of the economic chaos, violence, political instability was easily explained with a point at the looming Apocalyptic date of 12/21/2012, but now the Apocalypse has come and went. All the answers we hoped to find in the galactic alignment promised to us by the Maya Astrologers are empty. The people will turn elsewhere for their Truth.

Cults will be on the rise. Scientology, hurt by the sluggish economy, will start offering membership 2-for-1 deals. Locally, here in Florida, the prophetess Layla Santana Crow will build a following with her message that is centered on the disbelief of dinosaurs. Sales of Tim Tebow jerseys will continue to be a high despite no longer having any team’s colors on them.

8 – On a related note, a Tim Tebow update

Number15, the great forsaken one of the NFL, will wander the wilderness of the offseason where he will meet a wizened old sage known as Jim “Crash” Jensen. Tim Tebow will learn that if you can’t play quarterback – play everything else. He will then sign with the Miami Dolphins to play H-Back.

Jim "Crash" Jensen played backup QB, RB, TE, LB, WR, special teams and occasionally was the Dolphin mascot

Jim “Crash” Jensen played backup QB, RB, TE, LB, WR, special teams and occasionally was the Dolphin mascot

  1. […] out to sea and predicts a splash. No prophet, I am just a gambler. Albeit, a lousy gambler; my guestimate of 2013 events proves as much. Nevertheless, Never-the-Man, I am here to boldly pronounce what I – and you with […]

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